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�2004*Blondiegrl24*

'new job, new location, back in the hood, maybe going after an old flame, and losing weight!' ah
Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2011 // 12:14 P.M.

Dear Diary,


Oh, were to start? Well, a lot has been changing for me lately. I'd say I am experiencing more change right over the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 4 years. And it feels good, really good. I am starting to get out of the haze, and see through the fog. I am able to reflect a little on the last 4 years, and how unhappy I really was. Especially the last 2.
I hated my job, my boss was a micro-managing freak who was never nice or frendly, I was like stuck in a isolated cube at work, and then the drama with V, on-going. He is just uninterested in sex, and that's that. But I can see now how much PAIN I took on, and how much hurt I thought was my fault, which now I know it wasn't, but I took on SO much, and almost imploded.
So unhappy and depressed. I think it was almost worse than the time in NYC before I moved back, becaase it was prolonged over years.
I feel really silly and mad at myself for letting myself lose so much faith and confidence in who I am. I was like SO broken. I know I am stronger than that, but I got so sucked in.
My relationship with V was nothing but a slow burn and a slow Cancer killing me, and making me feel worthless, unloveable, and overweight. He was never interested in sex that much from Day 1, but rather than me realize that and move on, I took it as a fact that it was me, or me and my body. Because duh, that's what would happen with a girl who has had an eating disorder for like 10 years. You meet a guy who doesn't show you love, and immediately you think it's me, instead of maybe just maybe it could be him. I did have moments were I was like, well, it could be him? All my charms and all these things have worked so well on other guys, why is this guy not responding?
I realize now that it was him, and I was just in the ultimate trap. I still believe some of it was me, but also, over the years, I had others that liked me or other encounters, so I know it wasn't totally me. Other guys still liked me and wanted to sleep with me, so it had to be a lot of him.
We even had a conversation early on in the relationship were I told him sex was important to me or at least having a healthy intimate life with someone who I would be with for a long time, and he even said then that it's not that big of a deal for him. I should have known then, RED FLAG!

But I stayed maybe to punish myself, and I did that for 4 years, ripping my self-confidence, self-esteem, etc out of my soul for 4 years. I cannot even write words in here to describe the pain of being with someone when you think they don't really love you because of you're body. It's excrutiating, and for so long, it destroys you from the inside out. I should have had friends and family to help me out, but I didn;t. I just took it on like it was my cross to bare, and felt like I deserved it, like I deserved to be unhappy b/c of my body.

Things got so much worse from all that, and I really did crawl in a hole to die, until it got so bad, I took myself to counseling. I just couldn't figure out why I hated my life and was so unhappy. V was living with me then, and I just couldn't figure out why none of my plans actually worked or why things weren't getting better.

So, anyway, I could talk forever about that, but I am a little on the other side. All these changes have been so good for me, and I am so glad I made the decisons to change. Connect V with my terrible life-sucking job and shitty boss for 2 years, and you can see how I was literally dying. I hated life. Work was terrible, uncreative, unfulfilling, not rewarding, and then there was V who wanted to be in my life almost like a husband but not ever want to touch or sleep with me. Such terrible feelings of low self-worth.

But I didn't start out that girl. And I'm NOT that girl. I did some re-living the past while I've been at home this week, reading old yearbooks, looking at pictures, reading noted from L-wood. And I am remembering who I was and who I can be. I even had a dream last night as that girl, and it was so nice. I love this. Transformation.

I've finally started to pull myself out of this junk and get some perspective and see what it is.

Anyway, about the changes. Well, I quit my job. I couldn't take it anymore, and I had been going down hill for a while, not really showing up on time, and getting annoyed since we'd been there 2 years almost and they had no incentive to give us a raise, benefits, or hire us on full-time yet we did full-time work with everyone else, and then on top of that my boss is mean, micro-managing, and had never even once thanked me sincerely for anything I did. She was a terror. It was just too much to keep thinking my life was gonna stay that way, and with V too. Nightmare!

So, I applied to this other job near my parents house. The idea before was to commute to my old job an hour while staying at my parents Mon-Thurs, then on the weekends I worked my make-up job back in the city b/c l like it and it pays so well. Well, V should have known that was an attempt to get away from him, duh! Because I could of just chose to live with him, but I didn't. So, anyway, I had an interview with the other company, but they were paying 50% less which was like insulting, so I said no, unless they can negotiate for the pay.

Well, they called back like 2 weeks later and offered me the job for $2.00 more an hour. And I just decided to accept. It was a shitty week again at my job, and I just desperately wanted a change regardless of money and the place seems very laid-back and cool. I just agreed for the first time without consulting everyone, I just knew it was right for me to get out of there.

So, I have started the new job which is part-time 20 hrs a week, and then I still have the 10 hrs from my other job. But it's been SOOOOoo nice, b/c I had been working 6 days a week for 2 years straight, so just to have some time (like today) to reflect, think, or chill, is SO helpful for me. I think part of the reason I couldn't change was also b/c I was so caught up in the cycle. One day off to do everything.

Anyway, the start of the job has been rocky, but it is getting better. It's SO freaking weird to be back near my hometown. It's like 30 min from where I grew up, and sorta part of the community.
It's weird b/c I'm kind of 'citified' now, and it's hard for me to relate to the county-people of sorts. Ya know, I'm used to bigger name stores, more openly creative people, and just more options, and faster pace. It's much slower here of course, but at the same time, I kind of need that at this point.

And really what I wanted to write about it my new brought up obsession again with my ex-boyfriend. He lives in my hometown, and he inhereited his Dad's house. He's a cop here, and I don't know why, but I am obsessed with us geting back together or testing the waters. It's insane. I went through this a while back too, when V was being his usual unloving self, and I had dreams about L-wood, and then also I went to that party and drunkenly called him and we talked non-stop for like 2 hours at the party! He had been out that night too, and we had the best conversation! It was SO flirty, witty banter, and like SO SO much fun! I wanted to run to him right then, but then I am more overweight than I was when I was with him, so I can't. It's bad b/c it's a terrible feeling, I was so elated after that conversation. It made me feel alive, passionate, loving again, and it stirred up those emotions and feelings I thought were dead. It inspired me. But then, I was in the city, still with V, and it just wasn't the right time, and nothing happened. I wrote him some email after that, and he wrote me some depressing thing about how he doesn't party anymore and our stuff was what it was. Like he's moved on.
Which he might have. And I have to be prepared for that. But that phone conversation proves otherwise to me. It was 2am in the morning, and he had to work at like 7am, and he was on the phone with me until like 4am, and he could have said he had to go in that 2 hours and got off the phone. We even dropped the call once, and he called me back. So, I still think there is some potential based on that.

But I know I was a mess in highschool with him. I treated him bad. First, he was confident and sexy, and I loved it and we were like in love, but then my friends were partiers and guy-chasers and I thought I may want to date other people, and then he got mad first, and acted mean, and then he got clingy and mello-dramatic which pushed my further away. I further treated him like a doormat b/c he was no longer sexy and confident, he was clingy, emotional and unappealing. But I realize how I poured salt in the wound. He really really loved me so much. But then we hurt each other back and forth through one year in college and it was all games all the time, and hurt and make-up. Too much.

We finally left it probably about 7-8 years ago officially, and he's dated a few other people, one serious girl, and then me a few people. So, I think we've matured. I still am outgoing social, and love a good party and I still want to party a little, but I also have been love-starved from V for 4 years, and he doesn't go out either. So, I am used to that. I have settled down a lot, and I am probably almost ready to really settle down, if I can get my career stuff straightened out. I probably will still love to go out with girl friends, but I don't want to go and do one night stands or anything. And so many of the guys are all douches. I don't know. I do still want to see more fish in the sea, but then also, I have been analyzing my past relationships and what I am looking for and L-Wood has a lot of the traits. The only traits he is missing is a love for music, and a more outgoing personalty.
But I haven't spent time with him in 8 years, maybe he got a little less anti-social. Based on what he told me, he does a lot more in the community, and he's like all professional, honorable, and stuff. It's pretty appealing to me, and then he's a cop, which is weird b/c he was really anti-authority back in the day. But he also has great common sense and a quiet strong confidence that overpowers people, so it does seem a good fit for him. Plus, the sexual innuendos of dating a cop are something I havent explored. I know it's so cliche, but it definitely turns me on. It's a power play too. Plus, he and I both have strong personalities, so it's always a power struggle, but I let him win-usually.
Ugh, I am going to work myself into a tizzy talking about it!

So, anyway, he i motivating my weight loss right now, and I've been doing good. Problem is, I am obsessing over him too much, and I still probably can't do anything about him until Sept. My sister is visiting, and I am going on vacation so I am busy until then, and I need that time to lose some weight.
But then I still have to stay with V right now in order to do my other job, so I gotta figure something out when the time comes, but I think I am focusing on the unknown too much. It's so unrealistic. I am like 'puddy' already for him, and we haven't even hung out. And typically, he is a big asshole at first. He's the kind of guy that does not give you an inch until you wear through his sheet of ice covering his heart. I think I can do it and am up for the challenge, but it depends on how mean he is. I know before we tried, and he was still bitter and acted like a big asshole to me in front of my friends, so I didn't even end up inviting him over, even though he 'supposively' came to Athens to visit me. He was such a jerk so I didnt even go out with him. He tends to be like that, I either have to catch him in a good moment, or I am hoping that SO much time has passed that he is calmed down a little and can give me a little niceness at first.
I know I could wear him down, but if he brings up old stuff when I meet with him too much, I'll know he'll never get over it and it'll never work. But I think we've been through enough, I;m tired, and I just want someone like him who loves me, WANTS sex, and just wants to be good together. I'm love-starved. Plus, the witty banter between us is like fireworks always. I gurantee there will be sexual tension so thick you can cut it with a knife when I walk in, it was always like that with him. That's what I miss. And I think I have experienced so much shit with other people, I want Mr. Reliable and Mr. Passionate. I don't care that he isn't into big-city life, maybe we can compromise. He is just like a refuge for me, he has great common sense and intelligence and I trust him. I just hope he didn't really turn into an asshole for real. I am afraid of that.

I'm thinking about texting him today. His cousin and her husband and their kid came over to our house last week. I wasn't here, but my parents are good friends with his cousin's husband. He's this hot guy I always had a crush on, but he was too old for me. He used to work with my dad for like 10 yrs, and then he married L-wood's cousin, and so that was like a connection still with L-wood and usually I try to get some gossip from them about him. So, the fact that they randomly came last week makes me even more crazy! They haven't been over in at least a year or so, and then right now, when I am working down the street, back in the hood, having to pass L-wood's house sometimes on the way home. It just stirs up so many feelings! Then they come over, and even last week, my car battery died and I ran into some hot cop in the hardware store. I get nervous when I see them out and about b/c one day it could be him.
So crazy! But I am working myself into a mess. I don't know anything about how he is now. But I kinda don't want to know. I want to use him as diet incentive for the next month and a half, and then hopefully I can strike.
I hope I can do this, I've built it up so much, but now signs and situations are heading in that direction. Maybe it's also the romantic in me, but it seems fitting to get back with my old love. He's one of only 2 guys I ever REALLY cared about and made me crazy. I miss those feelings. Maybe it's a pathetic attempt for my diet and to push myself to get over V faster, but I don't care. I want to see him one more time and see how we are together.
Plus, I am pretty much over V, like I still care about him a lot, but I know he won't change. He said he's gonna go to therapy, but he hasn't, it's been 4 years, and he has no reason to change if he things we are still gonna be together and not have sex and it's okay.
We actually broke up 2 weeks ago, and we haven't talked about it since. I went to his house for work last weekend, and I think he thinks everything is back to normal, but I didn't kiss him and we didn't of course, do anything physical. I am trying to not change in front of him anymore, and even further squeeze out any possible non-friends moments with him. But even though we didn't talk about it, I think he thinks we may be back together, but I've got news for him, we aren't,. But Ic an't jeapordize my place to stay for my job up there just yet. I have to find another solution. And right now, I'm just trying to lose weight, and prepare to do this big thing with L-wood. It's inspiration fuel.

I want to text him something brief, but I am afraid it's too soon. But then like a week ago, I drove past his house on my way home from work, and he was OUTSIDE in the grass with the dog, and some girl was there or some other car with the trunk open. I am SO afraid it's a girlfriend, but it could have been his mom. I drove by last night b/c I missed my turn b/c it was storming and lightening so bad, and there wasn't any car there but his. So, she doesn't spend the night, so I don't know. I didn't see the girl or lady really b/c I was shocked he was outside and I drove kinda faster. I don't know, I am a mess.
But if it helps me lose weight, who cares!!

ugh, I know this is SOOOO long. Sorry, but had to get it out. Anyway, new job, new location, back in the hood, maybe going after an old flame, and losing weight! ah!









The WeatherPixie

FADE // SPARKLE

I�m finding out that cheating gets it faster