Dear Diary,

ah, one day down like 40-80 more to go on my hard-core diet. Not so bad today.

I was waiting on V to get home to eat dinner, so I was literally starving and weak by 9pm surviving on only 160 calories all day. Woah woah, before anything gets out of hand, I am doing a medical diet that requires you to eat between 500-700 calories a day, so it's like okay this time. lol

But anyway, don't feel like explaining that.

So, I had a major headache before V got home with food, salad and roast beef sandwich, but I think the headache is from caffeine withdrawal. That's what it usually is.

Anyway, there was some V drama tonight. Today was a hell day at work, lots of miscommunication, tiredness, and general Monday blues for the whole office. But then V almost got fired. He was doing some shady stuff at his job taking members to give private lessons on the side, and also buying discounted tennis gear with his company account and selling to members. He wasn't smart enough to make a profit from the members which seemed dumb to me if ur gonna risk it, but whatever. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea, and I wouldn't do it. Of course he didn't listen. That's one thing I have a problem with the most about him, his lack of common sense, and his choices to do illegal things or cut corners. Like it's nothing THAT bad, but still not things an honorable guy would do. Not anything I would do. Not for long anyway!

So, he did that stuff anyway and it caught up with him, and he really almost got fired for real this time. His boss gave him a 2nd chance, but he's all pissed now and thinks he had no right to talk to him like that and accuse him of such. ummm, actually he's your boss, and he DOES have the right to ask you anything, and you were IN FACT wrong and doing said activity.... ugh!?!? How do you support someone when they are totally wrong and you don't agree with them!!

So, then he wants to quit and move to something else or whatever, and I just get upset. JUST when I am forming my exit plan or chance at an exit plan, he has to have some drama.. Seems eerily familiar to a situation before when I moved to my own place. He didn't get the hint then either, and then of course he had a financial crisis and needed to move in with me 'temporaily' which wasn't temporary at all, he would get upset later when I brought up the 'temporary' status. I literally had to move out of my own place to get him to get his own! Well, not all b/c of him. My delusions of grandeur were bigger than my wallet. I could have stayed in my own place, but then I would have also had to stay at my current corporate job b/c I would have had no choice b/c of the high rent. Also, I needed a chance, to save some money, and gain som eindependence and ground. Oh, whatever, I know how stupid it sounds and I know how stupid I am for not just breaking up with him. But at the same time, I'm not ready, I'm working on transforming myself, gaining power, self confidence, and hopefully some new friend or new career goals, and going after them then. Right now, I am still in a working 'gaining' phase. I just started saving money, I'm working with a career counselor, and I'm saving for either my own business or to go back to school. If I quit my shitty job now and break up with V, I'll also have to quit my make-up job which I love, and I'll have literally no options except to stay at my parents and get some other low-pay job since they live in the country.

So, for now, it's dumb to quit when I make so much and am saving on rent, at least for 6 months. I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm exerting minimal effort now, I checked out a long time ago, 3 months of an 'internship' turned into almost 2 years. And the economy is so bad, it is just hard to quit for no reason. I've had other job options and interviews, but I'm not sure I want to soon myself up for another full-time job in the corporate world, in fact, I KNOW I don't. So, better to stay where I am and just save so I CAN make a decision later and act on it.

But anyway, it's still the start of a journey. I am trying hard to stick to the diet, and gain more confidence, self-esteem and power. If I stay at my parents during the work-week, I think I can do better. I think V sometimes literally sabotages me. I don't think it's entirely intentional, but sometimes it kinda is in a weird way. Like literally, the other day, he bought my favorite ice cream. It's expensive, and he and I have only probably had it 2-3 times in 4 years. And randomly, when he knows I'm on my diet, he buys it. ??@? Wtf?? I called him out on it, but he got defensive.
But whatever, I know he wants to enjoy life and enjoy dinner and food with me, but why does it have to be about that?!? He should respect me. Kelli told me the other day that support is doing something for someone that they physically can't do themselves. That's kinda the definition.
And he supports me emotionally, talking about it, but he doesn't support me physically, and at the end of the day, when you're doing a diet, that's ALL that matters.

We'll see....Anyway gotta get to bed. I was sooo tired at work today, and I'm gonna get the same amount of sleep. It is SO hard to go to work with this new schedule from my boss. I'm really not making it at 8:30, it's usually closer to 9, but I could care less. If they fire me, I'll be happy. I'll take whatever I have saved and call it a day...really can't stand my boss or the sterile environment.
But guess I'm lucky to have a job.

goodnight!