Dear Diary,

New Boy Drama!

Just need to update a little....random I know.

About to start the Siberian Diet again, ad try to do it successfully for 2 months, 8 weeks.

Trying to take a break from V too for 3 months, but he is coming back from BG today from two weeks, and I am afraid to chicken out on telling him about the break. But my therapist knows, my mom knows, I have accountability, but it's still gonna be hard.

Anyway, just want to share so I don't forget.

Went to this house party with Amanda and Laura Sat. night. Havent been out in forever, but anyway, long story short, I was texting Lenwood, and he called me, and we proceeded to talk for like an hour and a half. It was so much fun! We were totally argueing and bullshitting each other and talking about the past, and all so honestly. I was so much FUN! lol
I was like totally turned on too, like it was sexual tension so thick through the phone, and this with a guy I haven't physically talked to in over almost 10 years!! I mean, we've emailed occassionally. But I recently had emailed him and told him about my relationship issues briefly, and that I had been having some dreams about him. I don't know if it was an admittance of feelings or just a statement, but I was honest. I didn't care how he took it, I just kept having the dreams, and I just wanted to share for some reason that day. Kinda weird. But I feel kinda trapped with V, and I guess that was just like an action of doing SOMETHING. But anyway, I don't think L-w and I would be super perfect or anything, he doesn't even have the internet at his house! I am like on it 24/7! But, I have to admit, since our phone convo, I've been like obsessed and overly thinking about him, possibilities, looking up scorpio and cancer connections online, etc. I swear he is a true scorpio. His energy is enigmatic and mysterious, and I swear I lose control when I talk to him. He totally puts me on edge. Whereas, with V and I's relationship and even with me and Brent, I AM in control 24/7, they are looking to me all the time, I make the plans, I make the rules, etc etc But I get SO tired of that sometimes! Sometimes, I do just want someone else to make the decisons for me. I get tired and emotionally strung out from being in control ALL the time...I am unhappy like that. I mean, I get what I want, but it's all one-sided. It's not like the other person is involved, maybe I'm too strong, but whatev.

Anyway, the phone convo, it was SO intense. I was kinda drunk, he had been drinking, but I don't think he was half as much as me. I spilled all the beans though. I told him I wasnt ready for his love back in highschool, I was freakin 16 and he was an intense Scorpio loving me all deeply, and posessive, and I was flirty cancer. I wasn't sure about him, and we played games, broke each other hearts over, and fought and loved SO passionately. I mean, to this day, I have never had as many feelings as we had during our stint of 3 years relationship. I've been with my current boyfriend for 3 years, and we haven't even had but like 2 or 3 passionate nights. With L-w in our relationship, we had those like weekly or bi-weekly! I mean, we strung each other out, I broke his heart.

So, I'm not sure he'll let me back in and trust me, but I think we are maybe more compatible now? He's a freakin police officer, which I kind of love and hate. But more like it. Becasue I got robbed in my house a couple of years ago while living alone, and I was in the house, so since then, I feel weired out sometimes living alone. Thats part of the reason I stayed in the relationship with V. I knew we werent perfect, but ya know what, I was single living alone in the same house, and it just didnt seem like a bad idea to stay in a relationship and keep a guy around. I used to get paranoid about creaky sounds and headlights passing my windows, there was even a statement that they wanted to come back, even though they did get arrested, but still, not cool. So, having a cop boyfriend sounds really appealing, not to mention, I think it's incredibly sexy b/c I knew him before, and so I'm not intimidated by the fact that that is what he is now. I just kinda think it's hot. I mean, ya know, what girl doesnt like a little danger! Of course, I wouldnt want real danger for him, and that does scare me too a little.

anyway, I'm not sure what he's thinking. I think he closed the door on me a while back, but I know I definitely did stir up some feelings. But I have to deal with my V situation right now, and I have to LOSE weight like mad! B/c I cannote ven hang out with him right now even if I wanted to! I mean, I was planning on having a 3-month break with V b/c it's been 3.5 years, we like never have sex, and there are issues, and it's like now or never. We either need to fix those problems, come together at the end and move toward marriage or move on.
But when I talk to L-w, I lose all sight of V. Just talking to him the other night just stimulated all these feelings in me, so EXCITING! OMG, like I was on a high after that. OMG, and ya know what it was like.. This is bad I know, so don't judge, but I have done coke before like 3 times in my life. Only socially, never bought it, never knew people who did it or anything, but socially I tried it a few times. I don't do drugs, so I consider that door closed. Anyway, know that I've cleared my guilty conscious, let me say what I was gonna say.
Okay, so it was like I was high on coke after the conversation with L-w. I was so energized, hopeful, and turned on! I came home that morning at like 7am (much like a coke night haha), and I couldnt sleep in my bed. I was thinking over the conversation so as not to forget parts of it, and my heart wouldnt stop beating uncontrollable in my chest. I was warm and tingly, and turned on just thinking about our conversation. It got so heated! If I'd been in the same area as him, we woulda met up, (except I'm fat :( ) but otherwise, it would have been intense!

I was like apologizing for not knowing what to do with his love back in the day, and I was a mix of sultry and sweet and reflective. Whenever he would try to sting me with his Scorpio cuts b/c I had hurt him, I would back down and respond nicely, and take ownership and apologize. It was just intense. I was telling him when he had been mean to me, and explaining some example about how dramatic he was etc, and etc etc, and then he was like, whatever you liked it. and I'm like, no i didnt, and hes like yeah, you know you did. and it was like an intense triad of words, and swear, my face was flushed. I mean, it was wild! We went back and forth like that, him keeping up with me, us debating the past, and talking about what happened with us. And even though he was mean at times, I backed him off, and told him he could be a badass and not be mean, and he was like a badass huh? So you think I'm a badass, and I said, well yeah but sometimes you're too mean, and he was like well you like it. And I said I do, but not when you're mean.
But anyway, he didnt divulge a lot of information, he never did and still doesn't obviously. It's like pulling teeth to figure out whats going on with him. He did say he had been a few relationships, and he said he had ended things for the most part b/c they were 'stupid' etc. (hes always over-dramtic) He's a love em or hate em type of guy, and I left before he got too mean. That year in college, I left after he was turning mean on me, and I am glad b/c it probably could have gotten worse. He is SUCH the guy that is either pulling your hair or smoothering you with love. And when it turns nasty, it turns really nasty to the point where he will ruin your life or make you regret you ever met him. Like intensely mean. BUT-for some reason, he never got SO much that way with me. He was an asshole, but he didnt do anything to me that seriously wounded me. I mean, I was pissed, I cried, I was sad, I ran the gamut, but he didn't humiliate me or take personal things and go at me. It was just mean games.
So, I kinda forgive him for that, and now knowing and reading more about Scorpio online, he really does embody those things. I understand him more. And I didn't really believe in horoscopes, only lightly, but he is seriously Scorpio to a T! I can see he was so mean b/c he was so hurt. And I know he still has some feelings for me, because I doubt like me, he has had such a passionate relationship since then. While, I have left him out of my life, the more I think about marriage and all that, I miss qualities he had.

I mean, I used to just okay like sex, but now I know what it is like to go without it and be in a shitty relationship, so I appreciate it 10 times now. As in, I need someone with a HUGE sexual appetite b/c I am about to go a-wal on all that. I have been sexually starved for 3 years, and I now respect sex in a way I never did. Regardless, of what I get out of it, I will be glad to be having it one day. Only bad thing about L-w, is he isnt that well endowed. Which kinda sucks, but isn't a deal-breaker for me. I mean, the sexual chemistry and everything is so intense. I'm not sure the actual act even matters that much. I mean, whatev, I can still get mine and all. Plus, I am thinking to get him into some games and kinkier stuff. Says online, Scorpio's like power-play, light bondage, etc. plus he's a cop, so I'm sure he's done the hand-cuff thing. I mean, if he hasnt, thats totally lame. But I have to admit, I get jealous thinking about some other girl he used to date and him using handcuffs. I feel like thats my place.
I don't know. I feel like he's marrying material....somewhat. Or if I fall back with him, thats what he will want. And I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Although, I think it could work out, except career and success wise we are on 2 totally different paths.

Regardless, I am kinda dedicated to having a fling with him in 2 months regardless. I am going to use it as fuel to lose weight, and I will obsess over him for the next 2 months probably. But whatever, as lame as it is, it will help me lose weight. I always do when it comes to guys. That love high keeps the hunger at bay. I lost like 15 lbs the last time I liked a guy, (V and I were still dating), but I was contemplating breaking up with him for real. The guy and I texted for like 2 weeks, it was intense too, but he was a Sagitarrius, and so he was super flighty. Turned out he was a real big cheater too, but it was just as exciting as with L-w. EXCEPT, not nearly as intense. With L-w, it's intense, and I can trust him. With Justin, the Sag, I couldnt trust him farther than I could throw him, and thats why I didn't proceed with him, I knew for a 100% fact that he would hurt me. I just disappeared on him, and he kinda knew why, b/c he was a big time player. But he still wondered why I left? I hope he gets it one day, but that wasn't interesting to me b/c the Sags get just as excited about every little thing. And it's exciting, but it doesn't feel stable and it doesn't feel concrete. With L-w and scorpio, once they turn their gaze on you, you FEEL it, and you KNOW it's real. It's intense, and I think back in highschool, I was NOT ready for that. It was so nice, but I didn't know how to deal with it. I was still not sure about my love life, and he was my first, and I just wanted to keep dating. He on the other hand was smitten beyond belief, and posessive which I like. B/c if he's jealous, I know he wants me.
lol and he did act jealous on the phone talking about 'beating my b/f's ass' etc joking. but still, nice. lol
I think I am creeping back to him b/c of my bad experiences....but ya know what I don't care.

I've lived for like 7 or 8 years with boring nothingness, regardless of the drama it might cause, I am going to pursue L-w again and see what happens. I at least want to live my fantasy of losing weight and looking super mad hot, and going by his house. (i have to pass his house to go to my parents) And I told him I was gonna stop by one day and he said fine. But I NEED to live that fantasy. I think it's gonna be crazy sexual tension. Turns me on right now to think of it! I'll walk into the house, say hello, walk right by like I own the place, and put some wine or whatever in the fridge.
He'll be all like pissed off by this a little, but be smiling, and prob say something, oh, you think you live here? And I'll smile, and say well I know where the fridge is, and yeah, these are my old stomping grounds, you got a problem with it? lol and he'll smile and the sexual tension will be thickening. I mean if we touched after that, you'd see a spark! We are like the movie, Sweet Home Alabama, and also like the Dionne black couple in Clueless. When we fight and talk, we are in our own bubble, and nobody or nothing in the world can get it. It's like no one else matters. I was rude and didnt even talk to those people at the party. The only thing that mattered was him on the phone. It was like old times, and I am just so high from it all.

V is coming back on the plane tonight at 9pm. We had a Pur meeting yesterday, and a woman commented that I had a 'glow', and what did I do? I said I don't know, but I think it was the glow of love and happiness. It was a small glow and spark of all that, and it was showing to other people. So weird. But probably true, I was like instantly happier.

But then now I am sad, b/c V is coming back, and L-w and I can't do anything b/c i HAVE to lose weight and buy some time. But I think I will explain to him. He is SUPPOSED to respond back to my email, and I'll give him a week, and if he doesn't, I'm gonna write him and tell him, that our phone convo the other day was really hot, and that don't think me a bullshitter, but that I got to work out my relationship drama with V, then we'll hang out. I told him that on the phone even though he didnt ask to hang out with me (playing it cool), but not sure if he got it. Plus, it's like we had an intimate experience, and then not talking to him after that would be rude. Plus, I kinda want to stay on his mind. So, I'm gonna have to come up with things to say or something to send him occassionaly to keep me there til we hang out.
And I got to lose weight FAST!!!

So, it's gonna be hard b/c I am gonna obsess too much about him so I can have some fuel to lose weight. I am pretty much fasting today b/c I'm broke and then probably low-cal tomorrow, then I am going to buy the Siberian Diet food I think, and/or I'll keep fasting maybe? I don't know, but I can't let V ruin my parade. I don't need him to come home and want to go eat and make everything perfect. I know he wants to have sex and stuff (yeah, wtf, he hasnt wanted to in months, so I'm a lil pissed that he expects me too now just b/c he got done with his lil vacation! lame!)

So, it's gonna be tough bringing up this 3-month break. But people are rooting for me, and I am praying about it. I need strength. I need to lose weight! ah! But, reliving those feelings for L-w on top of that phone conversation will carry me for at least 2 weeks. After that, we may need some more communication or something.... I may end up getting hurt, putting myself on the line, and finding out L-w hasn't forgiven me yet or worse, he can't ever. So, that might happen, but I know that. I bet we have a great encounter, but it may not be able to be more than that since I wounded him so deeply as a teenager. But I am hoping, he has let it go and can see things differently. The cool thing is, I have a chance to show him who I am, and I need to make sure and focus on responsibility and stability. B/c he thinks I am fun and crazy right now, but he's not about to get mixed up with me again, if he thinks I am unstable and will hurt him. I have to show him, yes I'm crazy and fun, but I AM responsible, and I know what happened and I'm sorry, and that I am not the same. And even though, I am still confused in love and life, I don't do what I did back then and constantly seek guys to date or put myself in bad situations. Now, I'm much more low-key, so we might get along better. OMG, can you already tell I'm kinda obsessed. Poor V.

I'm sure I will forget a little when V comes, he will have a lot of exciting news to tell me and gifts and stories, and he will be on his best behavior right now. But still...I have to STAY STRONG! Those feelings from that conversation the other night were too strong, too intense! and I loved every minute of it! I want to repeat that again and again! ah!