Dear Diary,

So, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the My So Called Life DVD's I've been watching, or the all-too-fast 'instant grownup' I've become. But I feel really confused, lost, and unreal.

This may be melodramatic, watching Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano (swoon!) may conjure up weird feelings, but I just had the opportunity to write tonight, and i Neeed to write tonight. I need to get something out, what that is, who ever knows? Least of all me. But-
I just don't know who I am increasingly these days...maybe it's a quarterlife crisis. But I don't like to think in those terms.

Anyway, V and I are still together, somehow. Not that I am sure I wanna be. After Justin, I varied between extreme closeness, as in, my mom asked me if i was gonna marry him, and i said 'i dont know, maybe i dont know."
OMG!
But then we kinda broke up a week ago, and again a few days ago, mostly initiated by me.
It's weird, it's like.....you can let your life get off track and you can become this other person. Whos not really you, but the you being this other person, in this other persons life, wearing their clothes, dating this guy.
Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, like I don't know who this is. I know thats not good, and I want to fix it, but I am struggling with how to.
I just got so off track, and I know I think I know what the reason is, but now....it's so far down the tracks. I've been this 'stranger' for so long, living this life, now I am so caught up in it. So caught up in it, I almost believe my own lies and fake feelings.
I never knew that could be possible.

I only know, I wish I could find the old me. I wish I could feel love again. Like on a date, when you click with a guy, and even though he may turn out to be a loser later, you get those butterfly wishful thinking dreams, and a burning sensation. Like what if this is the guy, or this is it? I know I wanna feel that again, and I never felt that with V, not ever.
It's like I always knew we'd break up, but I am so caught up in my fake life now, that I can't think of us being apart. But in my heart of hearts, and if I can ever get the old me, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

But it's so many things now. I miss my life.
I miss friends, and socials, and drinking for fun and not to forget, and the thrill of love, the chase, relationships. Fighting, laughing, being scared and all of it. I have been so numb.
I think thats what happened with me and V. We used to fight a lot, and those fights got intense. I basically stopped drinkning, started looking for a job asap, kinda got one (acuity) and we get along better. Except things are moving towards picket fences and rings, and I want no part of that. I feel like I am suffocating, but I am stuck because of how I have made myself. Even if I leave, I still am alone, unhappy and even less social. My relationship is unhealthy. We only hang out with each other, and I've always hated relationships like that. But after college, how do you hang out as a couple with other people? Any girls I met want to party or whatever?
So, I just feel dead inside. Like I am building my house on sand for real.
I just don't know how to get back. I don't know what I want, or how to go after it. I thought I did, but now I don't. I want both worlds. I want a wild life and a nice home life, I want money, but I want time for freedom. I want a safe relationship, but I want adventure and emotion.

It's so easy when you are not an adult. Not that I 100% am, but lately I have had adult problems, adult money, and adult lifestyle. A short taste, and I hate it. Not like I want to go back to a wild crazy life, but I just want A LIFE.
How can I check back into life? I'm not ready, but even if I try to be ready? What's left of life for me?
Say I work on myself, I break up with V, and I try to get a better permanent job. Then what? Then I am alone, I still won't have friends, and I will be sad and depressed again like I was that shitty time in nyc when my bf abandoned me for a guy.

I want the sexy, independent, me back. I feel like she is so lost. I hate my life so much, and V does too. Maybe we hate it because we're together and we see our future. Without each other, we at least don't know what's in our future.
All I know, is I 100% miss sex and love, and excitement. And I'd risk heartbreak for it. Yeah. You read that correctly. I hope I can come back and read this and eat my words. But anything better than living a dead dull life. With V, we go through motions, it was never exciting, it'll never be exciting, he will never change, he'll never like sex as much as me, he'll never be the creative one, he'll never take me somewhere i've never been b/c he cant plan for shit, and he'll always just be reliable.
And so many people think I should settle for reliability. V fits into our family, he's polite, hardworking, and would never cheat on me. But damn, it's like if you could live 5 totally amazing years or 100 boring ones. Which would you chose?
I always want the 5, and never look back.
I know I may be pushing 50 one day wishing I married the nice guy who'd never cheat on me, but what kinda love is that. A boring life with no excitement, so dull you don't even FEEL anymore. I used to live off of FEELINGS and now I have none, I'm apathetic most days. Like a robot.
I can't even fight drunk with V, it's that bad. And my emotions used to boil over when I was drunk.

But at the same time, I don't want guys like Justin. My bullshit radar is still intact. I know what a good guy is-it just sucks I don't feel excited by him. But a guy like Justin is exciting, but a huge letdown. He'll never feel what you feel, but he's only good for a good time. And he'll give as much enthusiasm to the next girl. But maybe I need that. But thats disaster when you are so isolated.
I don't even know how to have fun anymore.

I went out with V the other night, and I just felt like a stranger to the scene, not to mention the bad shit that ironically happened next. But regardless, I feel like I am getting called out for something I never even did.

And then I am getting older, we're not supposed ot party like that.
But I still want a life.

I think I wanna move close to nightlife where I can walk or take a cab, but where I also don't have to go. But then I have 2 dogs now, and I want a good life for them. And partying 24/7 is not good for them.
I just don't know. V is so good. I sometimes hope that we can weather the storm and fix each other and come back together better. But I don't know if it can happen. I dream about him. But when I dream him, he's different, he's the guy I want him to be and I love him, but when I wake up, I remember he's no that guy. He's so close.
So, I don't know if he can be him or hes just not.

I want a new life though. How do you do that? How do you recreate that?
I have a friend that wants to live in nyc, but I did that already and I cant make my dogs go there. It was so sucky for them, and I don't even like nyc that much. It's so different when you live there. And maybe it's the company I kept that made it so shitty. I did have a falling out with my best friend of like 12 years.

but i just don't know anymore.
How do I commit me to me?

I hope I find some answers.