Dear Diary,

Intelligence and compassion are two really important aspects of a significant other. Mine really has a lack of both.
V makes me so sick sometimes. He's so not right for me. Things were going so well, but he's so busy working and is tired. He never talks and listens to me. For most of our relationship, we've blamed it on him being tired or his last overworked job. But now, his job is different-it's still demanding and he still doesn't listen or have anything intelligent to say.
Now, it's a pattern and I see it's NOT his job, it's his personality and character. Damn, I miss people like Andy. Or hell even Dimitrie. They at least had a brain, dreams, substance. We could drink and talk for hours.
V shuts me down ALL....the time. We'll be talking, and I'll be getting excited or just caught up in the dreaming of things in the future etc, and he'll say something like, ok thats enough. I get like WAAAAy pissed! Floored even! It's SO rude. I'll be like talking about something difficult from my childhood, and the future, and he'll be like, okay, isn't it time to go to bed? That shit makes me see red in my eyes, like I feel so detached from him when he says that...like he's the absolute last person I'd ever wanna be in a relationship with. A dealbreaker.
I've started to notice a few things I desperately want in a next boyfriend.....
-a pretty good sense of humor (better than average)
-a fun loving attitude
-and a willingness to talk theroetically or intelligently
-intelligence
-openmind

Where B(Clint) was intelligent, he lacked the fun loving humor part. V is a little more fun loving, but equally as unemotional, and dull to talk too. Except he's dangerously unemotional.....break point bottle it up emotional.
Why don't I ever listen to my f-in head and heart at the same time!?!? WHY did I start this relationship even though I had doubts?? Now, it's a comfortable mess. But when V says things like he did tonight, I feel nothing for him.
His optimism and enthusiasm is gone and replaced by realness and bitterness, and the fun of showing him new things is long gone. It's just not fun anymore.
He says things will change in the future, but he's counting on them changing for ME for him. Yeah, I said 'for me, for him'. I'm his f-in cash cow.
He knows he cant do much, and he's lucky I got him his nice country club job. I am glad he is doing well, but I think he just needs some dumb sweet girl to cook and clean for him. I think he'd just love that.
I'll never be that. I love conversation and stimulation, and every now and then I see one of those cute art school guys. (like i did today), and I wonder how fun it would be to date them. They'd HAVE to be ambitious and creative. I'm my own fence though. It's my fault. But I want to work on that. I need to get better and get OUT of this relationship. I would be a waste to stay with him, and I'd cheat on him or just get hurt ending things with him..... yuck.
I just need to be able to feel cold. I am too damn compassionate, and I can't completely turn my back on him. Whenever I think I have the guts to break up with him, I don't. I do it, and then the next day routine sets in. He's sweet and nice and things go back.
I really wanted to get that Florida internship, and not just for m career, but a lot to get away from him. To just see how it would be, and then just not come back or not start the relationship back.
I know, if I was away for a while, I would miss him, but if I met new friend and/or guys, I'd be over him in a second. Hell, that one guy I met at Helen's party. I was crazy. I'm still incredulous about how I acted then. I blew V off like twice and was acting weird. I blew him off to see that guy even just to return his stuff from Helen's house. I just had SO much fun with someone who was SO passionate. It was a HUGE change from what I was used to. I MISS that!! It's like Lenwood and I's relationship. It was dramatic but passionate. We loved and we're jealous just as hard. It was drama breaking up, but overwhelming joy getting back together. It was just so passionate and ALIVE. And these last 2 relationships for me were anything BUT that.
I don't know how to get out though.
He has me so rooted in his life. He wants his mom to buy us a house in the future, and even when he said that I was thinking, 'well it'll be for you, and thats good' Like I was thinking of it as a good successful thing for him, but not with me. I don't see me in his future when he talks about it. And i don't see a lot in mine.
My dreams are more intense and I dream of a lot of old loves. Not that I want them back, but because I want those feelings and situations again. I am so deprived.
How did I get so numb to these things I never would have stood for.
LESSON 2 LEARN: DONT FIGHT THE GUT FEELING!
WHEN IT'S WRONG, JUST TURN AWAY.
I SHOULD have done that, I remember when I felt the doubts, but I hadn't dated anyone in a while, I was lonely, I had just quit my social job. I should have never done it.

But he makes me so mad. I want to enforce our he cant sleep here tues-thursday rule. He even said a million times tonight he would listen to me, and then he cut me off. He also cuts me off when we go to party. Thats why my party drinking has gotten so out of control. We are violatile together.
Where an old boyfriend and I would just get drunk and makeout, we or I have to say I get drunk and then he tells me it's time to go home or I am too drunk or obnoxious. So, then we fight and all my hurt feelings come out, he gets enraged, and then bad shit happens. I'm not a fighter/arguing drunk, but with him I have been.
I've pretty much stopped drinking because of it. Everytime we drink together, it's drama and badness. That is NOT a good sign.
OTHER NOTE TO SELF FOR BOYFRIENDS:
-someone i can drink with and have fun with
-when drunk laugh and makeout, not fight and hit!

yeah, that needs to be a must-have.

anyway, let's move on. I'm ranting too long.
But I gotta get out. I think I want to tell him lets just be friends. It'd be an easy transition for me. I feel nothing romantic for him. Sure, I'm mildly attracted sometimes. He's super tan and has a pretty good body, but he has no shame, and the lack of sex just makes me wish he was someone else. I dream about him physically, but I always wish he was someone else. Or he's an old boyfriend in his body. weird. but it's a sign he's no t it.
I hope I can look back at this and be glad I didn't stay.

I NEEEEEEeeeeed to go to Florida. I neeeed an excuse to leave.
hmm...i might have to start researching paid far away internships.