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�2004*Blondiegrl24*

Hindsight is 20/20 relationship update--gotta get away
Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2009 // 11:16 P.M.

Dear Diary,

ugh. not sure when the last time I updated was. Basically, I am nearing the end of college. We are almost done with the end of my Senior collection II so things are crazy.
I went to a career fair a week ago and am talking with Carter's and Chicos FAS Inc.
V got a new job mostly from me getting him into it and is now a tennis coach at a country club. He's still working long hours and freaking out over money.

Things have become increasingly stagnant with him and I, and I sometimes have dreams about other guys or just someone else in my dreams. Like when you have a dream, and some guy you like is in it....it's usually unclear or an old boyfriend but never V. Not in a romantic way anyway.
We need to break up, and I am starting to get stressed about it. It's going to be tough I can tell.
He depends on me waaaay too much and is really clingy and desperate now. I need and use him a lot too, but he is counting on me to get some job and help support him. And it's not in a loving way. It's like he thinks he deserves that or he's just waiting on me to pay him back for all the things he's done for me. It's gotten really bad.
He and I are more like roomates and he sleeps here and goes to work, and we eat out together but thats about it. Lately, I've been so mega busy as well, so we don't even go out anymore. So, it's been this constant of him coming home at 7:00 dead tired, we eat takeout, and he goes to be at like 10pm and starts over again.
I am having thoughs of, what if i get the internship and have to move briefly and then just don't come back.....like ways to end things.

Because it's going to be hard. He leans on me SO much, and the worst part is going to be him thinking I am some kind of TICKET to money and success with him. I don't like him using me that way because it's out of greed and bitterness and not love. I stopped saying I love u to him forever ago, we haven't had sex in over a month(which is not really a shock)
Overall, it's like some kind of bad nightmare that has become my constant. I have visions of how I used to be and old relationships.
V is really stressed out all the time, and is such a stressful person. He gets overwhelmed by money adn stress and handles it worse than anyone I've ever known. He's literally one of those people that could stress themselves to death! For real!
He cries, he whines, he blames everyone and he has this woah is me complex that is SO unattractive. I know he has had it tough, but he breaks down so easily. He'll blow up get mad, say the NASTIEST things any guy has ever said to me, and then become whiny and cry and make me feel sorry for him. It's really crazy.
Not to mention those few violent nights. More than a couple of times during our fights, I find myself saying OMG I AM so glad we aren't married, or I am SO glad I might be able to move on with my life soon(job) etc. OR I feel myself thinking how did I get here?
I feel like I helped him get a better job, and he doesn't need my help anymore. I want to be able to move on. I sometimes feel desperation and hope to find the guy I am supposed to be with in the future, and I know it will be SO different from what it is now. It is NOT supposed to be like this.
And advice to myself from this relationship: Don't fight that gut feeling when it's just not right. It's not worth sticking to the relationship, even if it's not that bad. It CAN get worse and you can get caught in it. It's just not worth staying in it to help anyone or do anything if it's just not right.
I should never SETTLE for anything because there are guys out there who can give me what I want. V is delusional on relationships and he sometimes causes me to lose my good judgement and believe him, but I know this relationship is not right. He knows it too deep down, but he's just afraid to be alone.
I don't know what to do, but I really want out.
We are having problems with our schedules, so I am going to suggest us to just hang out with each other Thurs-Mon because thats when his time is more flexible. He needs more sleep, and we don't need to eat together every night. Also, I want to start distancing myself as well.

I went through this before and I am not looking forward to it. I was upset before, but more from the loss of the comfortability than the loss of love. I think this will be the same, but it's still going to be hard. It's going to be a gradual process.
I'm actually a little bit afraid to just totally break things off with V cold turkey. Like personally scared because he might do something crazy. It just wouldn't be a good idea because he doesn't know how to live alone now. I showed him so much about life. But, I think we could gradually become friends and taper off. ESPECIALLY if I can get a job in another state. We can ween things off.
He has a good job and they are grooming him to do more the longer he works there, so he will be okay. He's not in a position to come with me just yet, which is a great thing for me. I'd love to move somewhere, and then just kinda taper things off and one day just be friends. Moving is hard enough, but it'll force things to chill out.

It's just bad now. The old me would have never stayed with someone so long like this. I'm really mad at myself. I don't regret everything, but I can't believe I got caught up in it. I knew from the beginning....I should have just let him go. I know I helped him immensely, and I'll never regret that, but I can't be this unhappy, abused, and compromising for the rest of my life. I'd worry about him hurting my kids or just being a huge grump forever. I could never see myself happily marrying him. That right there is all I need to know.
It needs to end. I just hope getting a new job will help me out.
May can't come fast enough.









The WeatherPixie

FADE // SPARKLE

I�m finding out that cheating gets it faster