Dear Diary,

I was actually getting on here to check some old entries, but figured an update was really needed.
Just finished my Fall Quarter of 2008, and I have 2 more quarters before graduation in May.
Things are really getting heavy. I am majorly thinking about what I want to do in the future and whom I want to do it with. 2 quarters will go by like a blink. Thats just 5 months, and then I'm done with school forever...it's freakin me out a little. I'm still in disbelief, but still happy, although not ready to make those big decisons.
It's stressing me out a lot. I am still working for Pur, applied for this seasonal job with a friend at Macys but didnt get it oddly. I've moved on, it means I get to spend more time at home over the holiday season.
Speaking of home, we have a crisis with my sister. My family hates her husband, and he's never liked us or tried to get to know us. It has escalated after their recent Thanksgiving visit. Everyone is sad, my sister is so unhappy. Shes not happy in KY or with her husband, and it's not us anymore. We're not around her enough for it to be us. We were nice to him and her this time, but shes still unhappy. She frowns all the time, she looks worn out and older.
It's a problem. Her husband is a selfish only child and he pretty much uses her. He's never said more than 3 sentences to me, never called my mom by name, and didn't even speak to our other family members at Thanksgiving. It's like beyond bad.
It's like my sister is in a cult and needs to be brought back. She acts worse around him, and is mean to her family. But alone, she is fine.
My dad and I have talked to other people, and the reactions seem common. Isolating family, being upset, etc.

But anyway, I dont want to get much into that. Theres nothing we can do right now, but pray.

So, I'm really worrying about V and I. His job is getting suckier, and he doesnt have many options.
We're talking about moving because I need to get a good internship in Fashion in nyc. Just for a bit. I guess I have to go back. I either wanna live in Long Island of Stamford, CT though, not in the city. Just because of my dog and all. I might consider Brooklyn and Queens, if I could find a apt with a yard, but thats SOOoo rare. I just want to live comfortable and commute to the city. I'm a medium kind of person. I love the country, the space, my car, my back yard, and my home, but I love the city lifestyle, attractions, job, entertainment. I've figured this out.
So, I think I would be much happier living in a house or nice apt close to GRASS and TREES and MY CAR, but also a short ride into NYC. I think it might be the perfect thing for me--a happy medium. Plus, I wont make my dog who is used to tons of land go back to the concrete jungle and give me those sad looks. Drug needles and trash, and she is supposed to pee in that??!?
Anyway, I might get a job or internship in NYC and could stay there for a bit, although it's not where I want to be forever.
Anyway, I am building up my make-up Portfolio right now in case I have to work a part-time job in NYC while interning.
The thing is what to do with V? He has limited job options, and I am worried of the reprcussions of taking him along with me. Of course, I don't want to go alone, and him paying rent will help.
But I'm not 100% sure we are going to be together forever. In fact, I think we probably will not. I've told him this, but I don't think he believes it. I don't know. I'm on the fence. If he fixes some things and becomes more relaxed, we might mold ourselves into the perfect couple. But idk.
Some people say love kind of smolders and grows. I care a lot about him, but he doesnt show me things or take me places (i dont learn from him), and he leans on me a lot. Thats fine, I love helping people, but I want him to be strong enough on his own one day. I think he might get there, but it's going to take a long time.
But odds are, we will both move to NYC together. Because he needs me too much, and I don't have enough reason to break up with him. I just have to be up front and tell him we are going together, but he has to always be prepared if we break up. I want to keep things more like roomates-just in case. Not that I want that to happen, but I don't want him to be left with nothing and in a different unknown place. I lived in NYC, I know the drill, but he really doesn't. I don't want it to be too hard for me to leave, but I think he needs to learn that lesson anyway. Relationships can always end and you have to be prepared if something happens. You have to be able to still take care of yourself. You have to look ahead.
Maybe I'm just nervous. I just don't want to make big commitments like that. I see how just getting married ruined my sisters life and now she is stuck and unhappy. I'd get a divorce I think, if nothing could be fixed. My sister doesn't believe in divorce though, and she won't do it until she's absolutely hanging by a thread and fed up. It's so sad.
So, I don't want anything too permanent with V and me either, but moving in together is big. We pretty much live together now but have seperate apartments. But, MOVING in together and 800 miles away is a BIG deal.
But I have to go back to nyc, and I'd rather not do it alone. Plus, V likes the city, it's like his country.
I just want to get a good job, have fun, and try to be happy. I have to pay off all my student loans so I have to get a decent job.
After a stint in nyc, maybe I can get a job with Chicos/White House/Black Market and work in Florida....lol Chill out there after living in nyc for a while.

i dont know...theres a lot to decide, and i cant do much til the time comes. It's gonna be 2 quarters of really hard work, so thats my first priority.
Hopefully, everything will fall into place.

oh and btw, i am trying to do at least a 21 days fast tomorrow, but we'll see. My first goal is to get past 5 days.

will update more soon

*000220