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�2004*Blondiegrl24*

bad fat/gross day...ever have one of those?
Tuesday, Oct. 14, 2008 // 5:16 P.M.

Dear Diary,

i officially suck.
I recently hit this big funk over feeling gross and fat, and I hAVE to get out.
I just missed class because of it.
Nothing I tried on fit or looked good, and I only have like 3-4 outfits I am rotating at this point, so I look like some poor fat idiot at school. I NEVER look stylish b/c I have to sucomb to whatever looks decent enough on me and not whats stylish.
I am so mad at myself for missing class, for feeling this way, for getting here, blah blah blah.
Last night I cried myself to sleep literally.
It started when I went to the Apparel Mart for a class meeting. I showed up 5 min before we were supposed to be there and it seemed like I was late already. Everyone was already talking and there. So, that made me feel weird and bad. But whatever.
So, we walked around and were rushed, and I didn't know what was going on. This is partly because I missed the class before.
So, I find out we have a test for the next class only through deciphering the bits of info from our teacher. So, I'm wondering what its over and trying to get as much info as possible. Apparently its some retest b.c cause some people complained about the old test. So, whatever, I did good on the first one.
Then he just leaves us and we are there for all of 45 min, and my boyfriend had dropped me off, so I have to make him come all the way back to get me. I apologize profusely. But while at the mart, we were talking about jeans and yokes and how they can make your butt look skinnier or bigger or whatever, and I think this black girl made a comment about me. I'm not entirely sure, but she asked if our teacher heard her and she said no, and if 'she' heard me, and the girl said I don't think so.
But anyway, that made me almost wanna cry. It was at the tail end of my period and I was just an emotional wreck anyway. So, I was depressed at home, and then everything just hit me like a wall and I couldn't fake it.
V knew something was wrong, but I couldn't tell him only to either here him lie to me about how I look, or say that I am fat and need to lose weight. There was no win-situation for him even though I needed a shoulder to cry on.
So, I just took some tylenol pm and went to bed at 9:30 alone. I just felt overwhelmed.
And I was doing better today, I did all my work for class. I was planning on just drinking a slim-fast, but I had a small glass of milk and 100 cal pack as well, just restricting. I did my homework, and then I couldn't find anything to wear. My hair has f-in BLUE in it b/c of this new shampoo, and it's totally obvious. I tried to style it where it wouldn't show, so I was thinking I can't turn around in class....but then that coupled with me looking fat and bloated in the clothes I put on sent me over the edge. I looked horrible. Blue hair to hide, stupid ugly un-stylish clothes to hide my body. I looked and felt ugly and stupid. I was not stylish at all.
And I'm sick of being IN FASHION and not being able to WEAR fashion. People must think I have no taste based on what I wear to class.
I am so upset at myself in every way.
But what to do.
Nothing is going to make me be 50lbs lighter by tomorrow. I'm not going to have more money in my bank account tomorrow to buy something for now, and I'm not going to have anything but the same stinky clothes to wear to my next class.
I feel awful.
I think I am going to burn all the calories I ate today just out of frustration and a need to DO something. At least I'll have to be on the elliptical for a while to do that.

I just don't know what to do. I am like physically unable to follow through on a diet. I swear I need that gastric band or something because I cannot stay on a diet or follow through with anything!
I just like to eat, and I like to be out and eating socially. It makes me feel like a real person instead of an ana-mia freak counting calories. I've lost my middle ground. It's either 'eat whatever, stay the same, gain a few" or " restrict, depression, emotion, anorexia" I don't know how to do a happy medium anymore. I don't know how to eat healthy.
I think it's because I ate healthy in highschool, but I was on a sports team so I burned it off and stayed the same. I ate like I eat now and that was normal. But I can't exercise like I used too, that was on a team 5-6 days a week 2 hour practices. We were DOING something, and the elliptical just doesn't do that for me.

Ugh, I'm one of those people who needed an athletic job to stay fit. I never got the memo on what to do once your organized sports program drops off.

I don't know what to do. I have to make some plans and stick to them, but I don't know how.
I can't believe I missed class, God help me get better with all this. I want to get out of here, this state, these things, these problems....









The WeatherPixie

FADE // SPARKLE

I�m finding out that cheating gets it faster