Dear Diary,

hmm, just thought i should update in here a little more....after perusing a few entries.

V and I almost broke up after that 3 day no-talk.
We finally talked and spoke about just being friends and hanging out only twice a week.
Of course, that shit didn't happen. Talk about being alone and everything after his mom left made us get closer than ever as far as I can tell. We both freaked a little at the realistic talk and never really said anything about it.
So, now it's like weird-ville.
I dont think of him exactly like my boyfriend, but I don't know what he thinks. I don't tell him I love him anymore, and I don't plan on saying it anytime soon.
We haven;t had sex in a month and we won't for another month b.c I couldn't afford my birth control this month. Pur cut hours for over a few months now, and no one else gives me money. I had to even buy most of my own books and supplies for school on my super small salary. So needless to say, times are kinda rough.
V and I are trying not to spend too much money, but that means not being able to go out and do things which equals boredom for us.
It's a weird relationship though.
Like I told Amanda Moes. at lunch one day the other week. (BTW she is a big wreck in progress as well, car wreck ,another dui, house arrest for a mo. etc!) But shes getting better, i think for once.
Anyway, I told her, I just don't think after getting SO close with another person, that I'm ready to let that go. He knows everything about me and me about him and we know our biggest secrets. I'm just not ready to let that go again. As we get older, you don't have as many of those 'good' relationships or that many people you can call who know you well enough. And I've formed one with V and put a lot into it. I'm not ready to cut out on it. For what? So, I can sit at home, alone, fat, and depressed?? It's not like the guys are knocking down my doors ever, so not like they would if we weren't together.
Ya know real life sucks. In no story book did they ever tell me growing up, that in real life boys will never ask you out. Not even if you ARE pretty and thin and whatever...they are afraid ALL the time or gay. B/c they didn't ask me out when I was super hot, or in between and they don't now. It just doesn't happen, not to me or any of my girlfriends. They've always had to pursue the guy or make it obvious, or just be in the same group of friends.
I just have no life right now. I feel like my life is over.
I was alone before V, going to school, working, feeling depressed in between or just going out and getting drunk and fooling around. Or hanging out with guys with no future or no romantic future.
Then I met V and we at least helped each other. We hung out together doing better things away from drugs and alcohol. I felt better, more social, better at school.
Things were heading upward until he said what he said about my body and sex in Sept. 2007. Then it got out of control, and frankly, I wish I had broken up with him then. I don't regret what we have now, and what we've built. But I wish I had been a strong enough person to end it then. I want to be that kind of woman...who would never take that bullshit from some douchebag. And that might be the difference in why we will never ultimately be together. That one day changed everything, and looking back over a year later, it still was the day that crushed my hope and changed everything.
He went from Prnce Charming to every douchbag in the world when he said that. I wish I'd had the courage to walk away, but my lonlieness had just gotten cured and I didn't wanna go back to feeling sad and depressed.
Looking back at my entries, and my life, I feel sad. Thats not the strong, independent, fiery girl I started as. That girl is trapped in her body, afraid of many things, and letting people walk on her.
How did it get like that?
It's not me, and it's not how I really feel.
I gotta man up, but I don't know what it means with me and V. I wanna keep him around somehow, but I told him I wasn't sure if we'd be together. He knows that it could end on a dime. I told him I'd never put him out in the cold or do him dirty, but he knows we have a thread of a romantic relationship.
lol, if i go back and read this, this will make me laugh although no one else will get it. lol V is going to be my "Ted" like Granny. haha
If you knew the story, it'd be funny, but damn it's my diary, I don't have to explain it. Just know it's pathetically funny, but in a sad distorted way.

Anyway, I gotta piece myself back together somehow.
So, maybe I need to think on the things that made me up and made me happy back then....the interests....back to basics.....
go back and start over
of course losing weight will have to start, but other things too....

interesting to think over