Dear Diary,

It's like I'm dating a robot with all my same likes and dislikes. Excuse the spelling and grammar coming,,, it's a mad rant.

So, Vasil's mom is here visiting, and we just had a mini-fight. Sure, I have a bad cold and am grumpy, but I feel I do have some right to be mad, abeit small.

Anyway, it starts off because I am sick with a cold. Bulgarian medicine vs. American medicine. His mom is a pedatrition, and though she sees poor adults as well, I can't say I entirely trust her 'education'. I know she has a good heart and means well, but I don't think shes a AAA doctor. I might be wrong in that, and probably I am. She IS a good person and probably a fabulous doctor, but I can't help doubting the credibility of her medicine ways. Shes said herself they are WAYYY behind in technology and medical news. They don't even have screens to stand behind to do x-rays so she has like weird strange protrusions and bumps on her arms from radiation exposure over the years.
Umm...yeah, you see where I'm going with this now. Okay.

So, V always overmedicates himself and she tells him to take a antibiotic for every little thing. My mom (and I agree) that this is bad. Your body doesn't need to take antibiotics unless it is a serious infection, otherwise you will be immune to the antibiotic strains and will not be able to get one should you ever really need it for something serious. Theres a whole medical stand on this, and I am behind the American stance of course. But he pops those things like gum sometimes.
So, of course she thinks I should take one and do that stupid nose squirt thing. I HATE that nose squirt thing, it makes me feel like throwing up and I told him word for word, sternly, "I will NEVER so long as I live to that stupid nose squirt thing!" and to never bring it up again.
So, later they are asking me how I feel, and I'm just honest and like, "well, crappy and stuffy as usual"
So they are like, well u shoulda taken an antibiotic and done the nose squirt thing. So, I get pissed b/c I already said with venemance I would NEVER do that and how I feel about antibitotics. This isn't the first time they've thrown that in my face though.
Then dinner proceeds to be a big show. It goes something like European vs. American ideals......2 Europeans across from one American.
His mom says they have cucumbers that grow like raddishs in BG and taste different than ours. So, I'm like, well, maybe that is a different vegetable than we have b/c celery grows on stalks and doesn't grow like a raddish. Just politely, like maybe they have a vegetable we've never had. She insists that they are the same but taste completely different and grow like raddishes. Okay, whatever. I don't believe this, but what can I say. Vasil doesn't back me up at all. If this is true, then whatever, but I find it hard to believe that celery grows in the shape of a raddish because of their soil and in stalks in our soil. Hmmm?
Then to beer. Vasil wants to order PBR and MGD. Of course, I tell them they are shitty beers that aren't very good and cheap. I say how I used to buy $1.00 MGD's in college when you were broke and hoe PBR gives you a big hangover.
So, he orders one anyway. Then says its awesome and passes it to his mom who likes it too.
This pisses me off b/c it's like they want to like everything I don't recommend. Also, it doesn't taste that great, it might not suck, but it's NOT that good.
I make a comment how I will not go out with V if he orders PBR all the time just to state the extremeity of my decison. Maybe that was rude, but it's true. If he ordered that on a first date, I'm not sure there would be a 2nd unless he was fabulous.
So, I say well, I'm sure ya'll have things like that in BG, things that are well-know for good taste, and bad things people don't like to get as much unless they have no money or etc...
They agree, but still put an argumentative spin on it.
So, I'm getting more pissed by the minute. Then we talk about american and european fashion and everything just goes down hill. I am just annoyed and pissed and don't feel like talking anymore since they are disagreeing with everything I say.
Oh and also, we were getting ready to order and I tell Vasil to get his mom these buffalo chips b/c they are like something she wanted before and he says okay. Then he orders her a hamburger with fries and I tell him about the chips (in front of the waitresS) and hes like NO! She wants the SAMe like what she wanted last time!! And I'm like, well a minute ago you said you were gonna get her those chips she liked, and he;s like No, I didn't. She wants the same thing.
The waitress is staring at us, so I'm like 'okay, whatever' and shoot him an eat shit and die look. Then we talk a bit, and hes like well I can order them still if u want them, and I have to explain it wasnt for me. duh! He wasnt really listening or didnt care. I'm just annoyed from the start ya know. He really cut me off and yelled in front of the waitress.
Then about that alcohol thing.... I say the content is close to the European beer, but it depends on which beer you get. So, then they are like no, they are WAAy stronger, then he asks the waitress to tell us the content of alcohol in the american beer. She can't find it, but it was like they were just trying to prove me wrong. What I didn't get a chance to say before they were so quick to prove me wrong was that only SOMe american beers have higher alcohol content, but not the lite beers etc. But whatever, they were too busy trying to get me on something.

Then the waitress comes us to split the check. Ha! She didn't EVEN KNOW we were together! I wasn't surprised and I made a comment about it just so he'd notice too. So, it couldn't have been just me...the waitress thought we were a not super close group of people too.
So, we had a spat about it when we got back. I made an excuse and said I wanted to work on my project. He HAS done a lot for me while being sick, but by pointing it out, it discredits it. And he said I was mean while sick, which is maybe true. The truth is, he decided I was nice and he likes all I am doing for him mom and wants to hold my hand and kiss me and stuff. But that shit is way gone a long time ago.
We're not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. He knows that too really. I don't think we'll ever do more than a peck kiss from now on and brush sides when passing. I don't even feel any physical love anymore. I never really did. He just hurt me too much when he said that mean stuff about me and my body. So after that, I don't think I ever could have been comfortable with him. He was always the enemy again....like a drunken hook-up that you just wanna get through and go to sleep and move on.
I feel stupid for still being in this relationship if you can call it that. the truth is, we probably woulda broke up earlier if his mom didn't come. We've been on hold or pretending while she is here, but I know she knows there is a difference.
I'm just a shameful liar staying in this relationship. I'm afraid to be alone. I get depressed when I am alone, and I don't have many friends here anymore that I hang out with. I would be really alone without him, and it might affect my work and school if I get depressed and alone again.
Also, I am really unhappy about my appearance lately. I wanted to change while being with him to be perfect for the next guy, but I gotta do that better. It's affecting my life too. If I felt better on the outside, I'd probably be more apt to meet new friends too. I know I would. I wouldn't be afriad to go out there and dress up and be my hot self.
Thats what I need to do I know to be happy. To get better inside and out and stop staying in this negative relationship. Or hiding..thats what I am doing hiding. Hiding in my own skin and in this stupid relationship.
V has no taste, no common sense, no personality, we've been together so long, and we dont even have inside jokes. It's worse than bland. The only thing I've done is amuse myself with someone who lets mehave my way 24/7 who helps me clean and not be bored and lets me help them with style, taste, and integrating into american life. Thats my realationship in one short sentence. And thats all it is. I have always felt like I won't even miss it.
We have nothing...I don't feel smarter b/c of him, or happier, or funnier....I just don't feel lonely. Thats all. I feel secure and not bored. We don't have anything to talk about though, and I have to force him to talk about serious stuff, and even then he just agrees with me so it's not a real conversation.
It's just so done...yet I am afraid to jump ship. I'm still unhappy about my appearance and not ready to be alone and depressed. I only have 3 more quarters of school, and I just wanna make it until then and just get a job and move away or something.
And he might get this new tennis job which I need him to get. I needed him to be 'okay' before I leave. Like with a good job, making money, ya know okay. Not worried about his life and job security where he 'needed' me. Because the need was really clear and desperate. Like hes alone in the world without me.
Damn. If his mom lived here, I'd break up with him tonight almost. Because I know he'd be okay and not alone. Although I would which isn't cool.
But I would know he'd have a support.
But his job is up in the air right now, and he's not making enough money for his bills and he feels insecure, so I can't kick him when he's down. I'm not that kind of person regardless of how I feel.
But I sometimes find myself in the car or somewhere with him and his mom or just with him feeling so strange....like I am somewhere I don't belong, or in a strange place, or thinking how did I get here in this car with these people? It feels like a strange journey for me to be with people so unlike me, and so not even close to the people I like or want to be with. They are nice, but ya know...just not for me ya know? You know it when it's wrong, and sometimes I get overwhelming waves in moments of wrongness. Like I can feel the wrongness and even the future when I will look back on it and question what i was thinking... It's so weird because I can REALLY feel that. It's sort of comforting...like knowing I will be in a better place looking back oddly. But that just means my own self knows how weird and odd a situation it is!

The fight was unescessary though. I didn't mean to do that while his mom was here or hurt her feelings. Who knows what hes translateing to her.
It doesn't help that I found a summer book with a charater in it just like me who finally finds a strong enough guy for her. It's the best romance I've ever read, but also because it is at the right time, and it's me in the story. A bold, strong, creative girl who thinks the nice guys are too weak and the macho guys too arrogant. She finally meets a strong protective bodyguard who has deep feelings and can sense she is so busy taking care of everyone else and not herself. He cuts through her toughness and wins her over, but not without a fight...the passion and witty banter is endless. And it makes me fall in love with the book. Because thats what I want. A guy whos tough enough to hang with me and call me out on the bullshit but still love me for trying...and who is also intelligent with feelings.
Of course, it's a book so I sometimes feel like it might not be possible to find a guy like that, but damn if I can't help wishing and reveling in the book. I'm going to be sad when I finish it.

But anyway, I need some time alone. I think the break-up needs to happen soon. If V gets this job, I'll contemplate the right time. I'm too nice, I don't want him to be alone for Christmas here in America.....So, it has to be after that. But I need to get in shape, so maybe it'll happen after I feel more confident and better about myself.
Maybe it will happen itself, and I will meet someone better where I have to just do it and not look back so I don't miss a guy like that from the book. I definitely would't hold back if I met that guy. I know good when I see it. I'm not a cheater, but I'm just saying, I might need some pushing over the edge to really do it. But I also need time to get in shape. I think I'm going to plan it now, but I gotta get over my massive cold first...
Oh, and I'll get over my cold WITHOUT antibiotics or the nasal sniff stuff, thank you very much!!!

ciao, until later