Dear Diary,

haven't updated in a bit
V and I are still together now.
it was more of a miscommunication

he said 'he wasnt sure if he could date me anymore' because i said in the fight when i was mad 'any guy can do what he could' etc
I think I did say that, but I didn't necessarily mean it.

I don't know. Things are better, and they were really great since last week, but yesterday we had a few minor issues, but we're back on track now.

I ended up texting him, and he called me that night to ask me out to eat, and I ended up having salad etc and breaking the fast, but I didn't pig out.

We talked over everything, and the best thing was, I shared my diet/self feelings about everything and my past. I explained to him how I DO wanna be healthy and athletic and in good shape, but I don't wanna be unhealthy and eating disorder like or any kind of extreme.
We talked over everything, and I felt better for sharing with him but kinda nervous about what he thought about it.
He was supportive though.

Since then I've been doing a diet/workout program. I think I'm just thinking in my head that I'm doing something more healthy by working out and it looks that way to him and others, but I've been cheatin a little.
But it's still better than nothing so I don't care.
I've been working out and mostly trying to work off all the calories I have eaten. Which I know is not the best, but it WILL help me lose weight AND tone up. So whatever. Plus, over the last 2 days, I did have some Plus calorie intake. We ate a lot yesterday, and I didn't get to workout as long as I wanted so I had to go to bed with more calories taken in.
I was gonna fast today just because Friday is easy for me to do that, and V doesn't get off work til 12am, so I just feel better not eating, and I wasn't gonna work out today either...just kinda rest.
But now V is coming for lunch and we are gonna eat Subway (330) calories, and so I'm gonna have to work those calories off so it'll be another workout day.
I think I'll fast Saturday before I go home to the lake and tell my parents I ate already. Sunday I'll workout on the treadmill and eat subway after church.
I'm gonna weigh-in on Monday so I hope I at least lost 5-7 lbs. I'm gonna be pissed if I didn't. I've been doing A LOT of cardio. Like an hour of grueling stuff, burning from 500-800+ calories a day. And then eating that or less, so I better have lost something or then I don't know what to do.
V was telling me how his mom lost weight but not really eating anything but some goulash crap. Then I got mad at him, and said I dont wanna know! I had to explain to him how 'eating disorder' meant anorexia, then he got it and stopped talking about that.
But it pissed me off that he even says that. It's people like him in this world that confuse women and younger girls. This society PROMOTES the anyway you get there attitude. Wanna lose weight, don't eat, wanna get over your problems, do drugs. It's such bullshit! It pissed me off that he was telling me that....it's just the principle of it. Why would u tell anyone to 'stop eating' ?!? It pisses me off so bad! He didn't realize anorexia was my background so then he apologized and stopped talking, but still. I feel so hopeless....I feel like society wants me to not eat and be skinny and sick.
It's like it doesn't matter how you get there as long as you do. It's such bullshit.
So, fuck it..I'm doing this, and if it works I'll keep doing it just to maintain some sanity and some healthiness, but if it doesn't work...I'm totally going back to not eating. Fuck it. I'll just do what everyone says to do. If they ask,I'll just be like, oh, i'm not eating so I can lose weight, my boyfriend recommended that to me b/c thats how his mom lost weight or whatever...blah blah blah

its al bullshit anyway

but on a different note, V and I are better for now.
I'm still weirded out that I shared so much with him, and if I fail at this losing weight stuff, we'll probably ave to break up since I shared my story with him and that I was trying to lose weight.
He'll be disapointed, and I'll feel like shit if it doesn't work.

We are kinda better though.
I made him a resume and applied to a job for him, and the guy called him back this morning. He's going to the tennis job interview maybe Monday.
It might change his life, and so he's happy with me and we are fine now. He's got things to look forward to and I feel good for helping him.
I hope it works out. I know he'll be worried about the money situation since the tennis job won't make him as much money, but I hope he goes for it. He needs to get out of his crappy job, and Ihope he can take the step.
anyway, things are kinda better
my finals are here, 2 more weeks til the end of spring quarter.....

i'll update more later when I weigh-in...i hope I lost at least 5 -7 lbs!! wish me luck!