Dear Diary,

Not good. V and I broke up this past Thursday night.
I'm not sure what to think. It was kinda coming, but I don't know.
I don't want to be over with him like this, but what other way is there. Theres never just a time where people just like break up.
It was over the dumbest weirdest thing.
We had some drinks and I got comfortable, we've been dating for a year, and he knows I have had some eating disorder issues in the past.
Well, anyway, the breakup was over this stupid stuff.
Sure, I was drunk. But I told him about how when I was little, like 7, and I felt fat at school, I was upset about it for a couple of weeks, I got the guts to ask my mom about it and how I could lose weight, and my mom told me to 'stop eating'. Which really shocked me. I was 7! And I don't think I managed to push this in, but my mom told me in like a nasty way. Like it wasn't like she said' well eating too much makes you fat'. She was like' well u should just stop eating' in this super sarcastic mode.
Well, shortly after that a girl in the class below me became anorexic and girls in my class were bulemic. So I understood the meaning of that. I was SO shocked that that was the advice that my own mother would give me. I freaked a little. Like damn, I must be fat then. And lets not forget, I was SEVEN! 7 years old ya know...not even close to puberty etc.
But anyway, I basically babbeled about all that crap and the hurt it caused me and everything....and V was such as asshole about it. He told me I was so ungrateful and that I was stupid, and why did I wanna be fat, or whatever. It was vague, I don't remember everything.
He basically didn't offer me ANY support and was critical and acting like I was stupid. I told him before I even said it all that I had something I wanted to bring up, but wasn't sure if I could tell him. So he knew it was a tough topic.
And in my drunkeness, I was shocked at how he acted. I expected support and got criticism, I freaked out. I got so pissed at him. It was like I didn't know who he was.
He did that thing he does when he turns really cold. Like, he starts being negative, critical, and hard. Like he's not the same guy anymore.

I freaked out, and I think he thought I was going to stay, but I said fuck no, and took my dog and left. Then I took all my stuff the next day.
I wrote him some text messages that night, some nasty ones, but I told him I was digusted with how he acted, and that he was no friend or boyfriend of mine.
I also even told him in the fight I would lose weight and be super hot, but not for him, with another guy and we were gonna have sex every night! lol gotta love the drunken rant. It was bad. lol

I am so mad about how he acted though. I was mean to him in the fight and said some bullshit about he wasn't super hot anyway and I never looked at him twice before he talked to me.
I didnt totally mean that, but it's kinds true.
Anyway, besides those things, I didn't deserve him being so negative. He was downright nasty. I was bleeding my heart to him, sharing the hardest thing about my past, and I got nothing but negativity and criticism from him. I really don't think I can get past that.
I mean, now I feel gross ugly and disgusting, and like I'm not good enough for him. I didn't deserve that, I was crying when I told him the story and it was hard. I was shocked that he reacted so negatively. And after I told him, he said " I don't know if I can date you anymore after you tell me that" WTF?!?!?! What does THAT mean? After I tell him about my story? I got so pissed and confused after he said that. So, now I'm like, are you serious?!? I just wasted a fuckin year of my life with some guy who can't "be" with me all of a sudden just because I share something with him and he thinks I am ungrateful, and he can't handle any tough issues?!?! I thought he was a stronger and better man than that?!?
WTF? Like shit isn't gonna happen in the rest of our lives, and I share with him down the road and he freaks like that?!?
I am so pissed and SO ridiculously hurt. I hate myself for telling him, but am so glad if thats how he is going to be. I never wanna be with someone like that. I am always gonna have this e.d. story to share with someone, and if they can't react with understanding, love, and compassion AFTER a fuckin year of knowing and supposively loving me, then they cannot be for me.
I am just still shocked though. Why would he let that be the reason we break up?
Why would he be so uncaring and so not understanding. We were holding hands and kissing hours before in the pizza place? WTF? I felt comfotable with him in this nice dive bar, comfortable in the relationship so thats why I wanted to share with him. I just wanted him to know, and know thats why I am so weird about the whole diet issue stuff, but I was going to turn that into, yeah i wanna get healthy, please support me...this is why it's hard for me.

But he didn't even let me get to that. He was critical and nasty to me. I was so shocked and hurt at his reaction and me being drunk only made me feel even more shocked and emotional from the outcome.
So we haven't talked since then. I got my stuff from his house and dropped some of his shit off at his. I was going to leave the apt key, but realized I couldn't lock the door without it and he wouldn't be home until after 12am from work, and I couldn't be that mean.
I just don't know what to do. I am just shocked at his character and thats what hurts the most. That I thought he was loving and supportive, and suddenly, when I open up for the weakest thing I have inside me, he reacts like that?!? It's like I shared my most intimate secret with him thinking it was time and I could b/c the relationship had progressed enough, and then....bam! I got the exact opposite.

I just don't know if he ever realizes what he did that I can even get back together with him. I can't forget that, and as I've written in here. It's not the first time. I just feel so hurt. I feel so bad about myself, and so stupid. I feel unworthy. And my boyfriend isn't supposed to make me feel this way.

And then it hurts me to think he might think he is guilt-free in this, because he hasn't called or text messaged at all..not even to say anything back to my text msgs or the stuff I left at his house. It's like he doesn't care, or doesn't think he did anything wrong which only hurts me more.

I don't know how to suck it up and be self-inspired. I feel so low, and so fat, and ugly, and everything.
So, I didn't eat at all today, and I'm not planning too for like the next 3 weeks if I can make it. I feel like not eating from sadness, self-loathing, and control.
But I also am gonna do some revenge shit, and lose some of that weight, get super glam, and coherece SOME hot guy to go out with me to the restaurant he works at looking super super hot. And he might have to be right in front of us or even if he doesnt directly deal with us, his coworkers will TOTALLY tell him. I know it's bad and mean, but it's all I can do, and I've always wanted to do something like that. It might be mean, but theres nothing wrong with it. I can show him, fuck u, u don't get to have this body or the person that goes with it.
And on top of that, someone new might be in your position. I do feel bad for whichever hot guy it's going to be, but maybe I can find a friend who'll know whats going on.
Otherwise there could be an issue.
I am SO not eating though...I swear I have some serious willpower now. I won't eat until I pass out on the floor, and thats it.
I'm just so confused.
What if he misses me and decides to suck it up and apologize?! I've already though about breaking up with him, but I wanted to wait until I did get more healthy and super hot before I left the relationship. Because I wanted to be able to meet someone else after, and not still feel and look gross where I sit alone in dispair.
But it happened when it happened, so I'm gonna start not eating now until I can't go anymore.
It's about control, dealing with my hurt and anger, and punishing myself for not taking care of my body. It's sad, and messed up, but I really don't want to eat.

It's all messes up that I feel this way. I do like him, and I wasn't ready to end things, but a lot of things weren't ideal, but they weren't completely awful either. I didn't feel like breaking up with him yet.
And I DO miss him, and I don't want to see him with another girl or imagine his life without me.
But then, I think about how he reacted when I shared this ultimate weak moment for me, and then I get disgusted and just wanna say fuck him! But I know he gets mean and cold in a fight, and hes not like that so much the rest of the time.
But I can't give him the benefit of the doubt. It's not likely that this next scenario will happen....
Say he apologizes and we get back together, I will be like a mime, I'll be so silent. I won't want to have sex, and I'll starve myself like crazy whether to his knowledge or not. It'll be over anyway.
I'll lose weight, he'll say, 'oh u look great', and then I'll curse him in my head for promoting my unhealthy torture to myself (just like me mom). Maybe I just want someone to say, ya know what, i want you to be healthy no matter what you look like or weigh. I can love that person, and I can strive to be more fit and healthy for that person.
But if that happens, I'll resent him in my head, and all he'll get is a skinnier girlfriend who is just losing weight to get hot and dump his sorry ass. He'd have to step his game up too, because seriously, hes cute, but if I got a (1-10) 7 or 8 personality, and I get a 9 body, then hes gonna have to bring his game up. I was hot when I was skinny, and I would be again, but look....he's average now, and he isn't hot. How can he match me if I get better?
His personality if like a 5 and it annoys me at times, though he is super nice and sweet sometimes, and his body is probably a 7, hes got a good butt and is fit, but he isn't big and doesnt have good muscles at all. His legs are like girl legs. I'd like a more built up guy, especially if they are gonna call them selves 'athletic'.
Anyway, I guess I can bash him all I want and it;s natural.
But he doesn't deserve me. I give so much of everything else about myself to make up for my body. My make-up and hair are hollywood ready, I cook food for him, I make creative cards and gifts for him, I take him out to places hes never been for fun adventures, and I am always surprising him with fun and unique ideas. The only complaint he can have about me is my weight and my money situation. (still in college) And shit, thats it. I wanna fix the body situation, but not because he can't love me if I don't. I wish he could just be supportive and then I could do it healthily on my own with love and support. But he's not.
And thats all I want in my life, supportive people around me. I've had way too many critical people in my life, which is why my body image is as fucked up as it is. Even when I was skinny, my parents would criticize me a little. It didn't help from that event when I was 7, that started the spiral out of control in my little girl head. Did my parents not notice, I convienently did book reports on anorexia, and other things. I scoured pro-ana websites for years, and was all too interested in her doctors daughters eatng disorder. It was probably all a cry for help, but it never got answered. And even when I share now, I still get met with crititicism. What am I supposed to do? Fuck them all and just be myself. I don't know how to do that anymore. My 'self' wants me to starve to suffer and get there that way. And i don't know how to do otherwise b/c I wanna just be thin however I get there.

I am just so dissappointed in the person I trusted and loved. I thought he really loved me, but how can he if I open up to him and he is so negative back.
I think it may really be over, but I can't believe hes gonna let it be over something like this.
I keep wondering if hes gonna come over or write me a note or text message, but I don't know. If he never does, I will be crushed. Because I can't believe someone I've given a year of my life to could be so cold and hard. It makes me wanna cry and yell at myself for being so stupid.

If he doesnt contact me at all, I'm totally going full force through with the jealous thing no matter what. I'm doing it for fun, and maybe he wont even care, but I just want to show him how hot and skinny I am. Maybe I'll bring a girl friend, but a guy just seems better, especially if he lets me go over this stupid fight.

i'm really thinking it might be over this time though and it's causing me that real break-up pain.....I'm getting depressed and I don't wanna be.
I wish I was fit and skinny now, so I could just go out on a date with another guy and they'd be drooling for me. It could be so easy if I found someone else who interested me.
I just can't believe how this happened.
but anyway, as my diary goes...
this is day one of a serious control break-up fast....
19*