Dear Diary,

so wow, my boyfriend and I just celebrated our 6 month anniversary. I needed to write in here because I just feel so weird to be in the place that I am right now. I'm happy, but it's new for me.

The European guy, just b/c I don't wanna list names....sorry.
Well, anyway he is really great. The only reason I am still in a super serious relationship is because of him. I mean, I'm not retarded and when something so amazing steps into your path, you can't fuck it up.
Sometimes I still question if he is totally for me b/c we have a lot of differences, and he's not super passionate about some of the things I am into. Like music and art.
But in every other way, he is like the most ideal, or more than I probably could have ever even described ideal before him. So, I have to think...I COULD potentially meet another guy into art and music like Andy from before, but he'll never be this guy. Andy was so great, and I hung on his every word. But I was fascinated and intrigued by his life, confidence, and art/music talent. When it came to being a boyfriend, he was paranoid, neurotic, selfish, conceited, and flaky. He also still smoked pot almost every day, which isn't okay for a long term life.

But anyway, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him. And I feel like I'm deluding myself in some fairy-tale 50's perfect family dream thing. I am SO not the person he makes me be sometimes...or am I? I'm so confused.
I'm the party chick, the artistic girl, the thinker, the theorist, totally the artist for music, art, and communication. I LIVE life a little on the edge, and feel deeply in pain and in happiness. I'm punk and rock and edgy.

And with him....eh. I feel like susie homemaker! I'm not sure if it is a compromise or what. I am COOKING for him!! Something I hardly know how to do, but I want to do for him. I'm doing "mom" things or family things...maybe stuff a normal girlfriend would do, but I'm not a normal girlfriend.
I'm independant, rebellious, all about my rights, opinated, but also compassionate and moody. I'm a cancer so what can I say. My mood can range the whole spectrem in less than 24 hours.
But still.....he makes me wanna be conservative. And maybe thats not the best word. But he makes me think about my future, a family, a house, vacations, KIDS! OMG! I'm freakin out!! I'm weirded out b/c these things are not me!!
I'm worried b/c our relationship is getting stronger and closer, and I am merging him into my life more and more. I am just afraid to get too involved if this is never gonna really work.

I'm one of those people who know what they want, and if he is it, then my mind is made up. So, I guess I am trying to decide. I do love him, but sometimes I wonder if this is it or I am setting myself up for a major heartbreak, and I wanna know right now to save myself (and him).
But then other times, I am in love with him. Like tonight. He's been more relaxed lately, and he's been doing more things with me outside of work, and I can't wait to see him. I'm waiting right now...and these past few days...I am lovestoned like J. Timberlakes song. I can't get enough.
Other times, I'm on the fence, but lately we've had a lot of time together. The 6mo. thing made us feel more comfortable finally. I guess I feel more secure, whereas before I was kinda playing games with him, testing him, deciding if we should end things or what. Now suddenly, I feel calm, I am happy. I'm excited about the holidays with him, and I can't get enough of him.
Even though we still have the hurdle of what he said to me before, I feel more loved and more okay.
He tells me I'm beautiful even when I feel gross, and he's ALWAYS cheerful. I rarely have to pick him up when he's down, and he appreciated my help. He works so hard(too hard), but his work ethic is a girlfriend's dream. He tries hard, he means well, he's honest. He wants to be successful, and he's not lazy. He helps around the house, and he's wonderful with my dog. She loves him more than me almost...and not b/c it's someone new like usual...he loves her really and Maya feels it. He's told me he loves her when we were reflecting about dogs and how long they live. He got sad.
It's just so ideal, and it freaks me out. I'm not the conservative girl. But I am on this path that I feel like is leading me to marriage even, and it weirds me out. I thought I'd be partying more, dating more guys, being wild, living all over the US in the single life.
But then, I know....over these past few years, the party life has not been as fun. It's been lackluster.
And I know so much better about some things, that free funloving quality is a little gone just because of age. I didn't want it to go away, but you learn just by experience.
Before him, my life was definitely not better. I was on my way to getting back to my better self, but no where near there. He's saved me in that area. How I can be anti-social and then get depressed... I'm a hugely social person, but when you move around...there are these periods in which you are always alone. They are really bad for me though... Being of such an artistic nature, I feel my melancholy intensely...and it usually affects my whole life/outlook at the time. He's taken me away from that time where I can fall into such mental depths. I am more social, and have less time to think about my life and whats going on.
I am happy with him, and I am beginning to understand how one person really can be your everything. How my parents don't have that many close friends they hang out with. Not that you can't, and that I don't want that....but I can see how that one person can be everything and all that matters. Because they are there for you.

And we have excellent communication. In the beginning, I was awful...I was maybe testing him and trying to push him away. If there was a problem, I'd shoot it at him straight with no tact, and no niceities about it. He dealt with is all so well. I didn't know what to do, I expected him not to be able to handle me. Not to be able to handle my moods, not to be able to handle my problems and my creative and messy nature. But he didn't care.....
So, now I am in this weird place. Like well shit...I didn't expect to be here at this time in my life right now. And part of me still wants to have fun. And I know we aren't like making wedding plans or anything, but I just know where we are going. And I kinda like it, but then I am kinda freakin.
I guess it's normal. I just guess I am getting older and wiser about my life, and I know myself better. I know how I am and how I feel. It's just kinda annoying now...lol
But anyway, I am in a good place with someone that cares about me, and he is such a good person. Someone that I could have kids with for sure. And thats weird...I never even wanted kids, but it's weird how when I met him...I thought about it. Because he is SUCH a good person, would be such a great husband and father. He works hard, would do ANYthing for me, shows romantic gestures, and HELPS me do laundry, dishes, etc..and still opens the door for me. I'm still like DAMN. I mean, c'mon...even if I do find a guy with more interests in common with me, he's not gonna have all that and thats for damn sure. I feel like if we broke up, every other guy will never even be close to being good enough. I dated a good guy before, brent.....and he is SO pale in comparison to this guy now. I thought he would be the measure, but he can't touch this one.

I don't know....I am just in such a strange place. I feel awkward and old. I'm not sure what I think about it.

But anyway, I am happy to be with someone who is so wonderful, loving, and giving. I can't wait to see him in a few. We are going to eat food from the grill and have a nice dinner (that I cook) lol
But it's good, and the holidays are going to be nice, and I'm just happy right now.
School is going fine, my family is okay and around me, and I have this great guy. I thank God for these moments and hope they continue. Not everyone is lucky enough to have these things. Family and Love are two of the most important things you can have. I wish that for everyone, and I am just extremely thankful to be here at this moment right now with these good things in my life.