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�2004*Blondiegrl24*

breaking the girl
Saturday, Sept. 15, 2007 // 12:52 P.M.

Dear Diary,

cant talk about it much now...
vasil and i's relationship
the big fight
he said the worst thing anyone in this world could say to hurt me

he doesnt want to have sex with me because he feels uncomfortable, because i'm BIGGER than him and hes never been with someone bigger than him before. He feels weird lying in bed sometimes because he doesnt know how to deal with that. He thinks that contributes to his lack of wanting to have sex with me. He wants me to play tennis with him so we can get exercise and be healthy and in our best form. etc etc etc etc and he did say it that time before when i was drunk and i was upset, but i blocked it out b/c i wasnt sure that was what he said.

i am so crushed...i can cry right now. If someone stabbed me, I'm serious that I would feel better. I am so hurt. I don't think I've ever been so hurt in my whole entire life. This is the worst thing anyone in the whole entire world could say to me. I am still in shock. I am mad at myself, mad at him, mad at the world. I knew that would happen to me eventually, but i hoped someone one love me for me no matter what.

So, I wanted to write that down so i have down what he actually said because i'm sure i wanna block it out at some point. I can't handle it. He has put me into overdrive..... I want to hurt myself. I cant believe he said that to me. I feel so bad about myself. I already did not feel comfortable doing physical stuff with him and showing my body, but i thought he cared about me and he didnt care so much about that. I know it's natural for everyone to like someone who looks fit, but I thought he loved me for me.
Now it's like I'm super gross, fat, and so much bigger than him.

I think that statement alone is gonna end our relationship. I can never be intimate with him again...I will never be comfortable. And if I do lose weight and he suddenly loves me more, I will resent him terribly. I'm so upset, and I know it's going to end the relationship. I cannot handle it.
I seriously can never have sex with him again or do anything physical. I don't want too. I never had confidence to begin with, but he shattered it to pieces. I have nothing left. No confidence.....I feel like someone just knocked the breath out of me and I'm never going to be able to breathe again.

The fight was about him not opening up to me, and he said he is going to change that. So supposively, we are supposed to have this trial month where he is supposed to share more with me and be more emotional and vice versa. I told him how much the above statement hurt me and he apologizes. I explained how "I think someone should love me for me. And duh...I was pretty much the same weight when he met me so he knew what he was getting into!!!!! I'm so mad about that! I didn't fool him in anyway....I looked the same...what did he expect?!?!? And i told him how u cant get into a relationship b/c u want to change someone. He didnt say much.

I told him I need to know his position on the above statement like if he feels differently. I really need him to say I love you for you, and I was wrong to say that and I don't care what you look like or weigh. But I gave him chances to say that last night and he wasnt sure how he felt to answer that yet. That alone sends me over the edge. Obviously, he still feels the same and he thinks I'm so gross and ugly and not worthy to love and have sex with.
It's against my morals to feel that way and to judge someone whether it's me or anyone else. I think it's so wrong. Maybe thats part of the reason I made myself this way. Neglect, protection, because someone really has to love me to get past my body not being perfect. Not to mention the one million body image issues I already have from the past, but you know what I mean. I thought the person that loved me like this would love me even when I get my shit together and am more fit and together. Kinda like the toad and the princess story. Kissing a frog, but really they are something better. I know I was going to change and get more fit, but "I thought it is awesome if I find someone that loves me for how I am now. Probably it''d be the same as me being pregnant and they'd know what I might look like then. Thats shitty I know, but I have so many disillusioned reasons for keeping myself unhealthy. It's a lot of self-mutilation...like I deserve to be this way and unhappy.
But anyway, we have this one mo. trial where he is s''posed to share with me more of himself. I am basically never eating more than 300 calories ever again. So, i'm going to lose a lot of weight over this month. I'm gonna let him see me starve myself and see what he has done and started back in me. The obsessing of eating and food and body image. I was fat and happy and not thinking about all of this...i was almost mildly confident about myself in my skin. Now, thats all shattered....the game is back on. Ana is back around. I want to hurt myself b/c I'm upset, I want to control my situation. I want him to see my physical pain. And he wont know til the month is almost up. He'll see how much better i look and want me more, he''ll feel bad for the methods i have used and the resurge of ana pain that he has resurfaced for me. And then we will have to break up anyway, because I can never be physical with him ever again. Even if i was 110 lbs...it'd be in my head. You know how ana stuff is....it never leaves you even if u are skinny. I''m so mad at the world that this is the way things are. I thought maybe here was a nice great guy who didnt care about that..that loved me anyway. And i was wrong. Even the nicest guy in the world only wants the skinniest girl. It's not true that a girl can eat and enjoy the same food as a guy. You do have to eat a salad when he eats a meal, and pick at your food and give bad habits to your kid and be obsessive about your weight so that he loves you. It's so sad. I hate these things. Like Melissa from my hometown who almost starved herself to much while pregnent b/c she was afraid to gain weight b/c her husband criticizes her if she is a teeny bit overweight. She was like a skeleton and supposed to have a baby. It almost didnt live. I dont wanna be that. But it seems it's true, you do have too. No body does love you for you. I dont have hope anymore, I don't believe in mankind. It's not true that love is unconditional. There ARE conditions on love. Til death do you part or until you gain 30 more lbs. shachfh fhhhhhhhhhh im crying as i write this...it's so terrible. And everyone blames those hollywood stars for drugs and being too skinny. They HAVE too. Because there are no good people in the world anymore. No one will ever love you just for you. I've lost all my hope.
Vasil is the only guy I thought was different, nice, a good person, someone not preoccupied with things like that. And I am so let down. I hate myself for getting to how I am. I'm not happy in my skin, but it was my own fight. I just always believe in not judging someone from the outside. I''ve been able to do it, but apparantly guys cannot.
I'm going to be skinny. I'm going to lose weight. I'm gonna be beautiful, and I'm going to judge every single person that tries to hit on me. No one will get in unless they like me regardless of what I look like. I know how it was. I was skinny once, everyone stared at me. I couldnt go to the grocery store, or the gas station without whistles, stares and unwanted attention. I didnt like that. catcalls, honking truck drivers. It made me scared and uncomfortable. A guy followed me for an hour from athens to atlanta once honking and trying to talk to me...it freaked me out. I did not enjoy that attention.
But i'm gonna be skinny....from whatever means possible. Thats it.
This whole trial month, we can spend time like friends. There will be NO sex, no intimate anything, no swimming, no baring of the body. And I will starve and lose weight. Eventually, he'll notice and I won't try to conceal it so much. I'll look better and he'll notice and think everything is going to be okay b/c i'm skinny and he might want to actually have sex with me. And i'm still not going to want too....i'm gonna take my new fabulous self on to someone else who doesnt care what happens to my body. Someone who loves me for me. But he;s gonna be the fuel for my fire right now. Everytime I think of what he said, it rips my heart in two. I don't think anyone could hurt me this much unless they murdered my whole family. Nothing compares to this pain. The pain of all the troubles of my past, the image issues, the weights i've carried on my shoulders, the self-mutilation..... All to hear him say that i'm too ugly to love or have sex with. It's my worst nightmare. And maybe I am, but I thought someone would love me for me. I had to let my guard down to even have sex with him or be intimate and show my body. And i thought it was okay...i was mildly feeling confident and okay about it. And not it''s so shattered..... I dont see how the relationship can ever work. I will never feel okay no matter what I weigh. Not unless we like go to super counseling or something. Or he totally recants what he said. But he said it twice.
I wanna be so small right now. To equal how I feel inside. I don''t ever wanna be bigger than a guy ever again in my whole life. I never wanna hear those words ever again. Whatever it takes. And my hope and faith in good people is so lost. It's not true that you can be healthy and happy. You have to be perfect or no one will love you. And i hate that. I dont wanna tell my future kids that. I dont wanna teach them that. I dont believe it, but it seems to be the truth. Nobody does love you for yourself...everything i want to believe in is not true anymore. I''m so lost....and my faith and hope is gone, and i hate myself, and this moment, and my body. Everytime i think about those words i feel like i am ripped into. I dont know how i can ever recover from this.









The WeatherPixie

FADE // SPARKLE

I�m finding out that cheating gets it faster