Dear Diary,

ugh...
so went to my Life Drawing Final today....it sucked ass.
I don't know whats wrong with me?? How can I be so uninterested and uninvolved in the things in my life?!?
I was thinking about it on the drive home and tears welled in my eyes under my oversized dark sunglasses.
Okay, I was never interested in that class. It was my last drawing class required of my whole college career. You know how you begin things with enthusiasm only to figure out how they are and you lose your interest?
Thats what happened to me in that class. We didn't really have critiques and we just showed up each day to draw the live models that we had in class. My teacher pretty much never gave us any instruction or criticism ever! I asked questions occassionally, but I guess I wanted more feedback from him.

I was assuming I'm not totally doing anything wrong unless he points it out. Or it's at least decent enough. Am I wrong to assume that? He never crticized or complimented much of our drawings so I never really learned anything or grew much talent-wise in class. It was just repetitive drawing. Show up, get out ur stuff, draw models, pack up stuff,, go home.
He didn't even really need to be there. So, I guess I fell into the 'easy' trap with work, other classes, and projects, and I stopped caring or 'trying' in that class. It was unconscious until I think about it now.

It just wasn't doing it for me, and I wasn't really learning anything. I think work is demanding though. It's hard to find a happy medium for me in my life.

With nothing going on in my life, I am ultimately less productive than ever. I have to have some other events going on in order to make myself keep being productive. Whether it's work, classes, meetings, clubs, etc...other activities that get me out and about and doing things. Then, I get inspired to come home and work on creative endeavors as well. But whenever I have infinite free time (not so often), I can't even get myself motivated to work. I was home ALLLL....last summer bored out of my mind, yet I didn't feel inspired enough to work on creative things. Now, I regret some of that lost time.

Sure, I got a totally kickass tan, a lot of sleep, and spent some quality time with my family and dog. But still....I should have been working on some of the things I don't have time for now.

But for some reason, with art school and all the demanding projects....I can't seem to handle work and school. I've been in college for a long time, had 2 jobs at school before, but for some reason...I can't do it now.
I'm not sure what the problem is.

I do work late nights and always on the weekends, but I'm not so sure quitting my job would be the answer. It'd cause temporary money issues, but I'm not sure that with all that extra free time, that I could use it wisely.
It might be wasted. I don't know. I'm contemplating a way to make things work.

Mainly, I need the extra time to focus on all my classes and work harder on the projects. I'm paying a shitload of money for this school and my classes, and I can't really understand why I don't care that much??? I wish someone outside of my life could tell me? I'm too stuck in it all to see the obvious answers.
I just think maybe because I have been in school sooo...long. Art school is not new to me, these younger schoolmates are not new, all this stuff around me....I've done it 3 times over. I've done it so many times. I think I'm a little burnt out, but at the same time......I want to graduate. I want to get my degree. In a way, I'm in a hurry to get out and get done. But then I have interest i 2 majors so it's a catch-22.
I've got to make some decisons soon though.
The only reason I wouldn't quit my job right now is if I'm refocused, and I'm sure I can utilize my time better.
I just feel bad. My teacher wrote on my last grade sheet about my downhill progression on my last turned in drawings. At first, I was mad like anyone who gets a bad write-up on your grade sheet, but then I agreed. He's totally right. I totally didn't try in that class one ounce. Maybe in some classes I tried in the beginning, but for anything turned in...I didn't try.
So, I'm mad at myself for that and trying to figure out why?!? Why am I so indifferent? Whats wrong?

so i'm contemplating..and i have a week to figure it out...
Next quarter starts after the week of spring break. And I need to do much better just because i owe it to myself, my parents, and the money I'm racking up for my education.