Dear Diary,

So, I was trying to write in my diary, but DLand is down for some reason and it would never let me log in. I just gotta vent though.....shit is hittin my fan.

Anyway, I feel out of control a little lately. Of course this always happens to me when drugs, alcohol, and sex are involved....vice, vice, vices.
I've been bad lately though...and maybe it's my own fault-the karma. Ignoring the light of what I've been doing. Had a drunk hook-up with a server from work...which is honest enough except for the fact that he is indeed-married. Not the married guy that hit on me earlier. BUTTTT---- the thing that made me ignore this is because he is not from the U.S. He looks like a white american, but he's from Moraco and I think he had a somewhat arranged marriage there. He still plans on being with his wife one day and he cares about her, but while hes in the U.S. working he pretty much does whatever he wants. I'm not sure if hes been cheating on her with other chicks. We always had chemistry, but never went out. It just kinda happened though, and he said his wife told him he could "have fun" while he was here or something like that. They had the discussion. I dont know...I just forget he's married because he never talks about her and he goes out every night with the restaurant crew just like everyone else. It's weird.
So, bad gets to badder....we've maybe hooked up 3 or more times since then....drunken hook-ups etc.
Then I started hangin across the street with some of the new chicks I invited...started hangin with this other crew. Then suddenly drugs were involved. We hung out at one place, and I had been overworked and had no sleep in 2 days, and then they break out the cocaine. I got briefly excited coz I was like 'shit, this is what i need right now'. I was so tired and exausted from all the art school work, and working doubles at work. So, I just did it then so I could feel better, stay up to drive home, and hang out long enough to party with eveyone without passing out on them. No biggie, but one chick kinda freaked later about people doing drugs in front of her. I guess I didn't think it was such a big deal, but now that I think about it...I see where she is coming from watching people do it right in front of you.

Anyway, it's been since I hung with Amanda and her friend in snellville that we had an all night coke-athon. I like coke, but it's not like all that fabulous...I really don't care. I might do it if it's there, but I don't care if I don't do it again for months or years...whatever. I don't think it's as scary as everyone says...as long as you aren't smoking or injecting anything. ick! don't go there! I'd freak if people were doin that in front of me.
But anyway, so then the next week comes, I go out to this kickass dance club that is playin hardcore house music with the married-guy buddy-C. (we're gonna call him C. for now) Anyway, hes there, we are dancing. Then the drug issue comes up, the 2 other guys we're with buy some and we make repeated trips to the "unisex bathroom" . How convienant. Anyway, then this guy I totally work with (whom i know likes me, but he has a gfriend that works with us) totally hits on me, and plants one on me. Smack..kiss! I briefly kiss back, because I'm shocked, drunk and coked up, and whatever. But I tell him no because he has a gfriend and we work together and I think shes cool and I cant start that drama.
He says he understands and not to tell anyone and that we're all cool. We hang more, then go home at the close of the bar. C and I head to my house where we drink a little more, talk, and then I pull out the bag of coke (that they convienantly left with me tucked in my bra) We do a line on the counter, then have sex on the counter, and on the couch etc. Then he leaves later, and I fell asleep surprisingly easily.
So, yeah...what am i doing here?!? Alas, it continues, one more night we hang out and coke is involved again. B(the other guy i work with) is there are is fucked up and is thinking he wants to hook up with me. I never gave him any hints, I told him no, and I refused his advances. We finally left at like 6am that Sunday, and C took me to my car. It was a weird night and we didnt talk much that night. He mighta been weirded out coz B. was hittin on me and all.
Then B. like calls and texts me like mad to come back to their house and hang. Umm...no freakin way! I tell him i cant and he knows how it is, I dont want that drama..repeat, repeat, repeat... I turn my phone off.....the last message i get is 'u really fucked me up.' what does that mean? I know he was way messed up, but like how...I never acted like I would hook up with him. Idk. So, now I'm a little weirded out by going to work. To talk to C about why he acted so weird, and to work with B who may or may not be mad at me. I wasn't acting like a tease. I didn't openly say no b/c we were in a room with other people, but I never acted like i remotely liked him. We didnt even flirt or anything. I think he thought I might just hook up with him b/c I was fucked up. So, I am dreading my next night at work with him. awkwardness....and i dont need him to not like me b/c hes like in charge. I hope C. isn't acting too weird. We need to stop hooking up, not just because of the wife thing (ok partially), but because I don't wanna be like that. Plus, it's a work hook-up and someone will find out sooner or later. We just need to let it fade away...only I wanna make the decision and not him. I'm not gonna talk to him about hanging out for a while. Just let it go, and if he asks say i dont know if we should anymore. You know how it is....I don't wanna be the one to get shunned. I'm just not gonna talk to him much about anything but work-related stuff.

Anyway, so I feel out of control.. School is getting to me..I've slept less and less working on school stuff, feelin guilty about not having time to walk and play with my dog, and feeling restricted missing out on school social activities with friends there b/c I always always have to work on the weekends. Thats why we all hang out together....work ends up being our lives. So, I'm not sure what to do this weekend...maybe hang out on my own away from work. Not with those people.
I don't really wanna do the coke anymore though...even though I still have a little bit at my house. I just dont wanna get messed up into all that. Although, I don't care for the drug, the only thing I like about it is that is sobers you up from alcohol. I didnt drink too much the other night, but 10 min. after the coke, I could totally drive and felt ridiculouslly sober. It really is like that. But I don't find it all that great...it makes me way too talkative. Like a chatterbox almost, and I can feel myself telling myself to shut up coz It'll be annoying soon. Don't know why B and them to pot and coke together. Too weird combo. The pot person wants to chill, and the coked up chick talks her brains off. Kinda opposite.
But anyway, I wanna get out of all this drama. I don't know how I went from normal and just working every week to this big drama scene. Now C and I have weirdness, B is acting weird around me and is either gonna be mean and indifferent, or try to hook up with me again.
Honestly, I am thinking about quitting soon, but don't have the time to find a new job right now. And then I will miss my weekend social life with the work crew, but on the other hand....the drama is getting too deep. I feel overwhelmed by everything. I have no life outside of all this, and I don't even wanna be doing bad drugs, and hookin up with married people....i mean, wtf? this is not what I want my life to be like. It's happened so fast, so now I gotta try and fix it. Not sure if I can stick with the job to fix it all, but we'll see. 3 more weeks til my quarter of school is over so I have projects out the ass and no time to get a new job. But we'll see.
I'm also thinking about starting a new diet plan...hopefully starting maybe this weekend if I can get it all together. I need to pay my gym Bally's membership when I get paid on Friday to start goin back, and then get the food stuff in place. I need to work on focusing my life on things like health, sanity of mind, and more healthy relationships. Though partying is fun and cool, in the end..i'm way abusing my mind and body....and the sex thing is meaningless and harmful. We have fun, but I feel a little weird later. It's like a one night stand every time we hook up....and then we talk and are cool again and a few days later.....opps. So, no-now I need to get my shit together and work on my mind, body, and soul. Going down this road any further would definitely be a bad idea. We'll see what happens.

~S