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�2004*Blondiegrl24*

updates, WinterQuarter, gaining weight..ick!
Wednesday, Jan. 10, 2007 // 3:33 P.M.

Dear Diary,

okay, so i'm way over that whole adultery thing. I got through it, me and the guy briefly spoke and I said, uh, i don't thin so. And it's kinda over...still leaving a weird taste in my mouth though.

So life is seriously bi-polar for me lately. One day it's good and up, the next seriously nose-dive crashing down. Let me explain....so I missed my first life-drawing class, mostly because I was all stressed out and pmsing. It was late at night before I logged on and started reading my syllabuses and freaking out. I didnt go to bed until 3 or 4am, and then I couldnt get up in the morning...there was money issues, that was the night the married guy asked me out, and I was just freaking out over things big time...like all emotional and pms-ing. So, I slept in and didn't go. The day went well at first though...I went to the grocery store, caught up on things, took my dog for a walk, got things in order. So that day was okay and then Tuesday I went to my other classes and they were not as scary as I thought they might be. Then I went to Old Navy to check out their after-holiday sale to maybe get some new jeans or some stuff to wear to school. BiG mistake. I'm outside, my mom calls, we talk on the phone while I sit in my car, and it starts to get dark. I go to back up...then BAM!!
Fuck. I hit this stupid green pole in the parking lot!!! It's like this weird pole that there are only 3 of like a football pole.....2 sets of 3 in only the fronts of the parking lot saying the height requirement. Dammit! I was in that front spot too so the pole was right next to my right side past my bumper, so I couldnt see it in my rearview vision and it was dark. You couldnt even back out like a normal person in that spot b/c of the pole. I woulda had to go straight back for a long ways before I could even turn to get out. But dammit....then everything hit me again. How could I be so stupid, now my car is fucked up....how can I handle all this shit?!?! argh!
(i was majorly freakin at the time...the pms shit doesnt help...i was practically in tears and ready to just give it all up)
So, it did mess my car up and this piece of rubber was hanging over my tire scraping it and preventing me from being able to drive. I manged to bend it back enough for the wheel to rotate, but it still scratched whenever I turned the wheel anything but straight. I managed to make it home slowly with some really bad left turns, and then my mom called my g'parents who live close by to come check my car so I could make it to school the next day. My step-grandfather helped out and was able to pop some of the dent out and push the plastic back up under the hood. So, now it is slightly better, but still scraps when I hit bumps. I just hope it doen't pop back out. And it sucks b/c my car is so beautiful...it's just one of those cars. It's streamlines, sporty, classy, and just beautiful. Now it's ugly, tainted, and dented on the front side. It just doesn't go with the rest of my car. I know you see beat up Acura integras or Hondas and all,....but my car is just not like that. It looks seriously wrong with a dent in it. Really. It is just too pretty and thats this one big dark spot.

Fuck. Thats how I feel sometimes personally about myself. lol
But anyway, my mom didnt tell my dad yet, but he'll be so pissed. They just paid to have my car re-painted on the front and the hood where a bad paint job was causing rust. So,I don't know how or when I'm gonna have money to fix it, but my dad is still gonna freak whenever he finds out. That made my dad SO much worse. Then I called this job I was kinda excited about and then found out they are trying to pay you $6.50....wtf?!?! Granted it was not a great job and was for a tanning bed, but still?!?! Thats ridiculous!! I just wanted to do somehting different, and was thinking of the free tanning and how the place is like not even a mile from my house. They have to be crazy with that wage though....I still can't believe it.

Anyway, I'm unhappy b/c I have gained weight though and I'm not sure what has been the cause. I have been regularly walking my dog for like 30 min, and I rarely eat that much. But I guess when I do eat-I overeat..and when I don't eat..I just don't eat. But I thought that would probably jut make it a happy medium and not get me anywhere. IDK. Maybe it's the food from my work. Thats my best guess. But usually when I eat from work, I usually don't eat lunch that day if I know I'm gonna order my free food from work. It is a 3-star restaurant, but how can the chicken fingers and salad really be THAT bad for you!??! It's not even like fried...? I mean, it might not be super healthy, but it's not like I'm eating something super fattening.
I dont know. I'm frustrated, and I feel like I don't know how to lose weight anymore. I'm getting panicky. So, I'm basically just not eating or eating one thing a day, or having one slim-fast drink a day. School is super stressful and I need to have some energy to think and draw. Work is more movement running all around, but it's not that bad unless it's a Fri or Sat.
I just feel lost. I used to be able to make the plan and stick to it and get results. Now, I'm having trouble starting and sticking. But I don't wanna gain any more....I need to go down fast. So, i dont know..it's depressing.
I'm hoping I can just keep up this routine of not really eating and eventually see some results while I'm caught up and busy with school and work. I don't really have time to eat, but I just worry about not having energy or otherwise I'd just fast.
But school is pretty stressful this quarter, so I think I need to just restrict as well as possible....as much as I can get away with for energy.
I'm still so bummed though. I gotta make it work again this time.









The WeatherPixie

FADE // SPARKLE

I�m finding out that cheating gets it faster