Dear Diary,

i suck at updating. i know....i'm sorry.
I'm gonna try and do better...I've had wwaaay too much going on and too much to say. I need to start writing it all down and getting it out.

Anyway, tonight was drama. This guy at my work whom I "was" friends with put me in a bad position.
I thought he was cool..mildly attracted to him b/c he is an artist although hes a chef at my place. And he is cool and I like his outlook on life. BUT ANYWAY, none of that is importat...I just liked chatting with him because he is older than me and I KNOW he has a wife!! Thats right, w-i-f-e. I know that, and I know he has 2 kids. I wasn't tryin to get with him...we are just friends at work like I am with a lot of other servers, chefs, etc. We shoot the shit when it's slow. No big deal.

Well, shit....tonight he like started chatting with me like normal. Then BAM!!!! Like a big giant semi he flat out tells me he likes me and he would like to hang out sometime outside of work to "talk". WTF? I'm kinda confused, but not totally skevved out b/c I think he means like go out some night with us and a bunch of other servers. (We all go out after work some nights to the local bars nearby and hang out). So I think he means something like that...chatting at the bar one night...whatev. So, I'm like well, maybe but it would depend on where it was and who was there or whatever ya know.
Then it takes a nose dive. Then I see what he means. He wants to see me like alone and he likes me like that. Dude! This guy has a wife and kids!
At first, I remain calm and try to brush it off. He's risking it a little to ask me so formally as I could totally get him in trouble or fired. Though he knows I'm not like that..or that kind of person, and I tell him that.
But it gets weird. I start getting the idea that hes been thinking or thought about this before he mentioned it which freaks me out a little. We haven't had the time to chat in weeks so this is outta no where. Like hes been thinking about me when I havent even been around or talking to him.
So, it gets weird. And I tell him I'm not a drama instigator and I wouldn't start anything. Basically, I AM NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YOU MFUCKER! So, I am trying to be cool about it though b/c we are friends and partly because I still can't believe he is asking me this. I keep waivering between maybe he just wants to hang out and talk b/c he is bored or maybe he really wants to have some affair or some shit?!?!? I'm confused. Then he starts trying to plan it, and acts weird like he cant hang out in public. Then I'm freakin. I meant I might shoot the shit with him at like the bar across the street if we happen to be there, but no kind of secret shit. I am getting increasingly freaked out and uncomfortable. He should sense this, but I feel he does not. I see he has a slight more aggressive personality than I think....which doesn't intimidate me..kinda makes him more attractive but not in this light.
In another time, I might would like him. He's intelligent, has common sense, is ambitious, and has a "i am what i am" attitude with the world, tought yet romantic, an artist, has some class, and is kinda hot in a european dark and handsome way. I am intrigued by his worldlyness and take on the world, but not so much that I would ever partake in an affair. I don't do that shit...bottomline.

Anyway, it gets worse...then I feel like he has thought about this and is waiting for an answer. I tell him I have to think about it and we'll talk later pleading for the "talk" to end. Then I do my normal duties and have to go to the back to get something....and I swear i semi-knew this was gonna happen in an e-s-p kinda way. I go to this storage room to get something and can't find it....one guy offers to help and then there he is. He goes inside, and I'm at the door....and I knew it was coming. He asked me to 'come here', and I just did a teeny small lean knowing I am totally not going in there with him. He then tries to seriously kiss me....I back off and say "No..." kinda unconvincingly at first... I should have been firmer, but I can't believe hes so brazen!! I mean, wtf?!? I am so weirded out! He tries again and I say no because though I could just did the peck and get out of there...a kiss is more than a kiss. Hes married. It's not just a peck on the cheek or whatever...he'll have kissed a girl at work. So, anyway, it's time to go home and I high-tale it out of there.
It hits me on the way home the way all the "losers" have been asking me out lately...how all the wrong people ask me out and I just start crying. Now I have this weird position at work....I have to tell him Hell No b/c he obviously didn't get it, and I'm disappointed in him. I thought he was better than that....a better person. We've been kinda friends for a while now.
I cry and think God is playing some seriously cruel joke on me or testing me against adultry or something bizarre like that coz why me. I havent dated anyone in a while so why the damn icing on the cake for all the losers lately and then this a married guy whom under other circumstances...would have maybe been an actual person I would have liked. (i''m super picky)
It's cruel. I call for back-up from a friend and it was what I needed. A reassurance in how I feel, how it is wrong, and how this guy just sorta likes me mentally and just thinks I'm hot. I can have more self-control b/c I'm not into him, and that affairs are emotional for women, and physical for men. We talk and I feel better.

I make up my mind to not hang out with him no matter what. After that kiss attempt, I know he is not looking for conversation. It's bullshit. Now I am in this weird position at work and so is he. I'm mad, upset, and disappointed. It was so weird.

So anyway, now I'm at home and I've had some time to think. I'm definitely not even gonna hang out with him now. It's cruel b/c I havent had any guys I've liked lately, so it is tempting to hang out with someone whom I have at least some interest/common things etc with, but not for what he is. I have to realize that he is not like everyone else, and he might as well be gay or some ugly guy I don't like. Because thats what he is. And I would never be an adulteress...not unless it was "Romeo & Juliet" love that I would die for and give everything up for. And I hardly think it could even possibly be.
I'm not fuckin with this...and now I see he was probably never talking about "talking". Thats what reeled me in....because we do have intelligent philisophical conversations. I thought,"cool, we can chat at a bar sometime when everyone from work hangs out one night...no problem...." Like I thought he meant across the street and thats kinda the way he was tailoring it at first. But then he turned really fast, and it so freaked me out that he'd thought about it so much. It was worse than if he just thought of it based on emotion.

Fuck though. I think I have to get a new job. Not because of this really...I've already been looking, but this just makes me wanna excel the process. I probably have to see him a lot and it's gonna be so weird. Him staring at me, small glances.....weirdness...him freaking to hope I don't tell anyone what he did. Though I won't. But still....fuck.

all this, and I have to start my 2nd quarter tomorrow at art school.... fuck. I'm SO not ready for any of this. I think I have to see him at work 2moro night. fuck fuck fuck.

oh, and i'm tryin to start a fast 2moro...we'll see....