Dear Diary,

random updates...

i'm feelin so strange lately. I can't really sleep at night...always tossing and turning, fitful sleeps. It's cool once i finally fall asleep, but until then it's like my mind cannot shut itself off. Contemplating issues, debating theories, ideas, activities. It's like my mind is on overdrive..and I toss and turn as all these things run through my head when all my body wants is some rest.

Probably been going on for a week. I'm not really sure why.
I think I have to find a way to get back in touch with myself. I've been here at home after returning from nyc, and I just kinda conformed to this boring home lifestyle while I'm waiting on my house to get finished in Atl. And I just have been doin that auto-pilot thing. It happens to me when I can't find an outlet for myself, or am not around friends, or dont have the essential freedom I need.

On top of that, I met this guy who may or may not blow my mind. I'm like really nervous about this person. Have u ever met someone that was so interesting, so beyond the norm, and just someone u want to get to know really bad and share things with.
This guy, hes super intelligent, very philosophical, not your typical guy. Hes considerate, not into the norms of regular beauty(although hes still a guy),. but he just fascinates me. And I'm not sure why.
I'm tryin to figure out my relationship patterns as of late. Mostly, trying to figure out myself, and why I choose some guys I do.
I ended up gettin hurt by the last guy I sorta felt like this about, but I think it was my own fault. I let myself believe things that werent even true. Love is blind.
I idealized h im so much in my head, and overexaggerated his qualities, making excuses for me..so in my head, he was this perfect guy, but in reality he wasnt. He had so many wonderful qualities that I loved, unique qualities, hard-to find, but then he had issues and some issues were things I'd never settle for if I hadn't found someone with the other unique factors.
I idealized him, I fell fast and hard, too soon, and then it didn't work out. And somehow I knew it was going to end that way. I'm glad, because he had the potential to really damage me if it had continued in that way.

It's like, when I meet a guy I like, I go out of my way to be someone I'm not. Intensely study them, their likes/dislikes, almost like you might study for a big exam. I put a lot of effort into figuring them out, and then that sometimes affects my actions. I start changing my behavior to maybe synch up with them. Maybe read a book I know their interested in, although in reality, I'd never probably read it under other circumstances.
But I'm realizing this, and I know it's wrong. People should accept me for me, and I am worried that when I change like that, it makes things meet with doom before they begin anyway.
What u think you are doing as something good and thoughtful backfires? I'm not sure if it does, but it didn't work out for me last time.

So, I'm tryin to decide how to take on this new guy and my position. And really I am probablt thinking about it too much.
I just hate to screw stuff up. Last time, I really liked that guy, but I enjoyed his personality and experiences in life and i more wanted to learn from him and talk with him than sleep with him etc. Not like the two cant co-exisit, but I was more interested in what I could learn from this fascinating person.
So, maybe the relationship side ruined things.
I keep finding myself sleeping with people way too soon. Not that I mean too, but it just happens. You're hanging out for a few weeks, everything is cool, and then one night u two get really drunk, and then you're at each others houses like normal, and then bam...you're in a bed with a guy, and natural things occur.
It's bad, it makes me feel bad. Like why do I go on autt-pilot when I'm drunk and let shit like that happen?!? I used to not do that. Maybe too many boyfriends have screwed me up like that.
I think I havent had a really serious relationship in a long time. My other ones have been short-lived, or guys I didnt really care about. Or someone I just went out and did things with, and then partied/slept over with. I think I conditioned myself for that to happen...drinking-male-sex. It's awful really.

And I think stuff happened with me and that guy the other night, and I'm kinda pissed at myself beacause in reality, I didnt want to sleep with him at all. I wanted the relationship to be able to develop.
I mean, maybe we can move on, and kinda start over talking, going out, and not sleeping together. It happens too prematurely now-a-days anyway. But I dont kow if I can go back.
The guy, K, for now. Well, anyway, K is a respectful guy, and if any guy is capable of taking two steps back, it's probably him, but then I dont know. Guys dont usually like it if u do go further with them, and then suddenly change things.

Idk. I just want some time to get to know this guy and for him to get to know me. And I feel like I fucked things up some. And then again, I have to question myself. Do I really like him?, or am I serioiusly just fascinated with him as an interesting person? Sometimes, to me, theres no difference.
But I think I am realizing that I need a good emotional connection to really feel a relationship.

I woulda made a good stripper or hooker. lol I turn my feelings off, I've been doing it forever. I am in control so I don't get hurt. I control sex, I control boys, I control the status of a relationship. I like the power of control, but it's also the weak way out. I appear overly confident, strong, a heartbreaker if u will, but in reality I'm not that at all. I am, but I only act like that when I really care nothing about who I am with. I can let loose, I can be wild, I can do anything because I dont care what the other person thinks, or what happens, or how I am percieved. I dont have to think-i can just act.
And this is how I have been treating relationships. Only long-term relationships have forced me to give into some feeling, but people frequently dont feel as loved back from me, although I may feel it.

Where did this come from? Why am I so emotionally de-tached? Is getting hurt so bad?? It makes for excellent artistic inspiration.
IDK. I just dont wanna fuck this new thing up. This guy is unique, and I really dont know many people like him so I wanna keep him around for a while.
But i think I wanna just try and be me, and not try to be like him. I shouldnt have to go and study more Nietche just b/c hes into him, I shouldnt have to decode him so much that it is an almost obsession for me. Because when the air deflates out of the relationship, I've lost more.
I just dont wanna seem vapid ot him..I want him to be interested in me. But I think I'm realizing, that it's better for him to be interested me as is, because otherwise.......it wont last anyway b/c it'll be based on something I'm not.
Can a relationship last when u have so many differences if you are both open-minded? I cant agree with everything about him, but I don't disregard him because hes different. I dont know if longevity will happen, but thats not what I'm asking for. I just want him to really know me before he decides what is worth it or not.

I feel like the guy before...he didnt get to know me, I felt cheated. We had this great thing going( he even convinced me of so- it was stgorybook) and then it ended before it really got going. I felt like I was turned down unfairly. If he knew me, and he liked the tip of the iceburg, there was so much more. We broke it off because of a distance issue, but who knows if that was really it. He might be that kind of person. He falls fast and out again just as fast. And in the end hes only hurting himself.

I just dont wanna repeat mistakes. And I'm scared of this new guy because he is SO different, so interesting, and I could hang with him for a while. But then, hes SO unique, what if after all this emotional stimulation, I can;t like other guys. Hes so not like other guys....hed rather talk and debate over sex. He likes excellent music. He is just plain damn interesting and cute. And hes a mystery to me. I'm chasing him. But I dont know if is because I'm interested or after a challenge. I never like the normal nice guys anyway.

I need to figure myself out first or I will continue to have problems, but thats so much easier said than done. I want someone to figure me out for me...like I do for other people. I analyze people, to every last detail, notice the falter in their voice, the drop of their eyes, the slightest emotion. And I notice the details no one else sees. I feel like those are the things no one talks about, the things everyone wants someone to see, but they never do. And maybe it's because thats what I want so badly, but am I searching in vain?

i just might be.

well anyway, i'm going on vacation to Myrtle Beach tonight. Coming back on Sat...dont know when or if I'll see K again. We had some awkward aim convos(hes not good on aim/phone) So, I feel like that tainted things a little. But we did have a good time Fri, and he said we should do it again sometime. Dont know if that was fluff or not. Distance might be good for me. I need to stop these avalanche of thoughts.