Dear Diary,

soo.. my fast didnt go over well.
i hate it how i plan things out so much. I didnt go through with it mainly b/c i gave in sometimes, but mostly because of weekend plans. And I dont think its so smart to fast and then go eat and drink alcohol. It =sickness.
And u just gain all the weight back and its like u never even started.
BUT, it wasnt withough. I DID manage to restrict for the past 2 days. Not that its so great.
I keep swaying between trying this serious fast, or just doing th siberian diet which means eating low-cal and exercising.
I feel better about myself when dieting and exercising in a "somewhat" more healthy way. I just dont get this harrowing depression, loathing self-worth, and extremely emotional close to p.m.s. type feelings. I'm so out of control when fasting. I get so crazy and emotional at my family--especially around 'typical' dinner time. I just probably need to not be around them when they eat. It makes me mad at myself that I can't eat, and that I am doing all this and that I have to feel weird and not happy. Eating=happy to me, not just b/c of food, but I feel like I am normal. And when I can just go a day and eat normal (although i think about it emotionally later), I just can be happy.

So, I want to be a happy person obviously. I am about to go to this new college, get a new job, theres this boy who wants to go for a drink with me sometime. I just....can't be this unhappy girl. And the more and more I fast, the more unhappy, sullen, and withdrawn into my thoughts I become. It's so bad. Maybe I AM making excuses.
I don't know.

Part of me wants to do the other diet and be successful AND happy, but I just cant lose enough weight fast enough. And I cant put this guy on the backburner that..long. Idk. Argh. It frustrates me. I at least wanted to be closer to my old weight when I meet him. So at least, I can look 'close to skinny' rather than 'close to fat' IDK. I'm so messed up.
And then I'm thinkin..well confidence matters. Even if I cant lost it all by then. losing some will make me more happy and if I go in being all confident, he'll have to like me.
But then he'll think thats how I am. A confident fat girl! lol I'm sure he wont think that...well i hope he wont. IDK. I just want to be on the happier side of things. That used to be my personality, and with everything coming together...i really wanna be that again.

idk, we are going to work on my atl house just for the day tomorrow. Cleaning some stuff out and finishing painting the trim. So, it'll be all ready for the wood floors to be done. This guy is coming to look at them on Monday so it's cool..the timeline is moving along. I just hope the floor guy doesnt have a lot of previous appointments that will hinder him from coming anytime soon.

ooooh. rhiannia's S.O.S song just came on on my iTunes. Rock! I love rock music, but I like to dance...and this is the best! It's a happy dance song..it makes me wanna be out drinking, looking and feelin hot, shakin my groove thang!

I was supposed to go out with a friend tonight or tomorrow, but i dont know now. Im gonna be with the rents tomorrow and she was supposed to call today and didnt. So, I'm like 'fuck it'. She always flakes on me so I'm kinda pissed.
She told me THREE times she would call me this afternoon and let me know for sure. She repeated it and mentioned it, and then (what do u know) she didnt call or even text me. Shes such a flake. I knew it would happen like this too. It's only like the millionth time. If she wasnt such a fun cool friend when we do actually get togther, I'd say screw it.

anyway, i gotta put on some chill music and stop wantin to dance. I gotta go to bed to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to work on the house.

ciAo~