Dear Diary,

Sooo...

im feelin a little blue so i dont wanna rant about all the work we did in my supossive new house.

Basically, that old guy is the worst pack rat ever and he practically destroyed an otherwise nice house. So, anyway we painted every single upstairs room except the living room which is still cluttery.

And we ripped up the carpet, minus the living room.
So, what we have left is to finish painting, paint the trim, move all the junk downstairs or somethnig, MASSIVELY MASSIVELY clean like mad, and get the floors refinished and polished. Yeah. Lots of work.

I'm discouraged. My g'parents wont be back until June 13 so we are hoping to have some floor refinishing quotes by then. But still it takes like 2 or 3 days to sand everything then 2 coats of varnish stuff that has to dry for so many hours and then be recoated again. So, that has to dry and people or animals cant be around when it does.
So, by the way all this crap looks...i might be in 'my' house by the end of June. Can we say crap!?!?
I dont think I'm gonna be able to take June summer classes either.

They start on June 19th and I am still waiting on login information and stuff to be sent in the mail before I can even get advised. And then I have to submit transfer credit portfolios before then end of summer semester to get credit b/c thats the deadline.
So, I'd be so rushed, and I prob wouldnt have a place to live when classes start.
I dont wanna waste the time i could be taking classes, but I don;t wanna be thrown into things.

Okay, well let me be truthful, I still want to do some work for my portfolio (actually i need to coz some of my web design sites are down now and i gotta have proof) and I may not have a place to live, I wanted some chill time to get to know the neighborhood and hang out before classes start (i.e. find the grocerty store etc) and then finally...prob a main crappy reason: i feel too fat.

lol isn't that always the reason.
Actually, I was like really trying to meet this goal to be like okay with myself when I started this wonderful dream school. I wanted to be outgoing, meet new friends, happy with myself, rockin the fashion and smaller sizes I have in my closet. And i'm just not there. And I HAVE to make some new friends and I can't be all ana and reclusive! And that will be how I would be if I started like now.
I dont wanna be like that anymore, but i have to lose more weight to not be like that.
Or at least look like I want to. And even if my body image is never gonna be 'right', 20 lbs. less is 20lbs. less any way you put it and it always looks better!

So, whatever...i'm kinda bummed but rolling with the punches.
I'm not even going to this event this sat (Dfestival) b/c I KNOW some friends from h.s. are gonna be there who havent seen me in forever and definitely not since I went to nyc for a year so I just dont wanna deal with it. I wanted to look good for that and bring my lil dog to the festival, but I just cant go. And it depresses me coz it's one more thing I am avoiding b/c of my weight concerns. It frustrates me....i hate this!

So, I am fasting tomorrow and trying to keep it going through next week sometime if I can get through the weekend.
Starting tomorrow and I can get through friday, but the weekend is the hardest. We might go back and work on the house in which case my fam will be around and we will all eat together so idk...but i told my mom we didnt have to go this weekend, and I think we may not now.

But she wants me to go to that festival and shes gonna ask me why i dont wanna go and i think shes gonna know why kinda. Because previously, I wanted to go (a while back) so idk. At this point, I don't give a shit what my mom thinks i'm doing. I dont even care... I do need to lose weight and she knows I have been trying in the recent past so it's not like a huge deal. I told her i was gonna diet, but she kinda wanted to do this diet with me, but i'm fasting so i told her i was just eating healthy for now and would do the diet maybe next week or something.

whatever. i hardly am worried about that. i'm just like mad at myself. For not starting sooner, for eating the times i could have gotten out of, for not doing something sooner so i could go to this event and start school if it worked out. I really wanna fit in and work hard and enjoy school, and I can't be that reclusive ana e.d. girl I turn into sometimes!!! I just cant! So, idk...i gotta figure out a way to make this shit work.