Dear Diary,

so heres an REaL update....
so anyway, today was my last day of work at Douglas.
It was so sad. Well, the whole day went by like normal but it was hard to say goodbye.

But I just have to write this next thought down...it's been permeating my thoughts lately.
I just don't know how to explain...but this whole time in nyc..i have felt so disconnected. So out of touch with myself and my life and everything.
I really have been on some sort of auto-pilot for a long time now.
And even when I left today...i almost didn't even care. It wasnt that I was happy or even sad to leave...I felt nothing.
Weird. I know.
But it's just like....every day was the same for me...i never had a good or worse day hardly ever..but everything was the same. And these people got to know the "me" on "auto-pilot". It's strange, but it really is how it was.
They couldnt be completely sad for me to leave because I never really "let" them into my life or who I was. And the me that was there at work everyday was the me on auto-pilot..the me running only at my reserved. Me being overly calm, more organized, less controversional, and just worn down.
I just did everything....stopped thinking about time and my life and if i was happy or unhappy...i just ignored my feelings and thoughts and went to work day in day out.
I never got too happy or too sad and I never mentioned much of anything to anyone.
So, now I see why Dara said I was the most normal person she ever met. Which really to me seems like a bad thing..but i know she meant it in a good way.
It's because I was the most normal..I was broke down to the smallest forms of my personality...and that..well-it's pretty damn normal and anti-climatic.
And IT sucked if u want my opinion.

Life sucked for me here...and whether it was my lack of trying or the lack of chance of anything happening to me....I just didn't have good or bad to work with.

I don't even know what to feel right now. I feel so weird. Never felt like this before...like this weird emptiness and uncaring. I've always been such an emotional person and always in touch with my feelings. And now...I just don't care. It's weird for me.

I'm sad to leave the cool people I worked with, but i'm not gonna miss the going to work all the time...I'm looking forward to the freedom I never knew exsisted. The freedom to be somewhere in a safe place and be able to "decide" what u want to do with your life and each and every day that you have. Not having to worry about money and bills, and working every day, and wondering when you can fit any fun in your weekend, or how your going to get food or time for the grocery store/laundry. I just have been SO responsible over the last year...and I wasnt even prepared for it.
All of a sudden I was the "organized" "mature" person...and that was NEVER ever me in the past.
It was such a weird state to be in...and then I just gave up feeling sad or unhappy about it and just went on day after day.
I can only imagine it's what happens to a wild animal once they are trapped in teh zoo for so long...your spirit gets broken. Or to everyday people who get caught in a 24/7 job they hate because they have to make ends meet.
Thats what this was becoming to me....and I could never ever live that way. I knew that before. Thats why I have so much trouble picking a career...I can;t make the wrong decison. But...I knew that, but then got into that lifestyle on accident by coming here to nyc and the cost of living being so high.

And now...I feel like numb. Disbelief that this "zobby-like" lifestyle is over for me after so long. And then I feel confused that my life is just gonna go back to being the same.
But now I'm realizing, I may go back to my parents house (like i was before moving to nyc 10 months ago), and I may lay out on my dock at the lake, sleep late, and work on artwork....exactly like before.. BUT.....
I am not the same person anymore. I realize that even though I think it's weird to see myself doing those same old things, I am beginning to understand that it's not gonna be the same old me afterall.
I've really changed. And I don't know how to say what it is that has changed, but I just have.
And i dont know if it's for better or worse yet. Maybe I wont be able to say until later in the future.
But I know I'm not gonna be the same girl laying on the dock tryin to get a hot tan. It's not that same girl.

Things are so weird right now..i am in such a state of disillusionment of what is really going on around me. Leaving this job I have been doing for so many days, weeks, months.....going back to this world i used to know and trying to carve back out my path in life. I'm excited to "feel" again. I have been drunk wandering, staggering along...and now..i feel such anticipation and nervousness to be back in a position where i can once again do what i want to do, be who i wanna be, feel how i wanna feel...where i matter again. It's huge. And I'm so philisophical lately...varying between highs and lows of leaving the city as the sum of the experience for me, and leaving the city how it remains in the fantastical idea that is"new york city". I feel like leaving it is so bad..but then my time here has been so negative for me....but then i think of the magnitude of the idea of what new york is as a pop culture symbol and i feel bad or guilty for leaving. It's like pinp pong in my head...happy to get back to a better life...sad to leave "nyc"...which is better, which is bad, am i gonna regret this, am i gonna be better for it, will i be just as unhappy stuck at home, well when i have this free time-what am i gonna do with it?, will i waste it?, will i be happy not in nyc, would it matter where i was?, are things gonna change, what decisions should i make to go towards my right path to be happy and successful, is nyc gonna help/hurt those chances AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! endless questions rotating in my head.... and i either contemplate them in heavy moments...or i ignore them completely and do something completely mindless b/c I want to avoid the conclusions until I am somewhere beyone my control. but either way....i can't deny this creeping feeling of happiness that i am not even controlling... just in the idea of leaving, my parents coming, etc....this huge sense of relief that i have not personally manufactured is just taking over me...and thats why i know this decison is right. I've just let the dice roll...and i feel it's thr right decison even if i cant explain it, and even if i feel like it's bad to leave nyc and the opportunities... I just think it's what is right for me now...and i hope i really have changed and am not that stupid scared girl looking to change her life laying out tryin to get a tan. I guess...I'm just not so jaded anymore... I think ultimately I've accomplished more than I even can comprehend. I'm not scared anymore...and it's not just because of obvious reasons...but for the everyday chances i took...the things i've seen... Everything. I know what it's like to do something and see how easy it can become your life. It's so important to pick the right things for yourself or take chances on them no matter what they are. Even if it's something completely unconventional. Sure, I feel like country life is gonna drive me insane when I feel like I am once again stuck in nowheresville with no opportunities...BUT the one factor that has changed....is my awareness that those opportunities ARE out there. So what...you are in nowheresville....you can get out of there in one 16 hour drive and a u-haul trailor when the time is right. So i guess... I guess I have more hope now. Like...if I go home and get myself together and work on things i really love, if i want, the opportunities are out there and i can get to them. So...i'm not scared anymore...i don't think it's quite as impossible. Because things are possible...and it's less about your want, and your desire, and your passion, and more about making it happen simply. Like builidng blocks or the numbers to a theory....you have to do those things, and things happen. You have to have the passion and desire later to keep your steam, but it's less about that in the beginning. Anyone can be anything...on a small and large scale, but it's more simple to get there than you think, but then it's important to have that drive when u get there. idk...i guess i have just learned so much more than i thought...and maybe i'll keep rebounding with these things as days go on....maybe nyc will keep rolling over me...and i will keep feeling it's radiating effects. Maybe I can go back to my home, and still retain the goodness from nyc without actually living in the mess. lol, we shall see......