Dear Diary,

Seriously. 9 days til I move from nyc to Ga. Crazy, and I didnt pack shit today.
I spent all day downloading music, coz it was my last chance borrowing my roomates computer to download. I got so many kickass songs...i totally love Goldfrapp, the Faint, the Sounds, and the new Yeah Yeah Yeah's cd. They are ahmazing!

Goldfrapp is like pure confidence and sex. It makes me wanna strip-dance, and have my platinum blonde hair pulled back, and nothing but black kohl eyeliner and lashes for miles....
Music makes me so happy...i wish i could sing better...i'd totally be a musician...in a heart beat. I just LOVE music so much...i think it's the best thing ever. Ya know when everyone always asks u that question about what sense u would give up if u had to.
Well, sight is obviously the one everyone wants to keep, but i'd def rather keep sound. I can see the colors in my mind, and I would absolutely die to never hear music again. And u have already seen stuff so u know what things look like...
It's hard to argue, but thats just how much i love music. It's the best form of art.

But anyway, holy crap..i am moving in 9 days. It's so surreal!
I feel unprepared, but I am ready to be swept away.
I am hooked on the 4 strings-"take me away" Only because it plays sometimes at work, and I downloaded it. It's a metaphor for my feelings. "Take me away...a million miles away from here.."
I hate how my entries make it sound like i am so down on nyc. Cause I'm really not. But in my position right now, I really want my normal life back. And seriously nyc is fun as crap, but u come live in brooklyn in a 3rd floor walk up without a dishwasher, or washer and dryer, and no a/c or real heat...and around hispanic and polish people and then let me know how you feel about the comforities of life.
It's cool because this is all how new york is....a conglomerate of strange people all mixed together. So most of the time i dont care, but then when I'm in the laudry mat and no one looks like me, speaks english, or has any bright clothing like I do...it just kinda makes me feel a little out of place. And someone stole my detergant the other day...it was such crap. I'm glad i didnt leave that day..I thought about puttin my things in the dryer and leavin them to come back coz we did that once. I'm glad I didnt though, that spanish bitch woulda probably stole my clothes too. I think I know who it was too, but I couldnt prove it. She had her kid runnin around and all, and this covered wheel thing and didnt even speak english. Luckily, it wasnt full, but still.

But then i was thinkin the other day....yeah, maybe i am going away from the world of nyc and being a minority as a white girl of non-hispanic origin...but i'm also relocating back into white suburbia where abercrombie and fitch girls and guys run rampant. ick...so am i really gettin an even trade? hmm, idk.
It sucks...i like the guys in nyc, although there are WAY too many gay hot indy rock guys here. I'm like, oh hes way hot, and then hes probably gay.
Thats one thing I dont have to worry about in the south...guys dont suddenly decide to just be gay one day. Or at least not as often as nyc.
Seriously, it's a problem here..i know at least a few girls who have had or know of a guy they dated that "one day" turned gay. My asst. manager's husband went gay and they divorced. How weird?!? We dont have that as much in the south. I mean, I'm sure theres some macho football players gettin it on and denying it like hell all brokeback mountain style, but ya know....most dont totally go gay.
I just feel like dating a guy in nyc would also mean watching him around other guys b/c theres a really high chance he "was" or "has been" with a guy and is gay or formerly gay. And ya know...that shit just ain't cool. It's not like girls doing it just to do it for attention. Girls and girls and we'll always be girly girls so unless u date a butch lesbo, you'll never really get into the real deal lesbian stuff.
But for guys...idk. I just would worry about that unless i dated a super macho guy from somewhere other than nyc. And i'm not kiddin....from just bein here almost a year, I have seen so many gay guys, formerly gay guys, and i went out with that one bi-sexual guy who was trying to rationalize him liking boys. He was tryin to explain it to me...all like, "yeah, this cute young guy at the bar was kinda eyein me, so i smiled at him back...he was kinda cute..etc" I must've had the craziest look on my face during that story..lol I was 2 seconds from hurling, and he totally lost any potential chance with me in that statement. I tried to get over it and just enjoy the company, he even followed us home and we had a super steamy makeout, but even me being shit-faced drunk....I was just not interested in him sexually at all.
I couldn't even touch it. lol I kept thinking about his lil story. eww... It was over for me and i knew it so we just went to sleep, and ate lunch the next day (he wouldnt go home!-i think he was still hopin), but it was over. There was no chemical attraction at all after that story.

Anyway, back to moving...im excited, nervous, sad to leave, weirded out that things will change, worried i am leaving great nyc possibilities, happy to be normal again and enjoy life and home comforts, and sad to leave my job and tell everyone goodbye so soon.
whew...lots in one sentence.
I feel bad..my co-workers just found out recently, and then one day i am just gonna be gone. I know it's not a big deal, but I dont wanna feel like I am just disappering on them. One of my good friends from work just went to workin 3 days a week instead of 4, and i never even see her anymore but 1 day a week coz they usually have her on as part-time on the weekends. I'm prob gonna see her just twice before I really leave. It's so weird.
But I am accepting, and I'm glad I made this decision a while back.

At first, I was wavering and wasnt gonna leave til maybe may if at all. I was afraid to leave...it was so hard to get here. But my parents were super accepting and jumped at any hint in my voice that i might leave. And it was a relief. I'm thankful that they were so understanding. And i didnt make the decison fast..it was like over 2 months... It was rough..i hate not knowing what you are gonna do or where u will be. I hate that limbo.
But now, I feel like things are moving in a good direction, and i hope they get even better with every single day. No more monotonous days...wake up, work, sleep, etc... I can now direct my life, and that freedom is so beautiful. I never even knew how important that freedom was.

But anyway, I gotta wrap it up, get to bed to work 11-8 tomorrow....
goodnight!~