Dear Diary,

wow...two days in a row...whats goin on.

Actually, the last post bothered me..it was so rushed and i think it really killed the dramatic effect of all the events. I guess u cant have something big happen in your life, and then write about it in a rush 6 months later and expect it to still carry over with the same magnitude.
So really, I should update more and more often.
And I think I just really felt like talking or thinking things out tonight, but didnt really have anyone to direct those thoughts too. I coulda called a few people, but you know how it is when you just wanna talk.....kinda just to hear yourself talk. I could call my mom, or my friend Amanda, or Brent, or my sister, or talk to K, but I really dont have a specific reason to talk....i just felt like talking. But I still just held off on it. I've bugged my mom too much lately...and she always lets me call just to talk about nothing really, but i just am trying not to bother her right now.
I'm so ansy about the moving stuff, and I talk to her 24/7 as it is...any more calling should only be saved for important stuff.

But anyway...work sucked today. I mean, it was okay, but time and customers were CrAwLiNg...
Fabian found out I was leaving... And it's weird b/c I'm just kinda disappearing. And I guess it's because this whole time in my life is weird for me.
I've worked these last 6 months pretty much on auto-pilot.... Lived numb and emotion-less here in nyc. Wake up, get ready, go to work, come home, sleep, day off=laundry, tv, extra sleep, then back to work, back to sleep recycle, repeat, rinse, repeat..

Somehow I lived this way for this long. Almost 9 months. I did nothing fun, I couldnt muster up my creativity, i didnt paint, didnt write, didnt reflect outside, didnt really read, didnt laugh, didnt really smile, never left a friends house, never met a new love/friend. I was void. Empty. Emotionless.
And i hated every minute of it..and nothing but pain came to me when I tried to fix things. Trouble and disappointment.
So, I just did every day...on repeat. And I hate life like that. And any time I get like that, I always (in the past) would break out of it no matter what it took. To me, life like that isn't worth living. But I guess I just didnt have other options, and I knew leaving might be not too far away....a light in the dark.
But I have never lived my life so devoid like that for so long. I always have to break it up even if it meant sacrificing things or spending money. I would "MAKE" something happen for myself. But I couldnt do that here...I didnt have a person to call, or time to break out some artwork, or beautiful scenery to reflect in, or family to fall back on...
And I just was like a walking zombie.

I feel like I seriously wasted a year of my life. Like I shoulda just said, "okay, God, here is a year of my life, I'm obviously not gonna use it, so here it is."
I mean, lol, but really. Even thought I was fucked up and unhappy before I left, I at least coulda stayed in school and screwed up more and been unhappy in a cheaper apartment...lol But NOoo...I had to come see just how unhappy unhappy could be here in nyc with sky high rent and a full-time job where i had no friends, and no time to even function or do anything if i wanted to.
lol
I did learn some things, but damn...I coulda learned those lessons an easier way and MUCH faster than 10 months a million miles away from home.

And then at times I am so surreal...I cant believe my parents are "coming to get me" in a week 1/2. And I say "coming to get me" because I feel like they are...I feel like I am being saved and rescued. I am pretty desperate and I feel like I've been left at summer camp for WAAAAYYYY too long.
And then I hate saying stuff like that because it's not really new york. It's not the city. It's MY experience in the city at this time in my life. People have fun, get lucky, get discovered, become into their own, and have lots of good experiences here in the city. And I know they do, but unfortunately it didn't happen like that to me.
I see ways it could have, but it didn't. And I just think it is not my time. Really, I see how it wasn't. If I was gonna plan to come here really and do it the right way, I would finished my degree so I could at least get a better higher paying job to support myself and have a better life. I woulda researched more, and tried to get a job in advance. So many different things I should have done, but no...i'm so hard-headed. I had to get out..i was tired of my life there, and any place was the answer for me. Just so long as I was getting to leave.
So I pushed my way through and made plans, and prodded and got my way here to nyc. Then...had no plans when I got here. The internship didnt work out b/c I had to get a full-time job to pay rent.
But looking back, would I have done it different?
hmmm...probably not. I needed to get out....i desperately needed it, and even though going so far away and to such a place as nyc was not the best idea...i still think it will all work out in the end. A cheaper closer place woulda been better, but ya know.....whatever. I dont like to live too much in the past.

And everyone at work...they are SO much older than me, yet I AM the responsible one. It freaks me out. They were gonna make me a key holder and let me count the money every night after like 3 months of working there b/c they thought I was the next best responsible person, and the next person to trust OVER the other 29, 34, and 30 year olds that worked there! Two of them for longer than me!!
WTF!?!? And I wsa almost gonna do it (more $$), until I knew i might be leaving. I didnt wanna train for it, and then leave them hanging for a key holder/closer/opener.
But wtf?!?! And 20 year olds, and 22 year olds would come into the store and they'd comment on them, and then say well...'they are supposed to do stuff like that..they are still so young.'
And I'm standing there too, and I feel like screaming..."Fuckin I"M 22!!!!!" Not that they care, i know they know how old I am, but I think they forget coz they think I'm so damn mature. And I'm just like..'when did my life get like this?!?!?' When the hell did I become such a responsible adult that these people trust me to open and close their store and handle their freakin money?@?@ I'm f-in 2-damn2! I feel like I lost my twenties in these past 10 months.
And yeah, I need to go back and get serious about school, and I'm ready to be, but then part of me wants to freakin wild it all out. I just dont wanna be old yet! I've always been way way mature than other people my age, but wtf....I STILL am 22! And I don't wanna lose my age, and I'm not ready to do all that adult shit. Sure, I can. And I'm intelligent enough, and I can handle it all, but do I want to be stuck with that right now...no. Hell no. Because once u start doing it, you don't ever get to stop. And we all know that. It's how it is. More responsibility comes with more responsibility.

So, screw that. I dont wanna be stupid and screw up my life, but I wanna be a 22 year old. (whatever that means..lol)

But ya know...Amanda will party with me and all in Atlanta. But I'm just like....with these past nightmares of drinking and all that...I'm kinda afraid. Bad shit does sometimes happen when u drink, but it never really did to me much before this year in nyc. So, IDK. I wanna let loose and have fun, and not stress, and meet random people(not like sexually), but just be open and friendly to everyone...to not let stress and too much thought get in the way. I wanna take random road trips, and do what I want when I want to. I dont wanna be tied down to anything...unless i wanna be. I dont wanna have to worry about anything at all.
I wanna live free and wild and fun, and still be moving forward.
But I NEED to get some fun and freedom out. I've been trapped these 10 months...all bottled up....I HAVE to have some FUN!!!!
So, I dont know how that will fit into my life in Georgia, but I gotta find a good way. I dont wanna be stupid, and I want to take school seriously, but I also wanna make time for fun and have it all fit in.
So thats my goal, i guess. I'm not ready to be all super adult and do a million different responsibilities, and never do anything but work and sleep, and hello/goodbye to ur boyfriend or friend, dog whatever... I NEED F-U-N! lol

And I am happy in this moment b/c I am seriously going to bust my ass when I get home to get in shape. I'm gonna work out every day, do the Siberian diet, lay out at the lake, and work on my art and portfolio, and prepare myself mentally. I'm gonna be ready to take over when I move to Atlanta and go to school. Think Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde going to Law school...lyrics: 'better watch out goin for the knockout, i won't give up til i get whats mine...'
I want that girl power and to be back in charge of my body, my mind, my life. I dont wanna be numb, and void, and just dragged through my own life.
Our lifes are so short...i have to make the most of it. And maybe these past 10 months have also made me realize how precious those days and weeks of life are, and how easy it is to get off track and waste them just having to pay debts to live.
I'm so supercharged to get into everything.
And Im sSOOSOSO excited my parents are rescuing me...im so thankful.