Dear Diary,

Okay, after reading my last just a few minutes ago entry, and some of the previous ones...it inspired me to write more. I enjoy reading about what happened in the past...I forgot I wrote some things down so it inspires me.
And I honestly think if I wrote more, It would probably make me feel better. Just to get things out and sort them out in your mind.
I'll do a brief recap on a few things u have to know about my time here in nyc.

So basically, things went downhill after those last entries...more and more weekends, I was left alone ditched yet again by my roomate and former friend K. Her brother and fam came to visit and we went out a few times, but then it seemed...I would be happy to get out of the house, but then once drunk..could not contain my distraughtness over how she treated me. She would put so much pressure on me to talk to guys and "meet people" when we went out which was like once every 2 months. So, first of all...my tolerance was super low, I was depressed and emotional as hell, and I had never even been to any of the bars we went to. It was too much pressure just to walk up to a guy and start chatting. And we frequently didnt make it to a bar until late like 12 or 1am, and by then everyone is drunk and just tryin to take people home. How was I gonna meet some one in a bar after 1 am that was going to want to be my best friend and/or boyfriend in one night?!?! It was too much pressure, and I was already so depressed..alcohol just ballooned my emotions and I was a big massive wreck. No way was I gonna be my best person talking to any-one! If anything, I was an accident wating to happen..and what was worse was that I knew it. I was so emotional and unstable and desperately needing a friend or someone or something so I could not get hurt and try to depend on K anymore. She obviously wasnt my friend anymore.
But it was too much...and of course..the enevitable happened.

New Years Eve. I hadnt drank in over 3 or 4 months...or if so only a drink or 2. Still highly emotional, but looking forward to a fun nyc new years. We paid $100 each to go to this hip club were drinks were paid for, the big screen, celebrity host, etc, etc...hip club in manhattan...the whole deal.
Well...of course...here came the car wreck...me...free drinks...socially awkward, drinking too much to feel better....and then flash...in the vip suite with some guy..drinking free absolut and champagne...flash>makeout session....flash>me flagging down cab drivers in the actual street almost getting hit by cars...too drunk...out of control..blurry vision...
Then............................
I wake up the next day....open my eyes...and wonder if my jacket and purse made it home with me.
Then shit. I realize I am naked...?? Then
I realize I am not alone. and it's just bad....
it's so bad...this austrian guy...pretty much 'raped' me...and then again in the morning when i was in shock.
I couldnt speak...i couldnt breathe...he had to be like...i can hardly say..but he was def between 35-50... It was so awful...i didnt know him or who he was or anything...and K had said earlier that wasnt the guy she pushed me to dance with...it was so awful...
and i blame myself...i was so violatile...in such a bad position already....
then i tried to get out of it...talk to the guy, get him away asap...we went to breakfast just so i could get him out of my apt. and it was so awful...and then finally he left....
of course he was into me...but i was just trying to keep things light and get away as soon as possible..
and then of course shame, and more emotions..

It was the single most worst moment in my life..being already so low and at the bottom of the barrel and then having something like that happen...i hated myself for being so stupid...for going out at all...when i knew i was in such a bad state

but anyway, i try to forget it and move on and not make any more stupid mistakes....
and later i told k about it because it bothered me for 2-3 weeks afterward...i didnt eat, i couldnt sleep....i was wrecked with the horrid thoughts, but thankful i couldnt remember anything...maybe he slipped me a drug, and if so..i was almost glad...if i had remembered the details i would probably be worse off playing them over in my mind...ehhh
But K was so shitty. She basically was like 'well, yeah, so what, it has happened to me to before...balh blah blah' And I knew it had to her, but still....i needed comfort and support..not...so what, no big deal, it happened to me too. So shitty...all she thinks about is her problems...and no one elses are ever legitamite b/c hers are "worse". Stupid.

anyway, so whatever...i tried to move on..of course it's still there and now its with me and part of me that it happened, but i just never wanna be like that again.
So basically I didnt drink for a long time after that.
I went out with this gay guy later on, and we had a fun night out...i drank only beer and made sure i only had a certain amount.

Then the next time we went out...I had a bad encounter with one of K's boyfriends friends...apartment make-out craziness, and then he freaked out that his sister would come home and it was a mess too.
Then...the very last time i went out...was to this big huge famous club in nyc to see a very famous DJ perform. I wanted to go to this big club before I left, and it was the only thing I asked K to do for me...and of course....more catastrophe...
I blacked out b/c I hadnt drank in over 4 or 5 months...and we had so many red bull and vodkas...I totally blacked out thoughj. Threw up and was laying on the bathroom floor....thinking this was the end. It was the worst sick drunk I have ever been in my whole life...(and i've been drunk a whole lot since 15) But it was bad...I was so beyond...I have a brief memory of sitting on the bathroom floor, a spanish lady yelling at me..and me just thinking it was it for me...i couldnt go on any more. It was over for me. I couldnt move, i couldnt respond, i couldnt think...it was like, life was over for me then, and I believed it.

Of course I was blackout drunk, but I remember those thoughts, and just like in your dreams....when u are drunk like that, you believe your emotions. It was like I was just giving up...the night i was excited about turned into more bad stuff...and it was it for me...all the emotion and everything...i was tired of trying. And in my overly emotional blackout drunkeness...I think I just gave up on life and hoped it was the end and maybe theyd call my parents and someone would save me and get me out of this black hole and everything.... It was so extreme then. I was so drunk...part blacking out, part dreams, part alcohol induced... I was in another world...spanish being yelled at me..water in my face.. but i couldnt respond and i was giving up.

K thought I went home and freakin LEFT the bar!! Eventually they called her from my phone and said someone would have to come pick me up or they were sending me to the hospital.
Eventually she came back, they put me in a cab. I looked like a nightmare. K used my money for the cab, but i can't knock her coz at least she came back. Apparantly, I was really apologetic and nice to the people who helped me. I think even in my drunkeness, I knew that my fun night had gone so horribly wrong, and on teh verge of giving up, these bar workers helped me and made sure I was safe at least. Apparantly, I asked the one ladys name and kept thinking her and she thought it was funny.
So maybe it wasnt as bad as it was to me in my brief flashbacks or rememberance. But to me it was bad...I am so greatful to those workers. It's such a huge club though...they have over 300 people working at the bar so I'm sure they deal with sick drunk girls every night. But I was so happy to have been safe and not stuck with some guy or something... It could have been a lot worse.
But I just hated that feeling when I was drunk.
The giving up feeling.
It was the end of the world for me lying on that floor. I couldnt take any more disappointments on top of the only night i decided to go out being ruined as well.
And I just hated who I was and what had happened. It was like I was plagued for bad luck.
I've drank and went out a million times at various colleges and towns and cities and have never ever had such visceral and emotion expereinces as the ones in nyc. I've always been happy, laid-back and into having fun...never overdoing it...always holding my own and in control.
But I think b/c I had lost control in real life, while drinking, I had even less control..and it showed. It came out emotionally, and combined with too much alcohol...physically impaired me.
These were the worst events of my life this year in nyc.

And after all this...I still began praying and reading, and just trying to figure out where my life, path, and career should go.
And after all of it, I decided NYC wasnt for me. At least not right now in my life.

All these bad things happpened before I actually moved to nyc, and I feel like they were almost warning signs that I ignored. Then I came here, and the job search was so hard and grueling and depressing, and the stuff with K, the falling out of our friendship, the 'rape' (still hard for me to say or write), the drunken emotional outbursts, the giving up, the disappointment, the lack of happiness, etc, etc..etc
Nothing but bad things happened to me here....and it is certainly weird. Because in my whole life, in 21 years...nothing equal to the bad that has happened to me in nyc has EVER happened! Nothing of any of those equal values has EVER happened ONCE in 21 years!! So how come I come to nyc and a million horrible things start plaguing me one after a terrorizing other...getting worse every month... Emotionally, physically...
I think God is telling me to get the hell out of here! And i think I'm finally like "OKAY!!" anything to get away from all this heartbreak and hurt, and disappointment. I am finally at a place where I would do anything.
And I think that has made me closer to God. I was so lost...and I did turn to him...and things have gotten better for me emotionally. I'm still not happy, but I'm not one step away from falling off the cliff or anything. I'm better, but I still don't know the directions I need to go in. But I do feel like nyc is not the place for me right now, and God does not want me to be here. I believe that if it was supposed to work out, then things could have happened to me for the better. I could have met one really cool hip friend or boy that wanted to show me around the city, but instead I met no one, or people who I obviously didnt like enough to sacrifice hanging out with just to not be lonely.

I think things could have worked out more if they were meant to be, but the fact that they went so horribly, completely, and almost comically wrong...has got to mean something.
And whatever...I'm going with my gut...and I'm leaving. And I dont know if Atlanta and back to the south is going to help anything for me, but I know it cant hurt anything, and it feels like a much safer bet than staying here for more ridiculouslly huge drama and pain.

So basically, I'm takin a chance to move back, and I am only hoping it is the right direction. And I am trying to work with God more and at least find my right path. It's hard, but I HAVE to figure it out.
I WILL NOT move to another place like nyc w/o consulting God and everyone around me for advice and everything to see if it is really right for me. I do not want another catastrophe like this trip turned out to be.
And surely there were fun things in nyc, and some happy and cool times, but let me tell u...the bad totally outnumbered the good! Just the weight of the bad in itself would outweigh any good...

so i still dont know whats gonna happen with me...but i just have to get back strong mentally and physically. Go back to my roots, sharpen my confidence, get healthy, read some books, think and meditate on my career path, and get focused. I dont wanna flounder around anymore...I'm serious about getting serious, but I still have to find the right path.
And i definitely know what the wrong path can do to you...so i am hardcore about finding the right answer.

i hope things get better for me...and i hope i find the things i am looking for...and i hope i never see the bad things that nyc gave to me....i learned a whole lot, and i did have some fun, but overall....as far as new york city is concerned.....

"it's a nice place to visit, but i wouldnt want to live there"