Dear Diary,

i'm so freakin unhappy here.
i hate new york.

this place...idk...it's killing me, yet i can't decide if leaving would really ever be the right decison or help me out with all my problems. A location is afterall, just a location...but then there are so many things i miss, and so many things that are SO much harder, dirtier, more expensive, and sad here in the city.

i hate my friend kim...and hate is such a strong word, but she is killing my insides. I can't believe i can hurt more. She is such a terrible friend. She has ruined everything for me here as a friend.
Shes never there for me, she ignores me, and she chooses her stupid new boyfriend guy over me when she just met him and knows hes gonna leave her soon.
i'm so freakin frustrated...i feel like crying.
It's friday night and i have no plans and nothing to do. It's so sad and pathetic and SO not me at all. I have been reduced to a state i am not familiar in.
I'm a social person..if i had plans, I would go out almost every night of the week.
But I don't know anyone here, and now that i might be leaving, i don't even want to. I just wanna get away from here as fast as i can.
And i want my stupid "friend" to kiss my freakin ass! She has done such unspeakable things to me here...i could never even begin.

I am totally alone here, and she ignores it, doenst even try to go hang out and do stuff with me... She just choses that guy,

and here it is...one more ridiculous Friday night and i was "hoping" she might wanna do something. But she went straight from work to long island and prob wont be back all weekend. AND she knows i dont know anyone here, and she acts like nothing..like i have something to do. Like Im not gonna just sit here all night alone....freakin killing myself with self-analyziation, and thoughts of pain for getting out of here!
She ignores it...
and then i said something about going out, and going tonight because tomorrow it is supposed to be a big snow storm. And shes all like 'okay, if u hear about somethnig fun, let me know"
Uh, HELLO!? HOW am I gonna HEAR about something fun?!?! First of all this is NYC! There are a million trillion things going on on ANY given Friday night to do. And I don't KNOW anyone to freakin hear about ANYthing!!!! It's like so horrible. So of course i gave her attitude..like what does she mean. And she picks up on it and ignores more..which makes me wanna walk out the door tonight and tell her to fuckin find a new roomate to pay the rent and deal with it!!!
And then she says to call her boyfriends phone if i 'still' wanna do something later. And then i'm still a little attitude coz i'm like "what do u mean?' "later?" and she acts like it wasnt a stupid question...because i was telling her then i wanted to do soemthing but she was blowing it off....and calling later means we prob wont do anything. So Fuck it. I am not Calling her. And i am so mad, and I have nothing to even do with this anger and frustration but cry. IT's so horrible. She knows i don't know anyone, she knows i never do anything but come home and go to work. She knows i dont talk to ANYone besides the people i work with, so what the hell does she think i am gonna do alone all weekend. I mean, how can u not know that if u are supposed to be someones best friend, AND u live with them!?!? And its not like i havent been out and tried whenever we do go out, but she has never even attempted to go out with me for us to meet new friends. It's so ridiculous. She won't go out and even see the city with me, or go do fun things or anything. She knows it hurts me, i've seriously told her how i felt and how she never even tries to go out with me to help me get accaquinted to the neighborhood or meet people. I mean, screw it if she only wants to know one guy in the whole damn city, but she could at least attempt (every 6 months) to help me meet people. And i say 6 months sarcastically. coz it's literally been that long. She chose this stranger over me, and now it's like i dont exsist. I am so stuck. I can't wander the streets alone, but she won't go out with me, and I can't meet anyone if I never leave my stupid crappy apt!! I hate this. I have never felt so trapped in my whole life.

I feel like taking a massive amount of sleeping pills or alcohol and just ending the day right now....
Not that tomorrow is any better, but then i don't have to deal with the pain tonight and revel in this hurt and frustration. My pain is turning to hate for her. She doesnt even try anymore. I havent been out with her ALONE since August when we first came here.
ANd like i really wanna tag along with a couple and go out with them...and i'm so resentful at her...i dont even wanna be around her at all. Shes a by-product of my need to go out and meet people...a toxic piece of lint that must be around.
It's seriously gotten so bad...she is murdering our friendship of over 10 years... And i can not believe someone would be so inconsiderate like this. I just cannot believe it, and it's like she knows it. I've told her, we've fought over it, she KNOWS how I feel, but she just continues to do the same things and doesnt even care.

and im so numb...and i just wanna get away from here.
I just dont know how I can finish the rest of my time here before i planned to leave.
i just dont know if i can do it... how many weekends like this can i deal with before i explode....
it's so hard to be stong or have any hope...