Dear Diary,

BLAHHHHH.....

SO brief update of things. Work is going, and going, and just well.....going. Full-time sucks ass. Seriously.

I have no time to do ANYthing!! It gives me great respect for my parents and my mom. Working so long every week and then still coming home and making time for us kids. And I never felt like she just wasn't there or anything. She always helped with projects or took us swimming or to basketball practices.

But anyway, I am working around 40 hours a week and sometimes a day on the weekend, but often I have weekends off. Still though, I don't have an extra second to do anything. I never feel like doing anything on my days off but sleeping and bumming out. I have often slept for like 12-13 hours the next day when I had a day off.
And it sucks b/c I wanna always take Maya to the park or make up for the time I haven't been around for her. But I am so tired, and it's getting so cold outside!!
Plus, Idk. I'm feeling really lonely lately.
My roomate K. She sucks. She is like the most boy-crazy girl ever, and always has been but she used to be able to balance friends AnD guys. But now, she has that stupid job where she works ALL the time, really late, and now she has taken up with this meat-head guy from Long Island that works with her.
Hes cute and all, and I'm kinda for it. Anything to get her away from the asshole australian guy who treated her like shit and took advantage of her.
But still....with that guy AND her job, she is never here. But yet she leaves her dog here for me to take care of. So then, I can't go out and do anything because I know the dogs have been holding it to go to the bathroom for like 11 hours!!! I couldn't feel anything but guilty if I did go out and do anything.
So I have been ultra pissed at her lately. But its like it doesn't even matter. Shes not here enough for me to even BE pissed off at her!!

She has to know something is up, I've been real short with her and pretty much tried to ignore her as much as possible. Yet she KEEPS telling me about her shit and her stupid problems! I'm not listening, or talking back, and she STILL keeps talking. And why should I have to hear her crap when she NEVER asks me anything!

Anyway, so she is all off with this guy all the time, never does the dishes, or takes the trash, or cleans the house yet she junks it up something awful just coming and going. And then when she IS here, it's with that guy. Which really doesnt count coz I can't even talk to her when hes around. And they just drink beer together and have sex or whatever and go to work at 6am the next day together. They are freakin attached at the hip!!

So then tonight, she went to this halloween party with him. I wanted to do something cool for Halloween, but now it's like I don't have a friend or a partyin buddy here in nyc. Shes all stuck up his ass so she'll never go to any unique bars or parties that I wanna go to. Shes always trying to go places where we can "meet up" with them. Like HELLO! Fuckin get your own life!?!? Do we have to do EVERYTHING with your stupid people from work.

Speaking of, she was the dumbass who put her car in the boss guys garage in New Jersey so she wouldn't keep having to move it on the street every night. But those guys living there drive her car around all the time whenver they want. And she knew it, but wouldn't say anything. And then guess what??? Buddy crashed her car the other day, gave her $300.00 to get it out of the impound, and jetted off to Puerto Rico for business. So she had to spend 2 days trying to get it out and now it's all busted up on the front. She was going to try and sell it too. So that was totally stupid, and I hate to say i told u so ya know. We all told her not to let them use her car like that.

So anyway, the people i work with aren't really people I could go out with. Theres this gay guy and although hes totally cool and chill, and in some scenes we could party togethr, but hes um...a little too out there for me. As in, he just got his hair cut just like a womans and he apparantly is Victoria when hes a woman. So, um...i dont think I wanna go out with him and then him be all cross-dresser on me or whatever. Yeh. Thats just not gonna work.

Then theres this latin girl who is wild immature, has a kid, and is all about sex with different guys and smoking pot. Shes a loudmouthed bitch though. Really aggressive and bossy. I'm sure she is fun to party with if she likes you, but shes totally bitchy even at work.
Shes like one of those people that if I met on the street, I'd definitely not like her. She cusses all the time, says stuff in the store I have never heard people talk about OUT loud in front or around a boss and is just wild. To think she has a child blows my mind!?!? What a poor kid!! Between all her partying and jet-setting off with random guys, I bet that kid is so neglected. That or she dumps it off on her parents. So, she would be my best bet, but I just think I'd have an awful time hanging out with her. Shes so pretentious and rude.

Then theres a black chick more my age, but she is divorced and has 3 kids. Shes totally hip and cool though, but shes a young mother and shes not into the partying scene.
Theres this other beautiful polish chick that works there to, but we never get to talk much and I just think she probably isn't much of a partier. Shes not like a citizen of the U.S. so I dont know how long shes even been here. I highly doubt shes ready to hit the hardcore party scene with me. We can hardly understand each other..her with the polish accent and broken english, and me with the southern drawl.

So work isn't offering much up for me which sucks.

So, it's the weekend of Halloween with great parties, and I'm at home--again. My alcohol tolerance is going to be ridiculouslly embarassing the next time I ever do get to go out. I'm totally losing my alcohol prowess.
It sucks. I wanna experience the fun nyc nightlife. I hear about so many fun events, some artsy so i need someone totally open or artsy too to go out with.

But anyway, I tried the Siberian Diet for a week, but before it was over, I weighed in after like 3-4 days and nothing was happening. I have no time to fit in the hour of exercise a day, and it is WAY tOO cold to walk around outside for an hour. I get home at like 8:45pm some nights and then have to get up at 6:30am. So I have NO time to work out, much less drink a WHOLE gallon of water a day. I barely got the food stuff together to eat for each day, and I had to bring stuff to work or change the diet around so I could bring something to work to eat.

So, I abandoned it. I was eating AND it wasnt working, so that was pissing me off. Feelin like I was wasting time. So, I am going back to fasting. I feel the need to do it. I have even "wanted" to do it while I was doing the diet. I'm working ALL the time, so I have no time to eat anyway. It's perfect. I won't be sitting at home all day around food. And I've been so broke lately, I can't afford to eat lunch at work anyway. It's like $10.00 every time I eat in Grand Central.

So, tomorrow I have to work from 11-6 so I am going to start the fast tomorrow. Nothing but water, and I am determined to get past day 4. I am going to try and drink water ALL the time to stay hydrated and just take vitamins and maybe the Phentermine at first to not be hungry.
I think I can do it though. I have no social pre-arranged engagements, and no social prospects of going out. My roomate is NEVER here to see me eat or not eat or eat with me. I work like 9 hours a day, theres no time to think about eating.
So, I hope it goes well. I HAVE to lose weight before it gets cold, and fasting is faster weight loss. I can make up for lost time on the Siberian Diet.
And I am just feeling crummy. Lonely and fat. I just wanna do something about it. And fasting does temporarily give you that sense of control over your body. And the feeling of lightness and self-control. And if the pounds come off, thats even better.

I just hope I don't get sick, or feel really awful at work, or pass out. That would be really bad. I might get some (in-case of emergency) crackers or something and leave them at work. I can't be getting totally sick there. But I stand all day so it could be bad, but maybe not. It's not totally strenuous work, just a long time of standing on your feet all day.

Anyway, I gotta get to bed. Dont forget to turn back clocks today..
Aww...it makes me so sad to not be out partying on this night. I love it when you are out partyin, and then you get that extra hour that the bar stays open. :(

One day I'll be thinner, more confident, and happier, and then I'll meet a hot guy who can be my nyc partyin partner, or just a kickass chick.

whatever.

i'll dream to that...i need to meet some people in nyc soon!!!!!!