Dear Diary,

i hate my parents right now. They are so pissing me off.

I hung up on my mom like Saturday and didn't talk to her since when previously we've been talking about every day. She was giving me crap about not calling this job lady back when I had already called her that day AND the day before and left messages. She started relating it to me personally and saying sarcastic biting comments about how i was just gonna let it pass me by like other stuff, blah blah blah...

i was SOSOSO pissed. I mean, I already called the lady and left 2 MESSAGES, thats the only way to get in touch with her, what the hell else am i supposed to do.

So anyway, I had a lot of information to share, and I decided to call tonight at 5pm. My dad answered and then got all pissed cause i didnt get in touch with the girl.
I called her friday, left message. Called Saturday, left message, Called Sunday, left message, didnt call monday, then called today and left another message.
And he started bitching at me. Like even though I didn't really like the job, and the girl obviously isn't calling me back, I am supposed to do more.

It just seriously upsets me. I can never just get a sympathetic ear,or kind answer. Nothing is good enough. And they wonder why i have low self-esteem.
Well fuck them.
I am SO pissed. And my dad gets so upset and mad about all this stuff, but he doesn't even know whats been going on, and he doesnt even listen before he starts yelling.
It's like they seriously don't care.
Really. Everytime I have a serious problem, they ignore it. Who cares if I am unhappy, if I hate the job, or if I drink alcohol to drown my sorrows, or dont eat for days, or abuse drugs. They don't care. And even if I told them, they would say, "why the hell r u doing that, you're stupid, you're gonna mess up what you have!!"

all the while, i am so unhappy, i don't like what i do have. They just don't care until the problem comes up, and then it's always MY fault.
Even the few times I've reached out, it's like they ignore me, and blame my problems on myself. Like oh, it's something else I'm not doing.

I was depressed last fall, and I called my mom and she heard my voice and knew something was wrong and she asked and she came to my apartment that evening to talk with me. And that was great, but then no one else ever said anything about it. It was like it never happened, but dammit it DID happen. No one ever asked how I was doing, or if I felt better, or tried to be supportive, it was back to the old critique, yell at them way of life.

And thats probably why i have an e.d A long time ago, I thought I was fat and I wanted to lose weight as like a 8 year old. And my mom TOLD me to starve myself. Seriously. She was sarcastic about my sincere approach for help, and she told me to "just go starve yourself" And it was like mean.
I went to her as an 8 year old with all this concern, and I'd be harboring all these feelings about my weight, image, and self-esteem, and then I go to her. (and i even wrote her a letter coz i couldnt even tell her to her face) and she still just ignored my plea for help, and told me to starve myself if i didnt wanna be fat, stop eating!

I was shocked then--even as an 8 year old. I knew that was not the way normal mothers reacted. I expected concern and general help and instead it felt like I got confirmation that I was, indeed fat, and that I should just starve myself.
I never recovered from that day, I remember it like it was yesterday.
And then like every time I really have a problem, no one wants to deal with it. But why live in such a fantasy world?!? No one is REAL.
I'm really hurting, and they just ignore it because they can't deal with it. And the more I am not around them, the less they notice or even think about it.

And when I had the depression, no one cared, I didn't get any more support from them.

And then I "think" I told them about me going to therapy at my college by the suggestion of my thearpist. And they like pretty much ignored that too. Like it was too much for them to think they might have done something wrong, or not given me enough love.
I told them that I did really have a problem, and went to get help, and the people there thought I DID need help so I wasnt just making it up. And they like tried to ignore it, they never mentioned it. And instead of feeling relieved and like I got something of my chest and got support, I felt worse. I felt like I had failed them now. Because God forbid, I'm not perfect or pretending to be like they are!!

And they do that with everything, even now through this, where I am unhappy. I get no support but criticism. What will it take to make them see?!?

Seriously. Sometimes I feel like I'd have to die or commit suicide for them to actually deal with the fact that I am unhappy or have problems, or need things they haven't given me. They don't try to understand, and I keep reaching out. And I get nothing back. And as long as I pretend nothing is wrong with me, they think life is 100% perfect.

But I don't wanna live life that way. If you are unhappy, tell someone, figure it out, get help. Don't pretend like it's nothing and it will go away. It won't.
But my parents don't feel that way. They ignore everything. And it has to do with my dad, hes SO unhappy in his job and has been for years and years, but he'd have to come to grip with his own feelings first before they'd acknowledge anyone elses.
And the worst thing in the world, the worst feeling, is to tell someone you care your deepest feelings that you've been holding back, and have them ignore them like they are nothing. To move on and live life like you never said anything.
That-to me, is the worst thing humanly possible.
Please never do that to anyone, even if it is boyfriend troubles, etc. Everyone has different things that are important to them, and when you see someone pouring their heart out, make sure and listen, and acknowledge their feelings.

So, thats just it.
And this fuels my desire to have anorexia. It's the only pain I can wear on the outside that they will have to see. They can't ignore it. They can't move on and forget it happend, it can't be like words that only stain the mind for a short while.

They have to notice that, and know something is behind it.
I'm just afraid I'll get there, and they'll blame it on me again. But in any case, I'll be thin, which is always better than fat.

And I have to work on not caring about them. I mean, maybe I didn't have enough love and affection and positive support from my parents, but I can work on things to get it from other places. And to make sure I never make the same mistakes with my kids. And I swear to you, I will not.
This strong black girl in my group was overly confident, but it was because she had a strong grandmother and mother who always always supported her and told her she was wonderful no matter what. She ended up becoming too confident by it all, and then in turn, too demanding and bossy, but still...she had the exact opposite problem as me. And I saw it plain as day. I totally didn't have what she had. No one reaffirmed my views of myself....maybe i was fat, maybe not, maybe i was smart, maybe not, maybe i was talented, maybe not..... And when you are 8 years old, you just don't know the answers to those questions. And if no one ever gives them to you, how do you ever 'really' know?? How do you know you are smart, talented, beautiful, and healthy?? How do you know? You try and pick it up along the way, but if you are always questioning it, and never getting any answers, you always don't know. And that me. I still don't really know. I think I do, but I don't. I try to know to get me by in life, but all I really need is the affirmation, the attention, the love, the support....someone to really notice me for who i am. And it's not really for the notriety or attention, it's just to feel complete. To calm the questions that have lingered in my mind since I was little.

But I don't ever get the answers. And I shouldn't look for it from other people, I know that. But I just can't trust my own judgement enough. I could be wrong??! and thats scary.....and therefore, I don't take chances to find out. I'm afraid I might get the wrong answers, and that will crush my fragile self even more. I have enough criticism, and more from other people would kill me. So I avoid situations I can be criticized in, but then I also miss out on a lot of opportunities because I never get to test my limits, or build my self-confidence.

and after pouring all this out after one bad conversation with my parents....i must say...this has got to be the most honest and intuitive entry I have ever writted about myself. And I should def keep it if I have to explain things in the future.

anyway, besides all that
I've had 640 calories today, that phone call made me upset and unhappy so im prob just gonna watch tv until i can go to bed, and life still sucks. One job lady called me back, but I couldn't get in touch with her either. I might try calling back in a minute, but I left her a message and shes not as flaky as that other lady.

anyway, i gotta get a job..
oh, and i applied to be a flight attendant today....weird huh. I thought about it, and it is exciting and a job i could get.
Idk. I don't really care though, it's a big application process so if they call me they do, if they don't, they don't. I'll worry about my options if they call.
Besides you can do it for 3 months, or 6 months, or a year and quit, but by then I will have seen a million cool places, went on the best vacations, and partied with friend who can fly free all over the country. All while making more than most full-time jobs. You also get like 15+ days off a month, and you can do whatever you wanna do and fly anytime you want to.
IDK. Theres pros and cons, but I'll deal with them more in dept later. I think it'd be fun and challenging and way cool while you are young. Maybe I can meet a rich, super hot pilot...lol
I'd only wanna do it for a short while, but really, they suggest it for college students or recent college grads. And you can do it for a year and quit, it's just like any other regular job. People think of flight attendants as that career for like, but many people do it just for a short while for the travel and fun it provides.
We'll see....lol it'd piss my parents off too...
but anyway....im gonna go try to catch seinfeld and maybe call that lady back...and try to cheer myself up a little from the crappy phone call with my parents.