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�2004*Blondiegrl24*

i've been down so long, it can't be longer still, been down so long, i know the end must be drawing near...,
Sunday, Oct. 02, 2005 // 2:06 A.M.

Dear Diary,


bleh.
So my roomate came home at 4am with this guy she just made this huge rant about how she didn't like etc etc... but then i heard a male voice when they came home drunk at 4am. It could have been this other guy friend, but I knew it was probably the other guy.

And for some reason I was pissed at her. I don't know. I've thought about it, and I think it's just because I am jealous, annoyed, and mad at her inconsiderateness lately.
I shouldn't even care. I should have my own life to worry about and not even think about what she does or doesn't do. But thats just it, I don't. I don't have my own life going on right now.
I'm still like just breathing.
I can;t wait to get things going though.

My roomate just never comes home, always goes out and does things. Comes in, changes and is back at the door spending money on going out and taxis whenever she feels like it. Which would be fine, except she was just complaining to me about having zero money. She complains about that guy and not having any time to do anything, and then how tired she is, but she is always doing something with work people even when it isn't mandatory.
I feel like telling her to quit complaining about shit she does on her own decision.

I'm just tired of having to listen to it all, when she doesn't have a clue whats going on with me. She doesn't even know if I have an interview or don't, or if I get a job or don't.
I think, if I do get one soon, I'm just gonna not mention it. Shes never here, and if she doesn't ask?!? I know it's childless. But I'm just really annoyed at her. Shes just not a very good friend. She never thinks of anyone but herself, she comes to complain to me about things but never listens to me whan I talk or asks me about me. Even when I try, she'll like start doing something else like make food, or walk in the other room... Like totally rude. Obviously I don't have your divided attention when you do that. I don't treat people like that though. And I am just tired of having to give so much more than I get back. It's exausting.

So, I'm gonna try and do my own thing as much as possible and try to ignore her. Or atleast if she feels like ranting about how she slept with that guy from work but shouldn't have blah blah blah....i'll just not comment back or ask questions. She can know how it feels to not have someones full attention or considerateness to listen.
I know it's all stupid and trivial, but I'm so annoyed about it. Shes not even here long enough for me to discuss it with her, and I'm not gonna pretend like I care anymore. Not when she doesn't ask a thing about my day, or whats going on with me-ever.

Anyway, enough about that.
I only ate a granoloa bar and some milk today, until my roomate made some chicken and she made enough for both of us. It was grilled chicken, and this potato stuffing mix. So I had that, and then some special k cereal later.
Overall, I am thinking it was totally under 1000 calories. I don't know how many cals were in dinner though. I did go to the park today with maya though, and then my roomate and i shot a basketball around a little bit while we were there, so maybe I worked out a few 100 cals in the whole trip.

So, I wanna fast tomorrow. Food is gettin slim around here so I don't think it'll be a problem. The only thing I have is like ramen noodles and chicken noodle soup, and tuna. None of which I really like all that much, or crave at any point in my life. So, that should be no problem as far as cravings go.

Supposively, a relative of my roomates is coming this Thursday. She just told me today. Crazy! It's like her grandmother or something, and she is flying to new york just to visit. But that means food. She might take us out to eat, and she said she would cook some things that we could re-heat and eat during the week before she leaves.
It's really sweet, but I'm not really looking forward to it.
What if I don't have a job by then??? I'm gonna be stuck here in the apartment with her grandma all day?!? That freaks me out.
So I'm feelin weird about that.
Plus, if I get a successful fast going (i.e. past 4 days) I don't wanna break it.

I don't know. It's crazy.

And I called the manager for the cosmetics line I freelanced with from Friday again today. I left her a message Friday night when I got home from working. Then I called her today around 4pm b/c I never heard from her.
It really bums me out. I thought I had that job no matter what. And I think I would have it if that girl would get back to me.
She practically hired me on the spot, but asked me to come in and freelance for a couple of hours (paid) and see how I liked it and how they liked me.
But she didn't even show up. Like I said in the previous entry, the full-time girl was the only one there with me.
And we tried calling the manager lady while we were working, but she never got back to us.

So, anyway, regardless of whether she wants to hire me or not, she needs to get back with me to get information to at least pay me for the day I did work.
I don't know what the deal is. And my mom was giving me crap about calling her back asap. I wanted to wait til Sat afternoon to give her a chance to check her messages and call me back.
But I had to end up leaving another message.

But seriously, what is her problem?? Does she wanna hire new people or not?!? She could at least acknowledge my messages and call me back for a brief convo.
I was thinking that would work out, and I might even be working today (Saturday). I need to work as soon as possible. But I guess that lady just isn;t with it or doens't care about filling a position asap.
She did seem sorta flaky, but still.

So now I'm feelin low again. Like I have to re-start the masive job search all over again for the 3rd time now. I did the massive search, got that temp retail shitty job, quit that, and then searched and got all those cosmetic interviews, then If this stuff doesn't work out, I have to start all over again.
It's enough to make me wanna give up on everything.

Like seriously, I have never in my life had to deal with this much adversity. It's almost as if I'd been in nyc before, and someone slandered my reputation all around the city. "you'll never work in theis town again"
I mean, really, it's like something like that happened! Of course, it couldn't have, I don't even know any one in new york really. But still. I've never had this much trouble looking for a job--EVER in my whole life. I have a long work background, I was the only one working in my class while still in highschool. I wanted extra money, and it was a fun job. I didn't have to work, my parents always paid for everything, but I enjoyed it, and it gave me tons more spending money.

But for some reason, nyc hates me. And I'm beginning to seriously lose all hope. Like maybe I can't do this. And that would hurt so much.
Theres no way in hell I can go back to college at the place I went. Everyone thinks I went to nyc to do an internship. And that didnt work out. So then if I went back, I have nothing to tell or show for my time spent here.
Wasted time. Wasted 2 (summer/fall) semesters that I could have been working towards my degree.
And then I'll never get to come back after that. My parents will think I'm crazy. They'll never move all my stuff back up here again. It's too long a drive, and they are getting older. I can't ask them to sacrifice that again.
I'd have to come home with nothing, sell all my furniture because I could never afford to being it back to ga. And the shame. The shame of going back because I wasn't able to cut it in new york, or that no one wanted to hire me. That shame is enough to make someone wanna commit suicide.
I couldn't take something like that.

I was already unhappy there, and to go back....ah..things wouldn't be the same. My friends have made new friends, younger students are moving in. I'd have to start a new major, and deal with the people and things I didn't really finish when I left in a whirlwind.
I couldn't do it. I'd feel like such a complete failure.

And with no where to go. Nothing I'm interested in is there.
I love art, and fashion, and modeling, and the nightlife, and glamour. The university I went to there is hardly the prepping grounds for something like that. In fact, there are no schools with a huge fashion program, not a decent repuutable one.

I'd be stuck doing something I don't really like just to get a degree, and then I still wouldn't get hired.

And my parents would never really want me to come back to nyc. And how many times can you fail before you have no more hope.
Something has to happen....I cannot go one more month like this. If I don't get a job by October, I seriously don't know.
I mean, seriously. I can't handle that.

They might have to ship me off to a mental ward b/c I could not deal with going back, and going home to my parents house. omg. I could not handle that. There is nothing in my town.

And theres my roomate and friend here. I couldn't leave her without another roomate, and I'd have to sell all my stuff.
And I have so much college left, it's not like I could sublease my room (furnished) out because I would have at least 2 years or maybe a lil less of college left.
I mean, subleasing for that long hardly seems viable. And I definitely couldn't afford paying around $950 a month for my apt in new york, AND another apartment in Georgia. No f-in way.

Life seriously sucks.
I hate this. I don't know how much more I can handle, and like seriously, I have suicidal thoughts all the time b/c I just wanna escape this pain. This pain of never finding what I'm good at, never being able to have the guts or doing anything I love, and just failing. Taking these big chances and failing so miserabley.
But I'm not one to kill myself. I could never do it. I don't believe in it, and hope and optimism will always course through my veins although there is only so much left right now. But I don't know what else to do...I have nothing. I have a place to live, food and water, and an amazing little dog, and a family that loves me, and I am thankful for all that. But what is life if you have no purpose? If you get up every morning just because your body naturally wakes you.

Nothing to look forward to, no plans, no promises, no opportunities, just disappointment. It's enought o break my spirit, and it is...slowly and slowly more ever day.

I really cannot be here at the end of october still jobless. I mean, I really can't. I'll die if that happens! I'll have to give up if that happens. I can't go with 3 months of intense job searching, I mean thats ridiculous. Who looks that long and doesn't find anythng?!?!? I mean, even a bum off the street could get some job in 3 months?!?!?!!!!!

I feel so bad, and unconfident, and worthless and stupid. Like I took a chance and made a mistake. Like there is nothing out there for me.
Like I am still this stupid little girl who always knew what she liked and loved, and thought life would be full of adventures and promises for me, but now it's nothing like that. It's painful, and disappointing, and heart-breaking. There is nothing for me, and no excitement. And now I am in such a state that I couldn't find excitement even if it was in front of me in high or low doses.

I need someone to help me to love me, to tell me everything is going to be alright. But after 3 months, how can I believe it anymore. How can I keep believing something is going to work out?!?
Thats a good chunk out of my life, and I have to suffer for that long.


oh...i don't know. I'm just do tired of not being happy. It's been a long time, and I keep trying to feel better and keep getting let down. I'm really running out of gas. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

I just feel so hopeless....and so desolate. And I don't know how it's all going to ever turn around enough to help me enough to be happy. I'm so far away from it now.

I'm tired of writing sad entries, and lonely adjectives. I wanna write in here because I am happy or excited. But I don;t know if things are gonna change. Normally, I would believe they would, but it's been so long....so long....

and that reminds me of these Jewel lyrics so i am posting them here...

"I've been down so long
Ooh, it can't be longer still
We've been down so long
That the end must be drawing near
I take a trip, I catch a train, I catch a plane
I got a ticket in my hand
And then a man takes my money
And like cattle we all stand
But we've been down so long
Ooh, it can't be longer still
We've been down so long
The end must be . . .
I know the end must be. . .
Oh, I know the end must be drawing near"









The WeatherPixie

FADE // SPARKLE

I�m finding out that cheating gets it faster