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�2004*Blondiegrl24*

at home on a friday night listening to cranberries.....that about says it all
Friday, Sept. 30, 2005 // 10:27 P.M.

Dear Diary,


I'm feelin low. The Cranberries cd is rotating in my cd player. I don't know.
Life is just not good right now, and though things are like a roller coaster, up and down, I just can't seem to find a plateau of rest.

I went to the interview at Bloomingdales today but got lost trying to find it. So then I was late, and the job trial for the other cosmetics job started at 1:00. And it was like 12:15 when I got to Bloomingdales, then I had to fill out some stuff on a computer before the actual interview. I was in a massive hurry so although it was great my information was saved because I worked for a previous company that owns Bloomingdales, I didn't bother to finish or update my new resume b/c It would take too long, and they probably wouldnt care anyway. An extra hostess job, and one month of reception.

Anyway, then I had to wait forever on this girl who was coming in 5 min, but didn't for more like 35 minutes! I excused myself to go to the bathroom while waiting to atempt to make some kind of contact to my job trial at 1:00. They really just wanted me to come in and try working for a little while so I didn't think it really mattered when those hours were. I mean, of course I wanted to not be late and honor the time we set, but I was caught up in this interview and already late. So, I did what I could. I got my mom to look up the phone number on the internet b/c I didn't have it on me, and I had to rush back down b/c the guy said the girl would be there any minute.

I rushed for nothing. I waited forever to get a crappy 1st interview with some twenty-year old gay guy from the Denim Department. Puh-lease.
He pretty much was the pass-by interview guy. Just to make sure you weren't some bum off the street. What a waste. I could've jeopardized my whole other job opportunity for that crappy interview. It went okay, but the gay guy was a little weird so it made me a bit uncomfortable, plus I was all anxious about the other job and if I was dooming myself by being there at all.

So then I rushed back to the subway to hop on the RW and hike it up to 34th st. I finally got there, and luckily my mom did call the full-time girl at the counter and inform her I would be late.
Turns out the manager lady didn't even come today?!? WTF?!? I'm supposed to have a job trial, and get taught how to do things, and see if I am good at it, and the lady who is supposed to judge thess things isn't even there?!?
It was weird. And their full-time girl is like the only full-timer so she is always there. But from the way she talks, the manager lady is never ever there. So shes always on her own doing whatever she likes selling, not selling, whatever, because no one is in charge of her while she is there.
It's so weird. Especially coming from my environment with CLINIQUE. We had sales goals, and rules, and jobs to do for the day. Plus, there was actual training.

And this counter needs help, and to be brought from being at the bottom to the top. Yet they don't train new employees?!? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why they aren't doing to well in that store.
They are basically a trendy cosmetics line that usually caters to celebrities and is used on movie sets and tv shows. They don't have a lot of skin products or foundations and powders, but they are more of a fun add-on to whatever else you might use. They have good, deep, triple pigmented color, flavored thick shiny lip glosses, excellent bronzer, and the best selling fda approved lip plumper on the market.

But they aren't getting the word out. People don't know who they are or much about the cosmetics line. It's a great line, but the noteriety isn't there. They need more media coverage, a better placed counter, or bigger signs and more advertisement, and better trained help.

Anyway, so that girl didn't even come at all today. And the other full-time girl, her name is Sarah. We tried calling the manager all day, but couldn't track her down. So like she never even talked to me. Not about how long to stay or how I would get paid or if I should come back, or if I have the job, etc. Crazy!? Such disorganization.
Shes not enthusiastic about trying to help the counter and hire educated people so why should potential employees be excited about selling the fledgling line of cosmetics?!?? I was excited about it, but now I see there is now help from the managers or information. So it's one of "those" kinda of counters. And thats why they always fail, or don't do as well. You have to train people right, and not accept less than outstanding work. But no employee if left completely alone with no direction or incentive is going to totally sell the roof out. I mean, c'mon. You get paid hourly. And it was hard today trying to pull people to get interested in the line. I don't really like doing that, I mean, not that I can't. But I like it better when people come to you with questions or a make-over appt etc like it was at CLINIQUE.

Anyway, I called and left the manager lady a message when I got home at 8pm about the day. It was brief, but I think I got cut off at the end, her message thing was super short. So hopefully, she'll care less about how I like the job just like she cares less about being there. Because fuck it. I need a job. Even if it one that is less than wonderful with crappy disfunctional management. And at $14.oo hr, I don't care if they do leave me alone with no knowledge all day.

Of course, I will try to help the place out though. It's my nature. I can't be a part of something that just totally stinks. I'm too optimistic and positive for that. So basically, I'm either going to just turn myself into a selling machine for my own profits, or do nothing. And doing nothing full-time 24/7 sounds boring to me. Might as well challenge myself and try to get something out of that 3% commission.

So anyway, I hope they want me to work. I need to. I am so broke. And theres this guy I am supposed to meet up with, yet I don't know him very well at all. And I want to have a lot of money whenever we meet up just in case things turn out bad, or we split dinner, or go drink. I mean, odds are, if he is a decent cool guy, he'll pay for me at least this first time. But I can't go and meet him depending on that. Like with zero money.

And thats what I have right now until I get paid from either that other brief job or for the day I worked today. It's so sad and pathetic, but my rent is skyhigh. Seriously. My rent is $1700.oo a month!!!! no shit!

So yeah, you know I'm not kidding when I can fast coz I actually don't have any real food to eat, or how I can't do my laundry for weeks, or can't go out and drink and have fun, or buy a card for the subway.

It totally sucks. So I NEED this job, even if I can't take it after a while. I need it to get going. I owe my roomate money from our first rent, and for the electric bill, and then I need money to actually have a life. Like to maybe not be stuck at home like I am tonight.

That guy is probably never gonna talk to me again. I keep kinda puttin him off, but it's because I wanted to meet him one night when we are out drinking so it's no pressure. We can hang out longer and talk if we want to, but we can also go off with friends and split if we don't hit it off. And I'm not alone meeting him. But alas, I have no money for drinking and partying and the cab ride home.
Manhattan is SO expensive to go out. At least $20+ bucks if you are going out, and then you gotta factor in a taxi.

So, I;m depressed. Depressed coz what if I don't get that job?? I have bills coming up soon. And I'm missing meeting up with that guy tonight.
My roomate went out to this club where you pay $50.oo at the door, and it goes to the Red Cross, but then you can drink as much as you want from 11-1am. Thats cool, but I definitely don't have $50 to spend on a night out, even if it is for a good cause. I don't think my roomate does either, but she went anyway, and didn't even ask me to go. I know she knows I don't have money for it, and she doesn't wanna pay 50 more for me to go. I don't blame her, thats $100 just for drinking one night.
And it could be a sucky place too.

But now I am home on a friday night, stuck with the dogs again, listening to the cranberries, going through an old e.d diet diary and feelin shitty.

I didn't eat anything but a granola bar....until...i ate at McDonalds in Manhattan after my work trial. I had to change shoes somewhere to get on the subway, and I chose a shitty place. I ended up eating there since I hadn't eaten anything but the granola bar all day, and it was a good place to change shoes. I had on massive high heels, and they were NOT good for subway walking as much as I had to go through. Changing to 3 trains.

Anyway, so thats all I've had all day, and then a glass of milk.
I feel like putting a temporary end to my misery and taking some tylenol pm, but then I only have one bottle left. I like to save it for when I am fasting because thats when you really need it to fall asleep. Otherwise, I am up all night.

Life stinks right now though. I mean, it was even worse than this, but now it's like things are in reach and I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel, but them just maybe, maybe,.......maybe it's just a reflection, or a glint of glass, and not really the end of the tunnel at all. And that makes me sad.

That and the fact I can't seem to fast lately. And have no money for the special diet food. Thats gonna be the first thing I buy though. If I can at least lose some weight, that will make me feel better.
According to that e.d diet diary, the siberian diet does totally work. I lost 7 lbs on it in one week, and I even had an ice cream binge on one day, although i was perfect the other 6 days, and I STILL lost the 7 lbs. So I can't wait to try it again. It worked, and I kept it off for over a month or more until I started back college and eating and drinking poorly.

anyway, im so bored, and i feel so rejected being at home on a friday night.

It's one thing to make a choice to stay in and pamper youself on a fri or sat night, but it's another to be stuck there because you don't have any other options or money.

i feel so shitty. i dont know what I'm gonna do tonight to improve the mood. watch a movie maybe, but none of them are dark enough for me right now. Or at least sorta sappy. I have like Blow, and happy girl sex and the city movies, and more drug movies, and stupid comedies. I need like a awesome independant flick or something. Something intellectual to get my mind off of my own problems.

idk.

today feels wasted, but i hope it wasnt
anyway, maybe i will feel better tomorrow.









The WeatherPixie

FADE // SPARKLE

I�m finding out that cheating gets it faster