Dear Diary,

Well...
I can't seem to get a good grasp on this fast. I keep ending up restricting only.
I would just do the other siberian diet, but I can't afford all the food for it just yet. But it would actually be a better lifestyle change, and I could eat throughout the day.

Anyway, I bought some groceries and some low-cal jello, fat- free cool whip, some diet snacks, special k bars, etc, all everything mostly under 100 cals. But then I ended up wanting to taste all the new stuff I bought. Bleh. I'd never had the special k bars, or the low-cal chocolate cookie things I bought. So I HAD to taste them, and then ya know....if you eat so many, it adds up, even if they are all under 100 calories.

So anyway, today i had half a cup of 1% milk and the special K bar for 150 calories total.

It's only 1:30pm though. I have another job interview for this cosmetics place at 4:00. I hope the lady tells me how much the pay is though.

I went back to the same dept store I used to work at and they pretty much offered me the job depending on how I do on Friday. I am supposed to come in from 1-4pm and work for a few hours(paid), and see how it goes.
I think it'll go well though. And the pay is freakin phenomenal! All these other receptionist jobs, salon front desk positions, retail sales, etc pay crap here in nyc. Like between $7-12.00 an hour at most!
Corporate receptionist get paid $15.oo an hr, but it's hard to get those jobs without a lot of experience.
Anyway, so the cosmetics job at my old employer is going to pay me $14.oo an hr for full-time plus 3% commission. Sweet! I'm gonna like have money now. : ) Or more than just my rent money.
So, I'm really happy about that. Thats really good pay according to the job market around here.

So I am hoping the interview today goes well, and maybe they pay more, but I kinda doubt they will. Thats such good pay, plus benefits, employee discounts etc.
But if they do pay more, it's gonna be a dilemia. Sometimes employers don't tell u the pay in the interview though, and it's a little faux pas to ask before they offer you the job. But maybe she'll tell me.

Anyway, whatever happens, I hope I get a job by the end of this week. And at my last job, we got paid every week so I hope it's the same. That way I will get paid on the Friday of my first week working. And I definitely need the money. Then I could buy the groceries, and do other things and actually have a life! It's so crappy job searching.

Anyway, I hope something works out between these interviews. I also have an interview with Bloomingdale's SoHo Friday, so that could be really great too. So we'll see, but it's nice to have all these options.

Anyway, ugh....i like want to eat something else. I'm not like way hungry, but I just feel like I should. Idk. I guess, along with having a normal life and having routine, it makes me wanna eat. Eating makes me feel normal. Because it IS normal I guess. But it makes me feel like I am okay and nothing is wrong with me, although it doesn't help you lose weight.

I've been so depressed and unhappy lately though. And now this week, I have been better off. I got that one job, and even though I hated it, it still gave me a confidence boost, and then I have all these interviews scheduled for this week. So I went in yesterday with a fun, outgoing attitude because it wasn't my only hope, and I was qualified for the job. And I think it made a difference in my impression.
But eating makes me feel happy and normal. Like everything is okay. Like I am a normal person in the population and can do normal things like eating. But then I have such a disorder about it. I can eat and be happy, but then at the end of the day, when I look at the scale, it's bad. I feel guilty and unhappy and mad at myself for wasting a perfectly good day to lose weight.

But then I don't know if I'll ever feel totally normal about what goes in my body.

Ugh. well I might eat the cookies I have in the pantry, it'll only be 150 to 200 more calories if I do. And then they'll be gone and I can't eat whats not there. I need energy for the interview right. lol
I just need to make some money, and buy stuff for the siberian diet. I get to eat on that diet and lose weight. Maybe I cna figure out how to pay for some of the food now. Like at least for 5-7 days worth of the diet. That'd be 7 lbs. lost at the end of the week if I could do it.
Although, I'm worried about alcohol consuption with the diet, but theres no way I can never ever drink on the diet. I mean, it's gonna happen. I can go a few weekends without going out, but ya know, it's my twenties and I'm in the party capital of the world. It's gonna happen.

anyway, i gotta finish getting ready. I just got another call from a hair salon for an interview, but I'm hesitant about calling them back b/c I just know they won't pay anything near $14.00 an hour. Not based on all the salon front desk ads. Hmm.... Wonder if I should make more appointments?? But then I'd have to cancel them all if I do take the job on Friday?? ahh.....?
who knows...I'll figure something out.

anyway, hope the rest of everyone elses day goes well. and wish me luck on my interviews....

peace out~