Dear Diary,

ahh...i think i'm goin crazy.

I am STILL jobless. WTF??!?
NYC is like a tough job market. I think there are just so many applicants and so many people to choose from, and if your not like 100% excellent for a position, then they won't choose you.

It sucks.

I'm like goin through waves. I was super depressed, then I went to some really cool job interviews and got some callbacks for Vera Wang, and this kick ass spa job at the top of Bergdorfs, which would have included all FREE spa services, 50% of spa products, and 30% discount at Bergdorfs!! Insane, and the job was hella easy. It was like last Thursday so they could still callback, but I'm not feelin so optimistic.

I hate this. I have so much job experience! I've worked in retail, as a hostess, as a waitress, in cosmetic sales, hih-end retail, and as an office assistant and receptionist/admin asst!!! I have like mucho job experience, so wtf. I don't know what the deal is unless the being new to new york thing is putting them off. Ugh.

So now, I am like on the wave of going back down now. To being depressed, but well--not there yet thank goodness. I'm just really cranky, annoyed, and upset, and saddened that this is taking so long.

There are so many things I wanna go do and experience in new york, but I can't..not until i start making some money. I have to eat (well..lol) and pay the bills, and buy my dog dog food. But I wanna go out and experience nyc!! But of course, this is the most expensive city in the world to live in. Seriously, it's like $8.00 for a mcdonalds value meal here. I've only eaten there once since being here though, and hell..i can't afford mickey ds! Which is a good thing though. I haven't eaten any other fast food besides that one time, and it was a drunken thing anyway.

But still..I'm stuck in the apt ALL freakin day with the dogs, my yorkie, and my roomates black lab. I'm SO freakin bored, but theres nothin to do.
I'd go workout, but i have to buy a membership. I'd go to a museum, but it's like $15.oo to get in, plus subway fare ($4.00) I'd go get a MUCH NEEDED manicure and pedicure, but nope...more money.

I wanna take voice or acting lessons or just something artsy and extra-curricular, but no no no....not til i have some money!!!
And even when I do, I'm going to still be broke for the month or two it takes me to catch up. I owe my roomate part of the rent from last month. Only like $300.00 or so, but still...thats money I'm not gonna be making.

ARGHHH!!! I hate this. It sucks so freakin bad. And I hate to take crappy jobs, I wanted something good to stick with. And now with the way the job search is, I guess I can NEVER EVER quit the crappy job I do get b/c I can't afford to be out of work for another month and a half searchin for another crappy job!!

I'm so frustrated. I can't party mad on the weekends coz it's so expensive....drinks...cab rides home.... It all adds up.

It's like I am completely stuck in this time warp. I can't be happy and meet people and do ANYthing until I get a job, but I can't get a job here either!! OR so it seems lately. I have never in my life had to job search this long...ever. I've always been hired on the spot, or within a week. I'm not used to this, and it's getting to me.
I mean, pretty soon, I;m gonna have to like be a stripper or something...lol or answer that ad for the foot fetish model..lol Except my feet aren't so great (the pedicure), and nyc kills your feet I've discovered. You can't walk down the street in sandals here and not come home with dirty feet. It's really kinda gross, but part of life here.

I'm just so snappy and moody. I'm trying to restrict and fast tomorrow too, and haha like thats gonna go over well with me being all cooped up in the apartment by myself, and feelin all depressed.
I just need something to hang on to. Something. Anything.

Something to get me out of this yucky rut. Whether it's a job or anything else.

It's such a cliche though. Losing weight makes you feel better when you look better and fit in your clothes, but while your doing it.....you feel utterly worthless and depressed.

But I can't control anything else right now. Apparantly, theres no point in getting excited about any certain job, whether i get an interview or not....the odds are def against me based on the last month and a half. So, like fuck it. What the hell else can I take charge of....the f-in tv remote! Argh.
I'm so tried of stayin up til 3am...watchin the late night good tv...sleeping til 11am and watchin crappy daytime tv, then the golden girls, seinfeld, random mtv reality shows, music channels, and anything between....

even the dogs are starting to annoy me.
I had to shut them out of my room for a while today because they just wanna play all the time, and I can't do anything else without them staring at me and barking. I feel bad coz they are cooped up with me, but I can't play with them all day.

I have to get out of here though. I just can't take it anymore...i feel like I'm choking on my own disatisfaction.

But while I'm not doing anything or exuding any energy or expected to work well....i might as well restrict and fast and take advantage of the time i have.

i mean really. what the hell else do i have to do?