Dear Diary,

I am still alive.

H-e-l-l-o again diaryland, oh how I've missed you. Oh, how I've missed reveling in the madness and disorder that is my life.

I'm just gonna have to rant in this entry. You know how it is when you've been away too long. Theres all this stuff inside boiling over, and you just have to get it out. But since it's so much, it just comes tumbling out in no order, no hierarchy...just random spills of information. To update. To state how you feel. To contradict. To question. To breath. To live.

i suck in a breath and begin....

SOOoo...I am now living in new york city. Yep. The big ole apple. How did I get here? Well..um, sometimes i question that myself at times. But I got myself here somehow and now it's where I am.

I semi came for an internship job that was supposed to be for the summer, but my temp living situation did NOT work out. So, I went back home, and then visited nyc again with my best friend.
She just graduated college with a business degree and was lined up for a job in Seattle, but it fell through. She was stranded, so was i. I invited her to come along.
She did. We took one apartment searching trip to nyc staying in the east village (hott) and then flew back south. We were originally looking for a place in hipsterville Williamsburg, but cheaper rents are forcing all the hip twenty-somethings into neighborhood just to the right, Greenpoint.
And thats where we are. Greenpoint, Brooklyn. It takes me about 20 min or less to get to Manhattan, and Williamsburg is supposively the next "east village", so clubs, bars, and the cool "scene" is all around me. Greenpoint is totally filled with polish people though. I kinda like them, and I wanna learn some polish. The guys and girls are all hot and blonde, and I keep getting mistaken for being polish. It's the blonde hair, but i would say the dark brown underneath gives the hipster away. C'est la vie.

Anyway, now I'm majorly job searching. I need to get something full-time and thne if i have time, I'll try and work the internship out. But it costs hella money to live in nyc, so I gotta get the caSh first.
I temped for a huge ass company the other week. $15.00 hr for 2 days just to answer phones and do administrative asst. work. It was so totally easy, and the main girl gets paid more than that. I wish i could have that job. I'm working for an agency that is supposed to be looking for me a good job like that but we'll see.

I'll post pics later, but the view out of that building was insane, the best ever view of the city from the 31st floor. It was so hot.
I interviewed for another real estate place that was considerably less pay, but a great atmosphere full of young new real estate guys and girls. Some of the guys were hot, and I'd love to be their receptionist. ;)
But idk, tons of people were interviewing for it, and it paid only $12 an hour and thats just okay here. Do-able, but damn if $15-18 would rock so much more. Same hours so why not.
But it's getting to the wire, my rent is due soon, and I still don't have a job. I've gotten some callbacks, but I am trying to get the most money I can. I could get any stupid $10.00 hr job, but that would totally suck.

I'm majorly stressing though.....if I don't get something soon, I may have to apply for some waitress jobs in williamsburg. They money will suck, but I'll be right smack in the middle of the party scene and probably meet some kickass friends and some trouble...lol

I sorta kinda did coke with this polish guy last saturday, but idk. I don't think it was real, or I didn't do enough or idk. I think it was fake or something. I'm not like super coke used or anything, but i have to admit. The whole eating disorder thing that has plagued me for years has pushed me in it's direction. It's been in the back of mind, but i never wanted to mess my life up or get caught up in something like that.

But lately, my life has been kinda spiriling in it's own way...and I've kinda lost control. And even when I try to regain it back, it just doens't matter. I've been to the bottom and back to normal, but now..I just feel so empty. I lost me somewhere. I can't find her anymore. I hope maybe shes buried under the layers of skin, depression, and disorder, but i just don't know anymore.
It's like, I'm not terrible sad and depressed, but I'm not happy. And it;'s like nothing can make me happy. Or I don't even care to be so excited to try. It's sorta sad, but then I also don't wanna be in depression again. It was a deep dark hole of despair and I can't afford to get back in it.
So, I'm just here...exsisting living and breathing.
And it's crazy because now I'm here doing that in new york city. weird.

And I had dances with coke right after depression, but nothing serious. But now it's like, fuck it. Who cares? It might be fun and it might help me lose weight. Such bad reasoning.
I don't think anyone is ever a bad person, or stupid to take drugs. I think everyone starts off smart and resonable and with good intentions, but then they start whittiling away at their reasoning. Chopping off the parts that make it wrong. Chipping it down to the parts that make it seem to be okay. And then one day, it is. And you make it okay in your head so that you don't have to deal with the consequences of the bad decison that you know you've made.

And knowing that makes it hard for you to do it. But I am so devoid, i know this, and i rarely care. It's a dangerous time to be me, and me in nyc.

I just need something to cling to, something to save me. It could be anything, a great job, a new career, an exciting enviornment, a great new best friend, a hot boyfriend, a good turn of events. But it seems less and less that any of that is happening to me. And it definitely doesn't happen if you are not into it. I could care less to care.

Part of me wants to care though, but it's so hard. I don't have anything good to focus on. Ugh..i need something and now I'm incapable of making it happen for myself. And although, anything would be good. I think a boy right now would be awful. I'm so weird and moody, and in between fasting, and I would just be a big emotional ball of mess. It's be totally bad, but idk, i'm still open to it.

But anyway, my best friend is like way skinny, and shes losing more weight coz her job involves walking all over the city. Shes already like supermodel status as far as her body goes. Shes pretty too, not model pretty, but universally pretty. Shiny long brown hair, big blue eyes.
So, I'm like freaking here. I still get hit on more when we go out, but I always feel like it's unwarranted. Like maybe they think I'm the slutty blonde or something. It's all in my head I'm sure. Just like everything else.

But tomorrow, i am gonna try fasting or something like it. I might just eat one thing tomorrow and hold out until night time. It's hard b/c I'm by myself with the dogs all day job searching. My roomate already has a job so shes gone all day. I can't wait til I'm gone 9-5 and then not eating is no problem b/c I don't have time to think about it. And you can't snack just whenever.
But I feel so gross, and I need to take control. We don't have our stove turned on anyway, so theres not much great food to eat anyway.

I just need control. But I hate how fasting deprives me, and makes me more vulnerable at first. You feel sad, depressed, lonely, artistic and suffering. Or maybe thats just me b/c I'm so dramatic. I feel so totally sad for a while, until the weight comes off, like after 4 or 5 days. Then it's like cool as shit. You're happy about the weightloss and you forget the deprivation. You're fitting into clothes that were too tight days ago and rocking with confidence.

Thats usually when I drop the ball though. Fast until Sat, then end up going out and drinking, then it's like fuck it, the calories, and you're back at it. Then you start over and again with the depressiveness. Vicious cycle for your self-esteem.

But I am determined to bust through. But I have to prepare myself for the horrid moods. I need to plan things for myself to do to keep busy and not think about eating and feeling sorry for myself. It's hard while i'm looking for a job though. Not eating makes everything else even worse on you. Amplified.

It's 12:20 am though, I'm talkin to some guy from NJ on aim. Nice enough, but hes already the nice boy type, and I'm not feelin them these days. I need trouble, and wildness, and tattos and rock'n'roll.
Guess I'm gonna finish with him, watch tv until really, really late so i can sleep late tomorrow, and hopefully keep from eating all day. The first 3 days are the worst.

Wish me luck~
I'm going to make a huge effort to keep writing in here. It's the only online diary I have where I can pretty much write anything. And it's freeing to be able to do that. I have an LJ on livejournal.com, but too many old friends are tied to it or know the address and I just can't be brutally honest.
I have too much of a want to please people, and be liked. It sucks. I would love to just be able to let it out, but people would be utterly shocked...lol
Such a good little angel..haha
if they only knew.....

okay, goodnight from the city of blinding lights...

heres my view from my office. It's just a link, b/c th e picture is much too big and wide for my diary. It's hosted so it should always work.
peace~

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