Dear Diary,

ugh.......i'm feelin a little icky tonight.
My classes miraculouslly (*sP) got canceled this week due to an art conference that all the teachers went to.
Sorry if i spell stuff wrong and have bad grammar in theis entry....i just wannaget stuff out fast, PLUS my space bar is actin up and bein a POS...so it sticks sometimes and makes it a pretty much pain inthe ass to type at all. but i still wanna flow and get some things out soya t know....please excuse the grammar and try to assume u know what i wastryin to say mmkay

but anyway.....i talked to Andy yesterday on the im. (the rocker art boy from far away)
i nevermentioned much about our relatiuonship

but basically we had an amazing 2 months together partyin going with the flow and havin a blast on the weekends. Hes like everything iu could ever want in a guy. Like quality wise.... idk...this guyjust got to me. Like, i coul;dn't make him up if i wanted to. It's be asking to much for there to be someone on this earth with all the basic qualities i want, plus the sorta too much to ask for qualities, AND the imaginary ones i'd make some perfect guy have, BUT damn this guy had a shitload of them.

and it intimidated the hell out of me....like he almost missed out on knowing me b/c i couldnt even be myself 100% around him coz i was so worried everything would fuck up any second. It was so storybook. We had our first real kiss on New YEars Eve at midnight..it was unreal. And everything was.
He liked me, but hes such a rational guy and hes super paranoid(lol not qualities i would totally want)
ididnt say he was 100% perfect...but who wants someone 100% perfect anyway...bor-ing

so anyway, he had that bad pastrelationship, hes way paranoid about screwing up his own life or other people trying to hurt him, and hes a smidge selfish and narcissistic. He definitely is impressed by some worldly things too.
lol, sorry...i've had lots of time to figure him out. At the time, I was just going with the flow....i think i knew it wouldnt last. It doesnt buffer the hurt though.

but anyway....im not sure if he fully comprehended how great i was, but we also didnt get to spend alot of the right time together. Like, we only got to see each other onthe weekends, and even over the course of 2 months, we never had that down-time. Like sittin on the couch after work one nigth and talkin, or just hanging out.
We always had to "plan" a time to meet, then warm up to each other etc....it was rough, and it killed the romance and surprise.

Butstill...i was still goion with the flow when he amazingly went 'cold' on me. He did warn me that hes very hot and cold sometimes...
He basically said whati kinda already knew but wasnt prepared to hear.
He sorta broke it off with me, but it was semi-mutual b/c i knew the truth too..i just didnt want to have it end and sayit. You cant have a long distance relationshio first.
You have no foundation to build that on. You can't start a relationship that way and i totally understand that.
but still....i hate turning my back on possibility.
Plus, i'm not totally sure i wasnt romantisizing the situation. He was pretty damn great, but there are a lot of not cool things too.
But i still would have loved the chance to see where it would have gone.
but then....i wonder if it was meant to be...
and i trust God's plan for me inmy life so i really just wanna be like it's how it should be...but damn..
i was at a really bad time in my life before i met him....just kinda came out of some bad depression... And i've never been depressed before so it was new for me as a overall natural optimist. It was hard for me to come to grips with.

I was gettin better, tryin to meet people even though i didnt feel like it, buti knew it was best for me to be social b/c i'm really a social person. And i did..i met a couple of guys, dated a bunch, and then fell upon Andy. At first, I was dating some other guys so i didn't take him seriously....it was just fun.

but dammit....i'm like fixiated on this guy now.... And it's weird coz i'm like why would God introduce me to this great fabulous guy for a brief amount of time and then have it not work out?!? It's 'cruel'....i mean, i know thats not the real deal, but thats how it would seem huh? It was so good, i sometimes wish i never had meet him and experienced everything, but then i think and say no...i learned some from him and i had so much fun. But still..i am extremely sad and bummed out. I'm not interested in dating much now anyway...coz seriously...whos gonna be better than that now?!? It's ruined me.
And he lives an hour and a half away and has like 2 years of college left, then he is absolutely certain he is moving to California (he used to live there). And so, i have no chance.
I have a year and a half of college left, and even if i do an internship in the city where he lives and works....it still might be all the wrong timing. And i don't wanna plan my life around 'chance' anyway. I can't plan to have the internship there for some guy and it might not even work out even if we did try again.

I'm stupid. I dont know.
He wasnt very affectionate, and he has some issues that i don't know if i could deal with long-term, but otherwise hes perfect. Idk...i just wanted the chance to have the chance to see if it worked or not ya know.
And he sorta still thinks about me some. We stopped taling around Jan. 29th, and hes imed me and talked to me through email a few times. So I'm not like a complete blank to him. But still. Out of sight, out of mind.

sigh..........it makes me so sad and depressed. And should i be worrying about this, should i let it go, am i just being dramatic? How do i know whats worth caring about more than usual or not?
Does romantic shit like the movie "Serendipity" really ever happen?!?! Is it all bullshit.
I mean, maybe hes not perfect, and we'd date for 3 more months and break up fighting, but dammit...at least i'd KNOW and get the chance to see!!! i'm so stuck on this.
But i can't move to where he is for any reason, and he cant move here, and i dont want to plan an internship there for any other reason other than the fact that i find a good one there.
Ugh...i am so stupid. Why cant i not care...and forget about him. Can he really be worth it!? I doubt hes obsessing over me. And he probably isn't...and the real person that should be my soulmate would be obsessing right now.

i'm just sad. and i've been sorta sad for a while now...it was like going from the world of possibility to NOTHING....back to old life and routine..

and i have been tryin to move on, but im so unmotivated...i want him back more than anything. Or just for him to like want me ya know.

I guess i feel slighted b/c i am so ruled by my heart, and i'd give up a lot for love. I'd have tried to make it work for longer between us, and i feel slighted coz he didnt want to do that. But then on the other hand, reason makes me understand too. And i definitely agree that it wouldn't have worked that way either.

I work every weekend, and how could we deal with seeing each other maybe one day a week, driving an hour and a half.
It's not practical. And we have school and lives and work to take care of.

ugh...but i finally developed film from new years in which he took pics of us with my camera...they were cute..and i dont know what to do with them. The reminisce and make me sad.
I honestly think breaking up with this guy has hurt me more than any of the real break-ups i've ever had. I never "wanted" anything like this before. Idk...chance and possibility. I had no control over this...and i gave too much of myself without knowing what was going on or stopping to think. It was dumb, but....ugh... i'm just sad. i want it to work out and be some cinderalla story where we met again... but idk if it would even work anyway, and now i;ll never know. And that kills me inside. it fuckin kills me.
why did this even happen to me?
i wishi knew...i wish hindsight was now, or i could see the plan and outcome... i wish i knew that the perfect guy better than him was around the corner, but damn the odds cant even hardly allow that....
he was like made-up kind of awesome, and im not shittin u... So many qualities i want...so many extras......

sigh
im so sad about it...and i move on and go through the days but i dont know if i'll ever feel better about it.
Ever. Not this..i've never been this stricken about anything. Not in 21+years....this can't be good.

THIS SONG SAYS IT ALL: read just for the sake of it..it really is relative

"Oh well uh you might think I�m crazy
To hang around with you
Or maybe you think I�m lucky
To have somethin� to do
But I think that you�re wild
Inside me is some child

You might think I�m foolish
Or maybe it�s untrue

You might think I�m crazy
But all I want is you

You might think it�s hysterical
But I know when you�re weak
You think you�re in the movies
And everything�s so deep
But I think that you�re wild
When you flash that fragile smile

You might think it�s foolish
What ya put me through
You might think I�m crazy
All I want is you

And it was hard so hard to take
There�s no escape without a scrape
But you kept it going till the sun fell down
You kept it going

Oh well uh you might think I�m delirious
The way I run you down
But somewhere sometimes
When you�re curious
I�ll be back around
Oh I think that you�re wild
And so-o uniquely styled

You might think it�s foolish
This chancy rendezvous
you might think I�m crazy
All I want is you-a-oo
All I want is you."

The Cars rock.