Dear Diary,

MY life sucks.
how can everything go from so good to bad so fast.
i thought i was in the clear lately....no more sadness, no more depression....bluer horizons on the way.

i thought it was gonna be better. And it was. It was. But not now.

This makes no sense in relation to my other entries in sequence, but anyway.....
i guess i left off with all that drama about dating those 3 guys.
I only ever liked Andy though. Our relationship grew and we dated for almost 2 months. It was so 'fairytale' at times. He had more qualities I would want in the person I want to be with than anyone I've ever met, or anyone I could EVEN imagine.
Some of the qualities were even too good to be true....extras that only made it more surreal and bittersweet.

...and of course, it wouldnt work out. I'm not sure if it would anyway, because im not sure entirely how much he liked me anyway. And even if he was the "perfect" one for me--he isn't if he doesn't like me that much back.

I know he did like me more than a little, and he felt we clicked in so many ways. I think I just fell too fast though....I let things flow without thinking. I normally overthink everything, so it was nice to let it flow. But also in 'letting it flow', I let go of my feelings as well. I fell for him. Not love, but definitely too much. I was SO happy. So happy for possibility, and I wasn't thinkin about the ligistics of the situation anymore. I was stupid.

Of course, the distance was gonna be a problem. And thats why he thought we should end things. The distance. And i know, i understand. It would be hard for me too, but i'd rather spend the weekends with someone i like and click with than have some other guy at my place 24/7 that i only half-way like.
He is just SO realistic though. Always thinking about things locially and reasonably. Something I NEVER do. I try to, but feelings and my heart always take over. And I don't mind it...I always do what I feel like doing, so i'm normally happy even if the logic part doesn't work out so well. I try to get a balance though.

Anyway, Andy has a full-time job, and school all week. He wants a more involved relationship, someone he can spend the downtime with as well. And dammit, i want that too. But I know we live far from each other, and the weekends are all we could have.

Still, I don't know if it's his logical nature making him think the distance is not worth it, or if he just doesn't like me that much or what. I'd do almost anything to know how he really feels about it. Even if it's not good news...i need to know.

Still....i have never clicked with someone so much in my life. And i know everyone says these things about guys they meet and how they'll never meet someone with better qualities, but truthfully; i don't think i will. And that freaks me out b/c I am pretty realistic and openminded when it comes to judgement calls like that.
To have a guy like him with all those qualities that fit SO well with me AND have him love me back...i wish, but it's not possible. There arent guys like Andy around everywhere. He's SO unique. The things I'm not good at, he's good at. The things we are interested in are the same things. We love the same designs, food, houses, tv shows, art, music, theory, religion, food, animals, outlooks on life etc etc etc etc... i could go on and on....
Pretty much everything we are in sync on...and we have tons of fun when we're together, but there wasnt really a way to go into a relationship.

We live too far and i have a year of college left, and he has a year and a half. No relationship starts out long distance. Theres no foundation for it to rely on when the going gets tough.

IDK...i wish i knew what he thought about it all though. I wish i knew if he liked me enough and it was only the distance, or if it wasn't just the distance.

idk...but i am so sad. It sucks so bad. I was all depressed after Clint and I's relationship and friendship ended. I actually joined a group at my schools counseling center about relationships which helped. I got to help other people and listen to the advice. I eventually got over everything on my own, but I was just barely coming back around as of lately.
Then i had all this guy drama...i was partyin a lot..being carefree and not thinkin about things bein good or bad.

i was keepin my options open, but ANdy and i just clicked...and it made me nervous...but then after i was unsure about what was goin on..he reassured me to just go with the flow and we'd stop things when they weren't fun anymore.

Well, his hot and cold nature......we had one kinda iffy night out, then it was an icy, snowy weekend last weekend when he was supposed to come visit. He couldn't come b/c it was really bad outside. Then the next day, next thing i know...he's telling me how he thinks it's not gonna work, how the distance is not cool now and would be worse later, how it's not fun anymore, how it sucks to plan everything and basically how we should date other people blah blah blah...

he was excited to see me the day before!!?!?!
what in the world? I understand some of the reasoning though....the distance doesnt seem favorable. I mean-it's not like we're both graduating this May or something. A year or more is a long time.
Also, it does suck having to plan to see each other. It takes the fun and romance out of everything.
But still....how sad.
He says hes not sure hes done dating either, and he doesn't wanna feel like he can't flirt or talk to other people without feeling bad.

so i understand all that-in fact, i agree. I'm not done dating, but i wish i had the chance to see out Andy and I's possibilities. It's such a shame to not see where that could go..it was so promising.

I also want someone i could hang out with more where i live now, and someone that for sure likes me a lot and shows it.
so idk....we might not have been right for each other, but damn if we werent freakin close....so much in common. Things I couldn't even make up for us to have in common....and i'm pretty imaginative and artistic!

So, i am just so dejected and bummed out... I'm not sure if we're gonna talk anymore or not as friends or anything. He imed me shortly yesterday saying good morning, and he asked if everything was all cool with us now, and i said "i guess" and then he said he'd call me soon if i wanted to talk about it with him. Soon? when is that, and then i'm also just kinda pissed....so hot and cold with his feelings... Everything was fine Saturday morning. It's such the No Doubt song. Sunday Morning.

"you came in with the breeze, on Sunday morning. you sure have changed since yesterday, without any warning. i thought i knew you, woah, i though i knew you, i thought i knew you well...oh well"

Totally. I'm so sad and dar i say-depressed. I dont wanna go back there though. I didn't think I'd ever feel as bad as I did back then, and I can't go back. I want to rise above all that. I thought reveling in my sadness was not that bad, or i just didnt care. But I fell so deep into that..and somehow i made it out.
Things were looking up, much better, i was having fun, i met some guys, went on a few dates, met Andy-someone who was VERY promising, and I got a new job as a make-up artist...totally cool and hip. Things were going well, and i felt happy. At one moment, my parents were at dinner with me. And for one moment, I felt how I used to feel. Worry-free, confident, alive, well, and just happy. Like my parents didn't have to worry about me, and like i was my old confident self. I had just had a good convo with Andy and was enjoying dinner with my parents catching up on information and havin a fun time.

and that was just the other week....

and now....
now

i feel like falling back down in the hole of despair. Yet i know i can't afford it, and i want to be happy.

i just dont know how to be...what will make me better. I'm glad i met Andy and enjoyed the time with him, but i sometimes wish it never happened...so i would never know the sadness i feel now. It's like i had something so great for a while, with such promise, and something amazing....and then ALL OF A SUDDEN, it was gone. Everything.
Nothing means anything anymore.

sigh....and then part of me wants to be strong. I keep wavering between being "self-rightous independant girl with a fuck-you attitute' to 'sad, dejected, depressed melancholy girl'.....back and forth. Something will make me think of Andy and I, and i'm terribly sad....then i get pissed about the situation and switch back to survival mode.

so where do i go now....i have no energy to put into something else new right now....

i just cant...but then being alone makes me sadder...
and my friends suck.....they are only good for drinking and partying.

i have no one to listen to me...no one.
clint and i are 'sorta' friends now. We have nothing in common and we rarely talk. But tonight we went to eat, and he was supposed to ask me about the situation with Andy, but i guess he forgot, and i didnt bring it up b/c i dont think he wanted to hear it anyway. We don't have anything in common anyway. Neither of us hardly listen when we're talking to each other. And i know that, so i try to listen to him anyway. But i know he isn't for me. We waste our breath talking to each other.
i needed him to be a friend to me tonight, and he was in a rush to go home and study and go to sleep. He had to notice i felt that way. I said something when he cut me off earlier coz i wanst done talking....but hes selfish and not a good friend.

i listen to everyone and help them all, and no one listens to me..no one. it's so sad....it makes me sad.
and thats what i am.....the sad girl.

and so what am i to do with myself....u cant have a happier fun life when your sad and dejected. No one wants to be around someone like that.
catch-22....my life is tragic.
i dont wanna be sad, but i dont know how to be happy anymore.