Dear Diary,

bleh on that last entry.....here are some real updates...

i just need to write and get it out...

i'm still fucked up about eating and my body image and all that...but lately i have been meeting lots of boys..

...but to my dismay not much has come of anything...

i only really liked one though...but damn, I still am kinda bummed about that. He was a little flaky, but still...cute and awesome...i really did think we could maybe have something.
His personality was a tad bland though, but his other interesting qualities were very attractive to me.

Sigh....it's hard to date people when i am in a state of disorder like i am...

I dont know what the fuck i am doing half the time, but i just trudge on...
It's sad, i think i have finally gotten used to the single life. The life where u totally don't rely on anyone else, and you just like live.
And it's weird b/c before it freaked me out. Not having someone to count on...and dammit i was way too needy in my last relationship.

I think I felt fat and ugly, and it was like...i didn't think i could survive without Clint being there. He was my best friend, he knew me for likr 6 years, and has seen me change both inside and out and up and down.
I didn't have to worry about my make-up, or my weight (as much), or what I looked like, or who I impressed... I knew he liked me.

But I also knew I didn't really like him more than just a little, and not so much romantically. But it was cool...i could care less if he thought i was attractive.. I knew he did at one point, but i really didn't care if he still did. I wouldn't have minded breaking up at any time. But then I started depending on that. Depending on never having to go out and face the world, talk to new people, or be myself.

I was that boyfriend girl. Fuck. Was I really?? I was a needy, boyfriend- attatched-at the hip bitch!! wow.
Only looking back do i kind of see that.

I lost so much self-confidence when i gained weight, and then i sucked myself into a relationship with Clint again b/c it was easy and comfortable. And dammit if I didn't fuckin stay in it for a year and a half. I deluded myself at first thinking it might actually work. He was such a cute, nice guy.
But dammit....i know that gushy crush feeling again now..and I NEVEr had it for him. I was never attracted to him like that.

Well, I remember when I was...but then I met him and figured out what he was like, and then I remember being disappointed. It's sad, but thats how I felt. I wanted him to be more b/c he was so cute and nice, but thats all he was....and WAY too nice, quiet, boring and SHY!

I really go for attractive, unique, witty, and outgoing guys. The more different they are, the better, although they have to be relatively normal-acting, or at least have common sense, but besides that....who cares!
I'm finding myself, but who the fuck isn't?!? We're all figuring out who we are. I just lived such a life in highschool that didn't allow me to do what i wanted. I didnt have those outlets or opportunities. And now I do, so I've slowly been making up for lost time, but it's hard.

It's hard being in the middle....being undefinable...nothing to associate or relate with. And I do like being undefinable, but it also makes it hard in life sometimes. People are constantly asking u to reinforce yourself. Isn't that weird?

But anyway....i am being me the best way i know how, but i can't help by second guess myself when i meet a guy. Which part of personality do i wanna play up?

I mean, I wish I could take it ever so casually, but it's not like I meet people I really like all that often. I can't afford to fuck it up if I do. I seriously RARELY ever meet a guy I'd even consider all that much. Not for a REAL relationship.
So yeah. I'm nervous as hell when I do. Like, I am constantly trying to figure out what kind of girl he likes, but then..dammit...why do i do that?!? I should be myself and thats it. Does anyone else do that?

It seems so wrong. I guess I'm used to just having to get along with people, so I avoid those bad spots in conversation if I see them coming. But dammit, I need to just say whatever. They should respect me for it.

I never thought I had a problem with being assertive, but maybe i do.

But anyway, i bring this up b/c after I never really heard much from Jed, and basically, I guess he didnt like him, or maybe i didnt have enough of my own opinion or something. Or maybe i was just too fat for him..idk.. It sucks. I guess I got rejected, and I really have like never been. So it's hard for me to take. But to each there own, and maybe theres other things i didn;t know about. Like I sorta think he might have been talking to someone else anyway...based on some of his aim profile things. Which might mean, he may have not necessarily dis-liked me, but maybe he was like already into this other girl and not tryin to get involved....maybe.... i dont know...i always imagine the worst sometimes though

But anyway, I met this new guy...and yeah i know...it's gettin old for me to keep gushing about every new prospect and then it falls through. But hey-isn't that dating for you?? A bunch of trys and mishaps, and potential situations?? So, maybe it's not so far from the norm.

But anyway, this guy and i have potential. If he likes me, that is. He seems pretty open though, so I definitely think he'll like me personality wise, and I know he thinks i'm pretty and all..
He's like amazing fuckin cool though, and he intimidates the freakin hell out of me!! He's older, by like 4 years, which is not a big deal..i've dated people that age before. But hes done A LOT. And fuck-i'm not exaggerating. He has lived all over the world and he was in a famous band that got signed to a record contract in California. He used to live in GA, and hes since moved back for school. But like...he played with Jimmy Eat World, and some other cool bands.. i can't remember them all...i was just like 'woah' But he's cool. Not like hes bragging.

And i know this b/c he's an art guy..which is SO up my alley. We walk to the beat of a different drum, and hes not interested in impressing people. But just talking to him. I can tell a lot i think. I'm gonna list some things I think I know about him....and then maybe if we talk later, I can see how close to being right I was.

here goes...what i know so far...

So, he seems worldly
generous
maybe not assertive enough (he let this one bad date girl run all over him?)
Very Outgoing
Super intelligent (his brother is no-shit, really a genious)
he's good at math and art (this combo will always fascinate me..it's hard2be good at both)
he's highly ambitious ( he has a real job 40hr/week AND is in college)
he's going back to school for a finance degree
his parents live in gA, but he doesnt live with them
he pays his own way
he sounds pretty generous on spending on girls etc (not cheap)
he could be romantic
we could talkabout art for-ever
he could teach me a million things!
we have music in common
maybe we can make music together (no literally..dirty mind...as in jam)
he's a good artist
he's got good common sense
he's pretty witty
he is fuckin cool...i think he could fit in with anyone anywhere
he's a bad boy but in a good way
hes done some drugs in the past, but doesnt do much by drink and (smoke?) idk?
he likes to go out alot..but he lives alone, so he hates being there all the time
he likes small dogs
he has his own car...red civic..pretty normal
he has a tattoo on his arm (sleeve) it means something to him, and he doesnt regret it
he is VERY talkative..i hardly was able to talk
he can play guitar bad ass
he can sing really well
hes been through the music business and back...like for real shit..not fake
he dated a girl that turned out to be schizophrenic (umm..this could be a problem depending on how he dealt with it or how he views it now..psychologically)
hes pretty cute...decently enough
hes got good style i bet...maybe not at wild as Jed, but pretty cool
he's slightly bored easily
he is looking for love or something like that
could be flighty? maybe? not sure yet
i don't know if i will be interesting enough for him??

k
thats all for now

he sounds cool though, but here i am getting easily caught up in a whirlwind...and then i get hurt when gay crap happens...like he doesnt call or talk to me for a while and shit like that...i am SO bad about that!

i might meet him this Saturday night though if he comes to visit a friend....freak me out! I would have to find an outfit and all... He isn's sure if he can come or not though. I hope he sorta cant until next Fri or Sat though....i could fast until then and be decent looking. I will die if I fuck this up b/c he thinks i am fat and/or not what he expected.... Not again...this could maybe be the 3rd time in like a month or 2.
Well, that short guy didn't really count. He sucked. Brandon. He was too short anyway, I don't think I coulda got over it. Plus, he was so drunk...I figured him out so fast.
He has this huge front, but he is like totally unexperienced with girls. He acts like a total player and says the nastiest things with hig guy friends, but he has no f-in clue what hes talkin about. He admitted to me. So, I don't feel like breakin any more sweet nice guys in, who are gonna pretty much waste my time.

I just have a hard time being mean to them enough to where they will go away... but i cant do it anymore. Not after I wasted a year and ahalf with Clint! Gah! But yeah...all i've had today was a donut...and i ate it b/c i thought i would be eating dinner out with my roomate, but we didn't so i decided to just not eat anything else.
It was 295 calories, so thats not too bad...i might lose a pound today for that.

k, but anyway...i gotta run....i know this was a super-long vent, but i needed to get it out. I dont care if anyone reads or not anymore, but I needed a place to gather my thoughts.... and D-land is it... Friends know about my other stuff, and Facebook and all that...

ttyl