Dear Diary,

Fuckin A... I tried to get some photographs today, but they totally suck, and I still have like 4 or 5 more to finish the roll...plus I missed going to the tanning bed today.

I'm trying to get all tan and beautiful to go with my new hair color.

I just got back some pics of me and other random stuff when I was finishing a roll, and dammit 2 of the pictures of me and not so great and so horrible. One is just bad, but the other one is TERRIBLE, and I am usually so photogenic!

I am utterly disgusted and I think I look utterly fat, so I am starting my fast tomorrow no holds barred..

Clint wants to eat lunch with me tomorrow around 11:30, but I'll pick some gross place he likes to eat, and he'll be happy, and I'll just pick at my food. I don't care if I get deathly ill....I have to lose weight. At any cost..I'm just in the dark here. No hope or anything. I'm fuckin tired of this. I wish I could just let go and not care what I do to my body, but it's so hard. But I gotta just not care at this point. I think it'll serve me more good than bad in the long run--especially at the point where I am now.

I think I gained 2 lbs too! The scale is always fluctuating a pound or so, but not 2!!

I can;t even write in here about this...I write about it all the time.

Until I actually lose a good bit of weight..I'm not discussing it in my diary here.. Only other subjects, and maybe how I'm feeling, but I'm not ranting on anything else until I have proof to show and/or good news...

just gotta let go

WEARING: sleep clothes

LISTENING TO: The Cranberries-"no need to argue"

MOOD: Crushed