Dear Diary,

dammit i want to be 112 pounds RIGHT NOW!

arghhhh........

So, I went to the mountains to go tubing with 2 of my good friends today...puttin on bathing suits and all that. And somehow I got throught it, but it just makes me so unhappy. I have to lose more weight and faster. And I might sound crazy, but I swear my life has been SO much shittier since I gained weight or i.e. more weight than I weighed in highschool. I feel like my life has gone completely downhill since then, and a lot of it is attributed to my weight, my health, and my poor body image.

I was so much MORE confident, and HAPPY when I was that old weight. I still had issues and wanted to lose more, but no doubt I was happy. I haven't had that back since then.

And people might think this is bullshit that I think my problems are attributed to weight, but dammit they are! And if there was a way to scientifically prove it, I am more than certain I would be more than right!

So, I have to lose more weigh faster, or at least right now... I can't deal with life like this anymore...it's ruining my life! I feel so weird now...like not myself. At least not my whole self that I was when I was happy.

Fuck. I want that back. No-I Need that back.

argh..and to top it off, one of my friends is formerly anorexic, but i think she still is, or she is bulemic. She is seriously like 5'9 and weighs like 110 lbs. She is SO skinny, tall, lean, gorgeous and everything I want to look like.

She looks like a model everytime she puts on clothes. She just looks so great because she is skinny and tall, and I could fuckin look like that if I lost more weight! I'm tall enough, and I have good bone structure, and I'm actually prettier than her. She's just okay, but most people notice her body first.

argh...i'm just so frustrated..

I need a roomate too, so this girl might end up living with me, and oh crap-will that be thinsperation!

But I'm also worried she'll notice my issues with food. She knows what e.d. people do, and she might catch on really quick and then what do i say..

I don't think she'd notice for a while though, and fuck it-what can she say to me...thats how she is.

But she is so fuckin gorgeous...it doens't matter what shes doing...she's been thin and beautiful forever. She can wear anything she wants, and guys fall all over her, and girls envy her for being so skinny. I want that. I just want to be thin, and have more self-esteem. I feel so ugly, worhtless, and fat all the time. I don't always look that bad, but I just FEEL that way. And I do somewhat look that way.

i gotta change.

I'm so tired of writing shit like this in my diary, and I throughl apologize, but sometimes you just have to rant and get it out.

tomorrow...i am on boot camp diet patrol. classes are about to start too, so thats more thinsperation...i dont care what happens to me... I have to make this risk.....

WEARING: T-shirt/cotton shorts

LISTENING TO: Aerosmith "Get a Grip"

MOOD: frantic