Dear Diary,

woah...it's about to majorly storm here. Which is actually kinda cool. I love storms. I especially love the windy storms where it's slightly raining, but theres no lightening. The kind you can be out in and just watch happen. I guess it makes you feel alive with so many forces of nature moving around you.

Anyway, so...today is like the 3rd day I haven't spoken to Clint. I know he has to be semi-upset. He might be sorta pissed that I am blowing up so much about it all, but then I think he messed up enough to know it could bother me in many more ways than one. And for once in our relationship, I was very visibly and really shook up and hurt by it all. The friendship thing hurts the most. Clint is such the "nice guy" too. He never does things like this. He really values his true friendships almost above all else.

I just wish I knew what he was thinking about all this. I fuckin think about it a million times a day, but then I try not too. I wake up and I think about it. It's dumb.

I gotta get a new life going for myself, and move on. Thank goodness school is about to start in 2 weeks.

Speaking of the next 2 weeks, I am going to try and fast for most of it. I know I may not make the full 2 weeks, but I've just been disgusted with everything lately. I want EVERYTHING to change. I want a new body, new hair, new friends, new boyfriend, new every-thing!! I just am So sick of the person I have been lately...the stupid way I feel lately b/c of all the factors going on in my life.

I want some control.

And I feel like I've totally been spinning out of control, and this Clint thing is just icing on the cake. I don't want to be all pathetic and get hurt by this bullshit. I wanna be strong and move on, and say good ridance if thats how he wants to be. I want to re-invent myself or my attitude at least. And most of the time, your outside appearance can sometimes change when your inside does.

I need control of my life though. I need a plan and some goals (short-term or whatever) and I need to attack my life and jumpstart it back!

I've just been so lost and aimlessly going through the motions, and I was very depressed in May. Now here is summer, coming and going so fast, and I'm still kinda going no where, but during summer...i didn't really have to hae a direction so I haven't thought about it too much.

I just need some changes and some control.

I want new things, new beginnings, new relationships to REPLACe old shitty ones...etc....

But how should I start this? What should I do first?

Hmm....

I might start by organizing my life, cleaning it up, and getting some old things done. But I have so much of that. Maybe I'll do a lot of it while I have the time, and then work on changing my inside. All the while, working on changing the outside as well. Although, you need money for some stuff.

Hmmm...I'll ponder on this for tonight and come up with something and maybe put it all down tomorrow.

It's sad really. I am at my parents house on the lake right now. I didn't have to work today and I thought I'd catch some sun for today. It's all stormy now though like i said. But it's sad. Half the reason I came here was to distract myself from the Clint issue. I knew my parents would talk to me and I could lay out and swim etc...and not think about it. In essence, I am escaping. But hey--whatever works right?

I think it'll work okay though.

Anyway, I'm about to change out of my bikini and maybe check out the storm outside while i think about what changes I can begin making in my life....

ttyl

WEARING: Sorta Wet purple string bikini

LISTENING TO: n/a

MOOD: Hopeful