Dear Diary,

i got to get this out, and i have to write this down somewhere...and this is my diary so i guess it's the place to do it.

I just got to get this off my chest ya know!

So, anyway, I'm just gonna type in a fury and get it out ASAP. I dont want to get into it, but i'm bottling it all up.

Anyway, here goes....

So basically, I've been betrayed by Clint, my best friend/and once boyfriend for 6+ years. I can't say I was alwyas a good friend to him in the beginning when I went to another college, but when we both were at the same college when I transfered, we became a lot closer and then we eventually dated again, and this time it was more serious. We dated seriously for a year and a half....sex and drinking and all kind of relationship stuff...we went through a lot and became EVEN closer.

Then we kinda had an epitome of how we weren't SO right for each other, and how he was about to go to vet school (maybe somewhere far away) so we broke up. But then he got into the vet school at our current college, so he was staying here. We still never had much in common though. I'm the party/rock girl, and he's the silent/cute nerdy guy. I like to go out with friends and have fun, and he likes to stay at home and study. So, you can see how it's hard for us to do very much together, but somehow we had a common bond through all these years.

And people always are like "hes so cute-why did ya'll break up" blah blah blah to me all the time! They just don't know how boring he is, and how unemotiional and NOT passionate at all. But sometimes I would like daydream and envision a life with Clint down the road. Which would entail me being a hot housewife w/a doctor husband. Sorta cool, but then when I think of that, I think of how freakin unhappy I would be. I would feel trapped! This is a shitty analogy, but I'm a lot like Carrie from Sex & the City. I sorta hate commitment and marriage and being tied down. It's like I want that life eventually, but damn I gotta see the world and the cities and meet people and fuckin LIVE life ya know. I have never WANTED to really be married. I figure it'll happen if it does, but I never imagine that day. When you have kids and a family, you can't change...you can't go anywhere. You can't pick up and change your life cause u have people who are dependant upon you and you have a ROLE you have to be. I don't want to be defined by ANY role.

So....you see.....most people pressure me to be with Clint and have the little happy fairytale life, but I feel like I'd die of boredom and my spirit would be killed, and I'd cheat on Clint or just want to die..cause I'd be so unhappy. I'd have to settle. To make this point short.

But Clint wants that life, and whatever-thats cool, but it's not for me.

So anyway, getting back to the heart of the matter and why I am so upset...

Clint and I have fair game to date other people right now. We still sometimes have sex when we feel like it, but personally-it's not that great.

I'm all body-conscious right now trying to lose some more weight, and then he's so NOT passionate at all. I mean really! The boy REALLY knows how to ruin any mood. I don't think he even knows when there is a mood. So basically, sex sucks with him, so I hardly wanna do it with him. Sometimes, I'm just like....the vibrator is better...lol But still, sometimes I go without for a while, and I think 'oh, maybe it'll be better'. It never is. But we still had sex like last week or soemthing like that.

Well, so anyway, this whole past month, Clint has been being a SHITTY friend to me. He's been mean when he hangs out with me. He has attitude, and he acts like he doesn't want me around when we hang out, yet we still hung out. Plus, he was doing some other strange things, and he almost kicked me out of his place one night saying he was going to bed.

So I thought it was just him becoming "serious vet student" solitary hermit guy ya know. I didn't like this new persona, but I chalked it up to that.. but thats where i was wrong.

So, Sunday, my parents come up and take me and my friend Laura out to eat and to the movies. We go to the movie theater by Clint's new apartment b/c it's better, although there is a huge movie theatre right by my hosue.

So anyway, we drive by the back of the theatre and I point out Brent's new apartment to my parents, but then--something is weird.

His truck is there. He told me he was at home and he was gonna stay at home that night. Well, whatever, I figure maybe he came back so I call his cell.

He answers and I don't say anything about it....waiting to see what he says about it. He proceeds to straight up lie and tell me he is AT his parents house and has been there sleeping all day. Then I proceed to milk this bastard liar some more.

I ask him where his parents are, what they are doing, where his dog is, what he plans on doing that night etc... and he just rattles off lie after lie as he tells me this. And i just feel sick to my stomach--'why is he lying' I think..

So, then I whispered to my parents what was going on, and my dad jokingly says..."oh-he has his girlfriend over there" and io was like "nooo..." But so then I ask where his truck is, and he lies to me. So I ask again. and he lies. So, I say "are you sure?" And he gets kinda nerbous and says "why are u at my apt?" and i was like "yeah-we are at the movies by your apt, and theres a car the looks like ur truck outside!"

And he tried to lie about that too, but then he caves and squeals that "he just wanted to sleep all day" So, I get pissed and we argue and I hang up on him.

Then I text msged him before we went into the movie asking "why he lied to me about that?" Then he sends back the message. "We need to talk."

My blood runs cold, and my stomach flips. I immediately knew what was going on. I just knew....the weird things, the attitude, the lies.

He had been taking his fucking cell phone INTO the shower with him lately, and hes never done that. And i tried to get to is, and he always had it somewhere else. He was hiding something, but now I knew what it was. All at once.

So, he calls me back a bunch of times, and so I finally answer wanting to get it over b/c It'll drive me crazy during the movie.

So, he tells me he's been seeing this stupid girl for a month now, and he didn't know how I'd react so he didn't tell me about it. And he saiys some gay shit about how she was about to move an hour and a half away so he thought not much would come of it and he could cover it up until she moved.

I feel sick at this point. And not as much from the whole 'him dating another girl', but because I know I have been told a million lies over the past month and have been treated like shit b/c of this asshole. How many lies did I stupidly believe from him?!?! A whole month of lies!

We exchange words, and he just tells me worse shit, and I hang up...i can't take anymore.

And then that night, I can't sleep. My mind thinks about all the situations where I was lied to. His grandma was sick and "in the hospital", his DAD stayed at his apartment (yeah right), why he "went" home so many times lately, his "cell phone battery was dead" so i couldn't call him on it. ETC.....i felt sick..my body was shaking. This was my best friend, and he straight up lied to my face for 30 days w/o a second thought. Who WAS this person?!? It surely wasn't my best friend of 6 years! I hate being lied to...to think I believed that bullshit!

All he had to do was be honest. And yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little pissed about the dating of that girl. It's worse b/c I know who she is, and she hit on him a while back when we were dating and when we were out together. I got pissed then too, so I already don't like her. But damn it's worse cause shes sorta pretty and really skinny. And I am just like....i don't know....I'm just upset about it all. And to know thats why he was pushing me away and out os his house those times. Thats why he had been such a shitty friend lately.

And whats worse it like, I "MADE" this boy what he is. He was so shy and weird with girls, and I basically taught him all the smooth shit he knows now, and NOW he's using it on this other bitch. Like--it just makes me upset. And i don't know what to do about it.

I mean, I know Clint and I aren't supposed to be together and dating should be fine. And it is sorta, but not like this...not with these lies. He was comprimising our friendship for this girl...and he had 30 days to KNOW what he was doing. It's not like he didn't have time to think about what he was doing and feel bad and then tell me. He just kept on and on....lie after lie.

So, I'm just really hurt......and more b/c hes my friend and he lied to me for that long, rather than the whole girl thing.

And he has nothing to say about it except he didn't know how i would take it. Bullshit, so lying abou t it for 30 days and concealing it and being mean as hell to me was better?!?!

And even if i forgave him, things wouldnt be the same. Our friendship was already going downhill as it was. He's gonna be a big nerd this coming year, and I just fuckin turned 21 and we just dont have much in common.

So, as for now....I'm just so pissed...I'm not talking to him...and maybe never. I'm at least not talking to him for 30 days. I'm not gonna tell him that. But it's 30 days for the fuckin 30 days he lied to me.

But if he doens't make any attempt to even TRY to make a good effort to make things better in this month....then seriously I think our friendship is over for good.

I feel sad about it, but our friendship was sucking anyway, and how can I let this go and get over it. How can I ever trust him again. It's not the first time I've ever caught him in a lie to me. And i just can't lie to the face of my best friends abotu important stuff. And hes just been getting worse over the last 2 years...telling more lies, and this one just took the whole fucking cake and the icing!

So, I'm not talking to him at least for a month. But if his stupid self doesn't make an effort to win our friendship back (even a little bit for what its even worth) then fuck him.

I know he values our friendhsip a lot, but i wonder if he is pissed at me for getting this mad, or if he is feeling guilty. I hope his fuckin ass is feeling guilty.

I hope it bothers him every time he hangs out with that stupid girl if he still is. I can't believe he did that. It's not the friend I used to know anymore.

So, anyway, it's the end of the 2nd day that I haven't spoken to him, and I have no plans too at any time. I just wanna get over it though. Forget about it, and let his skank ass go. I'm still hurt, but what can I do. I'm trying to keep busy and not think about it, but I had to get it all out in here.

WEARING: skirt/purple shirt

LISTENING TO: 311--"Leaving Babylon"

MOOD: sad/angry