Dear Diary,

I think I'm gonna start being bulemic.

I know-I know. Everyone would say, "NOoooo!" to me, but damn...this whole "not eating" thing is NOT working for me.

I mean, I go days without food, and then every SINGLE time I eat, the weight just comes straight back. And I don't binge when I go back to eating...I just go back to 'normal' meals for me. Which means one maybe two at most meals a day....and they aren't that calorie-laden. So whats the deal here? Why aren't I losing any weight?

You figure if you don't eat for half of a week, that you'll eventually lose some weight..i mean h-e-l-l-o, your not eating the 3 meals a day most people eat. But WTF-I have only lost like one or two lbs!

And this girl I knew that was FAT all throughout my highschool is bulemic, and she lost SO SO much weight! She is like super skinny now, and she goes to the same college I do now. And it just pisses me off, but is also thinsperation for me. She was so fat ya'll....I mean...we hardly knew she exsisted, and then now..She's like a new competition for girls everywhere. She was always sorta pretty and okay nice and all, but she was just so fat and her face was so big.

But now, she is like a size 6 for definite, and maybe a 4, but I don't think so. And she looks so much more beautiful cause she lost the weight on her face.

You know--I want that dammit. I want to lose a shit-ton of weight where people are like, WOAH! and like notice that I look better and different.

But what the hell..not eating is NOT working...whats up with this?

I mean, I guess I just need to consistently do it for longer, but thats the hard part. I constantly have times when I have to eat one meal or drink or something, and it messes my fast or restriction up. I guess thats why someone came up with bulemia. Cause there are all those times that you do "have" to eat socially with people.

I just tried to throw up like 2 or 3 times before, and it's just so painful and hard. I just suck at it I think. And thats why I've never gotten into it. PLUS-I didn't want to be one of those 'puking' girls ya know. I don't want to be associated with the disgusting habits os havin bulemia.

Anorexia is so much cleaner. lol As if they are both SO much better than anything else anyway..haha

But still-I don't want to be the girl puking in the bathroom. Oh-how stereotypical!

But then again, I'm gettin desperate. I think I couls deal with still getting to eat and enjoy food and then still get rid of it. I just suck at purging though. I never feel like I get it all up, and then I feel like I am making my body do that and it does no good anyway.

Plus, it sorta hurts, and I can't puke on impulse. I used to use a toothbrush, but it is just such a big ordeal for me. My throat was sore for like a week and a half after I did it. Maybe I was just doing it wrong though...damn-who the fuck knows...

I'm a crazy person these days...

I need to lose weight though. This is driving me crazy! I think I may start a new diet where I am restricting like I have been now, but then...if I do "have" to eat at some function or I just get really bad bad bad cravings...then whatever I eat, I have to purge it.

Although, thats harder than what it sounds like. Maybe the thought of eating and having to make myself purge it will keep me from eating, cause it really is a huge ordeal. It takes me like 20 minutes to even get the nerve up to puke, plus the time it takes trying to throw-up...so actually I don't even have the one hour lee-way time before you gotta get it out.

I can't believe I am even talking about this.

I hate mia. It's so gross. I don't want to become that. But I also don't want to be fat either....more than that.

argh....

Anyway, I am about to finish getting ready and then I am going to the Mall and looking for a cute skirt or something to wear with my rock'n'roll shirt for my date Thursday. Hopefully, I'll find something, and something semi-cheap, cause I'm on a tight budget right now. I'm bout to get my hair done soon remember....and it's gonna cost SO much money! I have so much I want done...it's def gonna be a weeks paycheck!

Anyway, I'm gonna post some thinsperational pics and some pics of the hair I want in here, just because I'm bored and what-not. And if anyone has any advice on the whole mia thing good-or bad let me know or drop me a note. I know most of u will say "Don't do it!" but I'd actually like a honest plus-side opinion. I mean, I'm gonna do what I want to myself regardless.

And when you have an e.d., it really doesn't matter what outside people say in regards to eating.

okay, heres some pics.....

WEARING: Green cheerleadin shorts, white tee

LISTENING TO: "Look at Me Now"-Jessy (Ministry of Sound Trance)

MOOD: Cheerful