Dear Diary,

So.....ummmm basically Friday I fucked up. I wasn't gonna eat..I even did all the time until we all went out to eat dinner. We had eight people and duh-i was hungry. I was planning on ordering a salad with grilled chicken in it and eating half with a diet coke of course. BUT---much to my dismay...there was only like one salad on the menu, and it was a side mixed greens salad and def not a meal. Everyone would have asked me if that was all i was eating and there were 7 other older people other than me and they totally woulda singled me out about it. They were all ordering drinks and gettin ready for a big merry meal!

I was freakin out tryin to find something better, but there was only shrimp and steak and pasta on the menu. I ended up just calling out the name of "Mushroom Ravoli" when the waiter came around to me the 2nd time.

I knew it'd be sorta calorie-laden. BUT..even so....that ravoli was the BEST ravoli I've ever had in my entire life!!!

And it wasn't just coz I was hungry. I let several people try some and they agreed. My dad even said it was better than his steak! It was totally awesome...tasted like a total more high-priced meal than what it was. Needless to say, I ate most of it. Then I had like half a pina-colada at the concert, but it was way strong and I knew it'd have tons of calories so I didn't drink much of it before setting it down. So, all in all, I didn't totally fuck it up too bad, but I did ruin the fasting part of my diet for then.

And Saturday catupulted into a ruined day as well. Clint surprised me by showing up at work "convienantly" right before I was going to lunch. He ended up taking me to the food court for lunch. Bleh. I ended up gettin some Subway, which was BY FAR the best choice there. After work, I caved and got a healthy smoothie coz their my fav. They are pretty low-cal and healthy though, and then for dinner I ate a grilled chicken sandwich and some wings. Yeah-yeah...i know. It was all downhill after the concert. I just didnt get a lot of sleep friday night after the concert and then I had to work an 11 hour shift....soI was feelin pretty sorry for myself and let myself give in I guess.... I was SO tired and hungry and I gave in. Blick!!

But lets get past all that crap....

So, today is Sunday, and I successful went all day w/o eating much. I think I had like 6 low-sodium saltines, 2 jolly ranchers (40 cals) and just water and vitamins.

Hopefully, the scale will be 2 lbs. lighter tomorrow morning. I think I may not check it though.

My date is coming up this Thursday and I keep feeling insanely guilty and terrible about fuckin up the other day. It's really gotten bad. I even had like a nightmare about me screwing up and food and all that the other night. I've been beating myself up about it in my head, but also unconciously too I guess. I just hate to be fatter than I wanted to for when I meet Z and go on the date. I mean--theres no way to look that much skinnier than I am. Basically, I am gonna have to face the music and it depresses the shit out of me.

I guess I'm gonna try and lose as much as I can before then, and then next time I see him....try and lose like 5-10 more lbs. before then. He's a guy and he probably wont really notice--or he will, but he might just think he didn't really remember what I looked like on our first date.

It's all insane I know, but whatever....i need this kind of motivation-healthy or not.

So anyway, I got the "Most perfect" shirt to wear for our date Thursday. We are going to see one of my fav cover bands and I'm a total die-hard rock music fan, so I found this awesome black halter that has Irish graffiti writing on it that says the word "Rock" on it in glitter writing.

It looks pretty 'Rock'n'Roll' to me. But I have no idea what bottom I am gonna wear. Definitely a skirt, but what kind? I don't have a faded denim one like I'd like to wear with it.

I need something "rock", but that looks hot on me and maybe makes me look a little skinnier as well. haha...don't we all need outfits like that!

But Idk, I think I'm gonna try a few things on at work, and then maybe go shopping like Wednesday for something better.

OH-And I'm gettin my hair done Thursday. It's gonna look so HOTT! I'm gettin it highlighted with like 4 different colors and gettin it two-toned underneath. I need something funky, and I'm an art major and a rock chick so I can have cool hip hair. lol It's totally gonna be very chic and different. And I guess thats kinda how my style is really. I'm punk but with some fashion sense.

No one...whether they are preppy or punked out would ever say my outfits suck. For some reason, I am able to blend together good style between the two different worlds. I'm just a walking contradiction, and whatever, I don't care. I'm a pretty blond IN a sorority, yet I'm an art major, a total rebel, and I love Rock'n'Roll! Total non-conformist and partier....I get along with the 'greeks' just as well as the 'freaks'...lol Good grief..I'm retarded, but that really is how I am.

I'd never wanna fully be in either one of their worlds though. I'm a mix between and I like it. People are always confused by me though. I'm really one of those people you get to know, and are like "Wait-What? You are into that?"

Who cares..though....I love being me...just wish I was a super skinny me with a hot tan and beautiful hair!

LOL-I'm working on the hair and the tan asap....but the body takes a lil longer....

Oh, man.....I'm at least glad I have Evan (the other new guy) around, just in case, Z meets me and isn't as interested. I mean-I really don't think thats gonna happen coz I'm still totally hot and charming..but I'm afraid that he has this other idea of what I look like. I think he thinks I am this svelte hot 5'8 blonde...which I am...but not as svelte as I'd like to be. IDK....I don't know what he thinks I look like. I mean--hes seen pictures, but I'm just afraid he's fantasizing of a different me.

And the worst part is--I'll probably never know. I'll never know if I don't live up to his expectations probably. But then again...what if he DOES say something!! Oh, crap. If he looks at me and then says later..."You don't look like what I thought you looked like really...." I will totally freak out!! That probably means "Your a lot more of a heffer than I imagined you!"

ARgghhhhh!!!

I know I am overanalyzing this...but still...i can't help it.

And I think I know where it's stemming from as I write this. I met this guy over the computer...Yeah, i know...i know.

Well anyway, he was the coolest, most intelligent, charming, witty and funniest guy I'd ever met. Just talking to him, I felt and even said to myself that "If this guy is hot at all...I could seriously be in trouble." Which means...I could fall for him, and I could get hurt. He had potential to do that...he was THAT unbelievable cool.

So anyway, things are cool...and then we met. He was always sorta flaky and such....but not so much flaky as he was really really smart (like really) so he was into a lot of different things. Very eclectic. He was always thinking and doing lots of cool stuff and I was just fascinated by him. But anyway..he was sorta flaky just when I was talkin to him.

But anyway, so we met, we hung out, and he even came back to my house and spent the night (we were semi-drunk). But there was NO SEX. He and I both didn't want to do it. We stayed up talking and making out all night until dawn and it was great. Then I took him home and hung out at his place a little bit, and then he kinda started gettin all weird on me. I didn't push things....figuring I'd talk to him later and if it worked out..whatever cool. But then he didn't talk to me, and he ignored the one time I tried. I'm never the girl to chase after a guy so when he didnt try and get in touch with me...I left it at that.

But still....he randomly text messages me sometime, but i know hes sorta hung up on his old ex-gfriend. But still..it's like I got dissed or something after he saw me in person?!?

At least, thats what I think about it. But I know that I looked hot that night and even the next day. I looked really hot...I tried hard, and even the next day....the bed-head curls in my hear were super sexy. I don't get it.

So, I assume it was coz I was fatter then. But idk..i mean i wasnt that bad, but I just wasnt like I'd wanna be.

idk....i'm probably exaggerating the situation, but i am afraid that will happen this time. And I don't know if my ego can take that again.

Plus, that guy wasn't even all that hot anyway, but he was so fuckin cool and fascinating to me and we had SO much chemistry that I just got over that. I could looked past him not being as hot as I'd liked... Maybe he was freaked out coz I still liked him, and he thought I wouldn't after I met him?? Hmm...IDK. It's over with and done with, and I'm glad I didn't get stuck in a relationship with him coz I prob woulda got hurt worse than what I did. But I feel like it was cause of the way I looked.... I never used ot get turned down--ever. And although, that guy wasn't so superficial...he was so cool and smart that he wasn't into looks so much.... So it hardly seems like he would judge me on that. But even if he did....every guy I've dated thinks I am past surpassing in the looks department... I just don't get it.

oh, well i cant talk about it anymore, but i just cant have that happen again...and fuck--what if it does. I will be crushed. I know this all sounds pathetic to anyone reading, but it's not like that. I mean--really I could stand to lose a few lbs., and it a guy motivates me..the so what.

At least I have that Evan guy though.....maybe I can lose a lot more weight before we go on that date later on. He seems more and more like my type the more I talk to him anyay...

Plus, his pic was fuzzy, so if he's hot in person...I'll definitely push to hang out with him more. He seems like a better guy for me, but if hes not all that cute...idk. I mean...I can aford to be picky coz I'm not in a hurry to meet Mr. Right anytime soon. If it happens, it does, but damn..I KNOW I'm not gettin married ANY time soon!

Z seems more like he wants a serious relationship and then a potential wife..AND that I am NOT! IDK

I'm confusing myself now...

Anyway....got this no-eating thing underway today...so I just gotta keep it up til Thursday....

wish me luck.

i think im gonna take a tylenol pm and pass out.....forget about food and weight and hunger and boys and just slip into dreamland.... ahh...my favorite place.

WEARING: shorts and a tank top

LISTENING TO: Ministry of Sound-"Satellite" Oceanlab

MOOD: worried-contemplative