Dear Diary,

I'm feelin kinda crappy now.

I wasn't. I WAS fine. But then after sorting through some old calendars and personal organizers etc. (I'm such a personal organizer freak.)

I found something in the back of one that just took my breath away and made me feel shitty.

Little background info....I used to use the planners for everything so naturally while wasting time in class or daydreaming I would make a calendar or weight-loss chart in the back of most of my planners. I usually forgot them or updated them for a while and then made new ones etc, but making one helped me keep my goals in mind and help me plan out when I could expect to lose a certain amount of weight and the countdowns to different goal-dates etc.

Well, I found some non-surprisingly in the back of this planner I had a year or more ago. I found some good news in one month that I had filled out consistantly. It showed I had fasted like 16 days out of the month--not all together though...random days. But still--that was inspiring, but then I saw another page. A markdown of a weight I was last year. And it was written on JUNE 13, 2003 One year from now! AND----it is almost the SAME weight I am right now!!! WTF!?!? That just makes me so sick I want to puke and take some sleeping pills and pass out in bed!!!

I cannot believe that!! What the fuck! It makes me so sick. I mean--i know I have gone up and down a lot so it's not like I haven't done anything, but I basically haven't. I mean, I have lost some weight, but damn--i wrote that a year ago and i haven't progressed more and maintained!

I just feel like total crap.

I'm about to go all psycho with ana b/c I don't care. This is so stupid. I can't believe I haven't gotten any further than that. It just makes me feel so horrible. I'm mad and I'm sad and disappointed...i dont know what to feel.

but im about to say fuck it. who cares if i pass out at work..oh well. I'll just say i have low-blood sugar or something....

I mean seriously. I HAVE GOT to take DRASTIC actions!! At ANY COST! Whatever if i fuck my body up, it's not worth seeing that same number on the scale a year from now!!!

So, I'm totally not eating from now on, for definite. It's water, Crystal Light and some saltines when I feel really sick and thats it. I can't have this happen to me again. I know I lost weight before, but I didn't think I gained it back enough to be like last year.

i hate food. i hate that we need it. i hate that everyone socializes with it. i hate it. i dont want it.

what else can i say in this entry? i mean--thats enough to devastate me for the next month!

Tomorrow, I'm going wedding dress shopping for my sister. I will not partake in lunch. I will say I am sick and drink water and nibble on a little bread or something. I WILL LOSE more weight. I CANNOT have this happen ever again. I CANNOT.

i just cannot believe this.

it totally sucks. Like I've been doing nothing all year. Like I might as well have been pigging out and eating whatever I wanted if I was gonna stay the same damn fuckin weight.

arghh.....

i gotta turn on some music and hop in the bed and hope sleep will help me forget this until lunchtime tomorrow.

this is just TOO much....

WEARING: mini-skirt /gray-t-shirt

LISTENING TO: Stroke 9 "Make It Last"

MOOD: Crushed and Horrified