Dear Diary,

ugh....i am losing it.

I have fallen off the diet bandwagon, and i am at a loss to get back on.

I toy with the idea of trying to lose weight a healthier way...you know getting toned and fit by working out and eating protein and shit like that...but then I know that takes forEVER and I am such a quick-fix kind of gal. It sucks. I want to fast, but I have so many things that go on in my life that cause me to mess it up. And then I get so upset and gulity towards myself when I have to end my fasts. It's emotionally draining, which I think it why I can't seem to start a new one lately.

I want to suffer though, I want to lose weight that way. I want to make myself suffer for being so damn inferior and full of failure. I want to be anorexic thin, and not shapely and full of muscle. I want to be that beautiful thin girl, borderline anorexic skinny, whom people stare at in awe or wonder... I want that.

I dont know why, but thats what I desperately want.

I saw this girl today walking ahead of me outside my Art History class, and good grief--she had to be anorexic, or just have AMAZING genes. She didn't look like her figure was so slender naturally though, plus she was a definite sorority girl, and I'd say there is a large number of Greeks here at my college that have eating disorders. Most of them are bulimic though.

We have like 20 sororities on campus anyway, panhellenic speaking....

Anyway, she was like everything I wanted to look like. The sun was setting as she was walking down the hill, and I in step behind walking towards my ride trying not to stare, but it wasn't obvious since I was behind her leaving class anyway.

Anyway, she was very tall 5'9 maybe, maybe less, but very lean, very long limbs. Soft tan skin, long blonde ponytail cascading down her back. Small shoulders, tiny wrists, and the most intriguing part was her legs. She had on typical short cheerleading shorts that were probably a size small or X-small, and I just knew she had a definite gap between her thighs. I could see the sunlight streak through, and I was so undoubtedly wrecked with guilt and jealousy. She was so beautiful and everything I was striving towards, and yet here was this girl, in the flesh.

I felt so gross, nasty, and terrible, and I berated myself for the rest of the day for being fat and ugly. I was repulsed by my image in a store window as Clint and I walked downtown by soem shops after class. I literally felt nasty and unworthy of anything.

I was so wrecked with guilt and self-hate. I look terrible. How can I expect to get any attention from anyone looking like I do, and yet I have as much potential if not MORE that that beautiful blonde girl i saw, and I just dont know why I can't just jump off the deep end and sink deep into anorexia and just get there somehow ANYHOW! I NEED to be skinny! I cant stand myself anymore, but why cant I just damn go to the extreme...why do i care if i am healthy, why do i feel the need to eat socially, why do i crave food....

why why why!

I feel so horrible day after day when I see girls like that ALL over my campus. I feel so unattrative and unworthy. Why would ANY guy go for me, if he saw a million girls walking around like her. I feel like I have wasted so much of my life being fat or at least not as skinny as I would like to be. I am missing out on the fun of being skinny, the envious looks, the stares from guys, the throngs of people who want to talk to you simply because you are goddessly beautful. I am cheating myself!

but how can i just let go....can anyone tell me? and i know people dont want to, but i NEED this! I need it more than i need to be healthy, because mentally i am not... I NEED this. And I can't,for the life of me, figure out why I can't just let go and not eat, and get thin. Why? Why do i feel the need to be healthy and on the safe side, and why am i tempted to eat with friend and family? Why cant i just put my foot down and die-hard be an anorexic. i hate myself. i am such a failure. I know being skinny would make so many things in my life better, and i know thats such a cliche', but it really would. I know I'll still feel the same, and still be obsessed with everything, but damn-can't I be obsessed like I am already in a skinny beautiful body?!?!?

thats what i want...as long as i am dying inside from all this, why cant i be that way in a skinnier outside...

i hate myself. i have to do something, i cant take this anymore, and ive said it so many times over and over....the emotional turmoil. I have to get skinny!

I know a girl that was/is anorexic, and she didnt eat for 3 weeks and lost so much weight.....and SHE did it, and I know her! Why can't I do it? I feel so inferior and like such a damn failure because other people can do it and i can't. I feel like a failure just because i want it so bad, yet i cant do it.

i have to do something, something drastic, but how? How do i let go?!? I am so strong mentally..I have such stong will and morals, and its so hard to do something you know is bad for you and might hurt u later, but i dont care about that anymore...

i have to get out...i am trapped in this body, and if i dont change it, i'm going to die anyway...

i have to do something, i have to...

i have to just go to the extreme....i have to just not eat...i have to keep going, and not give in....

how can i get by all the speed bumps in my life, friends wanting me to eat with them, family dinners, feeling sick...

what do u do? All those things test me...

i have to think of this as a game, as a challenge...and those dinners and social gathering are obstacles...maybe i get points for getting over them...

idk

i have to find something that works...i am killing myself without not eating anyway..

I HAVE TO CHANGE!

i have to do it now!

no more food, no more social settings, and if i get tested, i'll get by. Eat a salad, always water, munch on crackers, but nothing else...i have to do this.

summer will be here, my 21st bday will be here, and i will be still fat, and i will die. Die like i never have before, because once again, another birthday will slip by, a big milestone, another summer, another school year hiding from fashionably revealing clothes.....i have to get out, i've GOT to get out.

Joanna Pacittit (*SP) Legally Blond Soundtrack

"Better watch out going for the knockout, I can't give up until I get whats mine."

heres crossing my fingers that i can kick my own ass!

WEARING: shorts/t-shirt

LISTENING TO: maybe that song if i can find it

MOOD: Wretched, but hopeful, and determined