Dear Diary,

We just broke up-for real. I dont know what to think. I know it's probably for the best, but i dont know. We almost were about to get back together, but we have SO many problems and issues, and I don't think either one of us has all of the effort left that it would take to fix everything. We are going different directions to, and neither of us want to make the other one give up anything we want in life for the other. It's kind of a bittersweet parting. Only he and I could break up, non-maliciously. We both know we will kepp going through this vicious cycle if we continue to see each other yet we both desperately want to stay friends.

We were friends first for 4 years, and we were much better then.....when sex, love, expectations, and communication was not part of the equation. I don't know how to deal with this though. I don't know how to seriously break up with someone that i want to be my friend later. If we spend time together, we will end up back together or sort-of, and then back fighting, but if we dont spend time together for a long time, we can't possible still stay friends. Friends talk and hang out, and share feelings and information with each other. He and I are each others best friends....how can u just let that go? I know it's for the best more than anything and I am sure he does too, but I still don't know how I am going to make it through this. Oh, and it's so much more complicated than i can explain.... We have such a history through SO much. We have know each other for forever, through relationships, and friendships, and changes. I can't not be friends with him. I can't live my life never ever talking to him again, but I can't live it being with him either?!???

I just find comfort in my gut feeling that we weren't right for each other, and I know he does too coz it's no secret. We were very close to being perfect for each other, but as much as we forced it, and ignored the nagging many differences-no amount of effort we could ever give could make it work. And i think we both have reached that point where we know that even though we care for each other just the same... I just don't know how this is going to work, and he is so freaked out about losing me as a friend. I told him he has nothing to worry about, but i know how people are so i understand his being wary about it. I am friends w/all my exes though, at least to an extent. I know I could call any of them up for anything and they would do it, but especially for Clint- I want to definitely still be there.

ugh,idk, i am so stressed, and now i don't know about formal and all that. We already paid and have our own room, and just idk. It's crazy, but i know we dont need to go spend the night in a hotel room together anytime soon.....ugh-my life story of bad timing....

i cant think anymore-i just need to sleep.