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�2004*Blondiegrl24*

Clint problems/post-Spring Break/ Tired-is this depression?
Tuesday, Mar. 16, 2004 // 2:01 P.M.

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling crappy, and I have been lately. I know it's because of the Clint and me break up.

I know we aren't right for each other in the long run, but we get along so well, and we enjoy each others company. I think neither of us has real true love for each other though. I think we are in like and lust. We get along so well though, but our differences become obvious when we get back into the relationship.

Neither of us want to be married anytime soon and we both have important things that we want from our significant other that he and i both don't have.

It just sucks having time apart from each other. We talk on the phone coz we are trying to save a friendship of 4 years, but I can already see it's dwindling. We don't actually have much to talk about now.

I feel the need to call him but then have nothing to say, and he talks about nothingness things as well. It's all dying. I can feel it. And it makes me incredibly sad. When you know something is already gone though not yet, but u just know it's gone.

It makes me so sad, but then I know it's for the best b/c I can't keep kidding myself that it's okay to be in this relationship with a guy w/Awesome qualities when i'm not in love with him totally. I can't keep trying to force him to fit my 'perfect guy' mold cause he never will even if he is pretty damn close. He can't change the important things I cant stand. He's never gonna be confrontational or speak his mind, or be totally outgoing, or listen to rock music. It's not him. And I can't live the rest of my life w/someone like he is if he never changed.

It's just so damn hard to let go. And it's hard to save the friendship. I don't think it's going to work well.

I know we will keep talking and trying, but our friendship has already lost a TON of momentum. I dont have a thing to talk to him about now. Nothing extremely important.

ugh, and on top of that, i have been hella obsessive about my apperance lately.

I think i have lost some weight, and I got a kickbutt tan from the beach so i know i look skinnier/better. It was obvious from the looks i got on campus today. I wore a green mini-skirt and black sandals. I wasnt trying to be showy or dressed up. I just couldnt find anything else to wear or anything that was clean since i just got back from the beach.

But then, I almost hated the looks I got. I resented the looks from the skeezy old guys or whomever. I was like, "gross", and i felt extrememly self-conscious.

I didn't enjoy it like i should.

I have also lost all desire to eat what-so-ever which is strange cause i generally love food when i allow myself to actually eat it.

I went home to get my puppy Maya last night, and went out to eat with the fam, but i was dreading it. I wanted to go to talk and spend time with them, but i was dreading the food part. I was thinking of ways to get out of it, but there were none really. And I really wanted to spend time with them and tell them about my trip. I just wasn't even hungry. Not even when we where there in the restaurant ready to order, even when i WAS allowing myself to eat. Very Strange. but good i guess.

I'm sorta fasting. I havent put much effort into it, but i have been feeling kinda withdrawn and depressed lately from all the emotional issues surrounding me lately. And then I mess up or dont do the few things I am actually supposed to do like school, work, student organization stuff whatever, and then I am even more dejected cause i screwed it up.

Things are really starting to get to me, and all I feel like doing is zombieing out through the days just to lose some weight. I just have no motivation, no goals, or no nothing right now. If anything I am just going through the motions (if even that) and I just hardly care.

I just feel like getting through the day to the next. I wish i could sleep all day, but i can't cause i have so much pre-scheduled crap to do that I can't, but I just try to get through each day so fast that I can hurry back and get back to my room.

It's not like me, but for once I WANT to revel in the unhappiness of my life right now. I ALWAYS see the bright side and think postively, but it's bleak right now, and I'm tired of being Miss Sunshine... I just need to be introspective and figure out what i want in life all the way around, with love, with my career, with the world, with everything.

idk, i hate to sound so depressing...i'm so damn optimistic. I can't even be sad w/o apologizing. Ugh.

I know the Clint situation triggered this more, but it was a long time coming. My career/school issue has been up in the air lately and I think that got to me above all else.

I just wanna get through the rest of this month somehow and maybe lose some weight so I can be skinny, so at least when i wanna be happy again... I can be happy b/c I'm skinny, and look good in all the new spring clothes. I think losing some weight will end up making me happy. At least I will have done SOMEthing productive.

plus i dont have any food in my apt, but im not buying any. It saves money, and i just dont feel like it. I just hope i dont feel too sick from not eating for more than a week. I guess I'll take it as i go, and maybe drink some juice everynow and then.

I'm just tired. Tired of school, tired of my relationship, tired of my no-motivation, and tired of being fat, and I'm just tired of food too. It's too much of an effort to do anything these days. But somehow I still keep truckin it.

Idk, maybe I will feel better when i lose some weight. hopefully. I honestly dont wanna stay this way for too long, but right now I'm reveling in it.



WEARING: mini-skirt, t-shirt, sandals

LISTENING TO: Dave Matthews " Pay for what u Get"

MOOD: Melancholy

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