Dear Diary,

So, yesterday, I ate maybe 150 calories all in all.

I felt kinda sick, so I ate come Liptons Cup of Soup (60 cals each) I use 2 usually, and then add tons more water. Very filling and low-cal.

Then I had like not even half a cup of Grapefruit juice to get me going in the morning, so I just estimated those cals. from what i had.

Anyway, I haven't had anything yet, but of course it's only 12:00 pm, so I still have a ways to go, but I know I'm not gonna eat anything. Theres just something about it when Spring Break is SO close....I just hate food right now.

I wouldn't eat ever, not now. I already had a good day, and if I can get through today, I'll have even more progress. I can't eat much though if I allow few calories cause I only lost 1 lb. as of this morning rather than my usual 2 lbs. and I can't afford that...

Think Swimsuits, and going out outfits...

So, I am gonna just try and do water and diet coke and vitamins today.

Oh, and Clint and I finally called it quits, and at first it was a good thing. We are gonna do the same stuff and be just friends cause we have been acting like just friends anyway for quite some time (i.e. not much kissing, no sex etc) So, i didn't figure it'd be much of a change, although, it's really doing a big emotional psycho thing to my head. I over-analyze everything i know...

I just feel like it's easy for him to not hang out with me as much, and I feel like I call him all the time and stuff...idk I know thats not exactly true, but it's what my psycho-self feels like. He has called me a lot too, and I know its just b/c he is SUPER busy that he hasnt been sitting around being bored like me.

I gotta find a job though and ASAP! I just withdrew from my Drawing class cause I just have been so out of things lately and I've missed tons of classes already and my teacher doesnt give out A's so *yay* all i can hope for is a stupid crappy B, or a C since I have missed tons of class. But, I need A's to get my GPA back up, and I might be changing my major anyway, so who knows if i even need that class.

Ya'll it's so pathetic though. I know I am limbo here about my major and my classes and stuff, but I only have 2 classes now...6 HOURS!! How sad!!! I know it. I did only have 9 which was kinda crappy too. I am just having a bad semester. I didn't get into my major (which i wasnt all that committed to anyway) but still...i have no back-up plan right now, so I have just been all depressed and sad about stuff, so my effort in my classes has been almost non-exsistant and I don't even care either. I have been so apathetic lately. And i can see myself going into this downward spiral, but I don't even feel like making an effort to stop it. I'm always so damn happy and optimistic so why cant i just be sad and revel in it for once?? Seriously.

I know thats probably not a good thing, but who cares ya know. I dont have a major really and i dont have anything to work for right now. It sucks. I'm making an appointment at the Career Center soon, but as for this semester...it's just gonna have to be a sad and pathetic one cause i dont care right now. So many events have just made me want some time off from everything!

So, anyway, I definitely need to get a job though with all this free time, and just to have some extra income to pay the bills.

Just my major stuff, and recent events, and the Clint-friends situation is making me crazy. I just want to retreat somewhere, but I can't. I have class every so often, and meetings to attend, and people that ask me for things so I can't just take some time from everything.

I am afraid that all this free time from classes though is definitely not gonna be good for me. I will probably get even more depressed than I am sitting around being bored. The only thing I am hoping it will do is make me lose weight though. Clint won't be around as much to make me go eat with him, and he wont be around as much to know if i ate lunch or dinner or what already so i can just lie and say i already ate if he ever does ask me to go eat with him.

I am so weird about all that though. I just feel like he broke up with me or something, and thats not what happened at all. We both discussed it, and I've been wanting us to break up for a while now-so why am i so crazy about it?!?!?

Well, I have always been the strong independent kick-butt girl, so I think I need to step it up and be strong and maybe try MORE to not call him and ask him to do stuff...that way i can't feel so crazy, and he'll basically be just calling me. ALTHOUGH, realistically i know this will probably just cause more problems cause then he'll feel weird, but better him feeling weird than me if he even does. AND what if he doesn't.....oh man....yeah-what if doesnt? Thats a thought...that'll totally mess me up. Well, I guess I will just have to cut back a lot so he does notice. UGH, why am i talking about this..it's all even making my head spin....see what I said about it making me psycho.

The obvious answer is for me to make myself so busy I don't notice the time I don't spend with him, but here I am with all this damn free time. I gotta get a job, preferablly with long hours and high pay...and maybe add some more extracurricular activities...

we'll see.....gotta take my vitamin, my Stacker 2's and then get ready to go to my crap work-study job that pays crappy and sucks all around. It's not that bad, but It's so boring and I can never get in enough hours cause I can't bare to sit there any longer w/nothing to do...

but at least it's a small income...not very much though really....

okay, i'll update more later...yay for NO FOOD!

thinsperation below!

((i want PAMS ABS!!!!!))

WEARING: shorts and t-shirt

LISTENING TO: Soundgarden: "Today I tried to Live" on repeat

MOOD: Awake from loads of sleep yet Apathetic