Dear Diary,

ugh, so my diet has been suckin lately....well--it hasn't been EXTREMELY bad, cause i have lost some weight, but nothing major like i would have liked...

of course the fast didn't last for long, but i'm not stressin majorly about it b/c i restricted basically and lost some weight...

I party way too much....my liver hates me i know. I have been partyin non-stop for a few weeks lately, and It's just so hard to stick with the diet when ur boozin it up all the time. I would restrict really low, and then go out and drink, and then maybe eat like a sandwich and water the next day and that'd be it.

I had tons of fun though, and oopps...accidentally drunken text-messaged this guy that likes me...

Drunk-dialing is bad....B-A-D. ESPECIALLY when u have a boyfriend...haha

well, if u've read my entries, u know the story on him. We are weird, only together b/c of oh-idk...we just aren't meant to be but neither of us will break it off coz we've been best friends for like 4 yrs. yep--shitty situation i know.

ANYWAY, back to something more cheerful....

So partyin with my girls is SO much fun! We get in so much trouble, but it's always a good time, no matter how shitty i feel the next day. My town is a HUGE and i mean HUGE partyin-college town! So, basically any night of the week u go out, most of the bars will be pretty packed. It's nice cause u can always have a good time, but it's also so tempting and easy to fuck up ur grades.

We took so many shots the other night though, it was rough! I'm sorry-Jack is NOT my friend!! LOL, I am so about some Absolut and some Tequila....even though tequila MUST be used in moderation! Learned that the hard way of course....but still i luv a good tequila shot..they're so much fun w/the salt and the lime.

Anyway, i always feel a little held back when we go out cause i know i have a boyfriend, so it's hard for me to talk to some guys cause its always bad when ur drunk...i usually just talk with my friends and dance and talk to random people, oh and haha-draw on guys hands with magic markers...haha This one dumbass in the bar was drawing on himself w/a black magic marker, so i was all drunk and was like, 'hey, i'm an art major, let me draw something..' and he was like 'cool-ok' HAHA--so i drew a Black Whale on his hand....like Shamoo..haha, it was all i could think of at the time ( i was wasted ya know) but still...when i think of that stupid guy wearing a Big Whale on his hand for the next 2 weeks, lol it makes me laugh....

I gotta slow down the partyin, but looks like i can't. We have a Valentines Day Crush Party this Tuesday, then theres V-Day when I have to eat w/the boyfriend, then the next week we have a Pimps and Hoes party w/some fraternity... I have NO idea what I am gonna wear, and I am totally fucked if i don't lose more weight before then b/c theres no way I'm tryin to get all hoed up in some skanky outfit and look fat in it!

I gotta wear something hot, but if i don't lose a few pounds before then, i don't know what i'd wear or if i'd go. I wanna go though, dressin slutty for an acutal purpose is always fun.

Gainin weight has made me such a loser though. I remember when i had SO much confidence and felt great about myself, and knew guys looked at me when i walked in a room. I was blessed with some striking features, so i kind of standout in a crowd, but i know that I get the looks less and less now, and I KNOW it's coz I'm so fat now. I know that may sound conceited, but I'm not tryin to sound like that, I just used to get lots of attention, and It sucks when u know why ur not gettin the attention anymore.

It majorly sucks. Gaining weight has made me such a recluse, so unconfident, and such a anti-social loser. Like I was just talking about, I am potentially not going to a fun function b/c I will feel fat there and not have anything to wear. How dumb is that???

The old me would have NEVER missed out on something fun like that. I'd have already been planning a kickass outfit. This is why I have to risk everything to lose weight, and why I have an ED, because being thin means more to me than anything else, and fuck people if they think it doens't make u feel better to be thing coz it for Damn Sure does! I feel a million times better even if i just lose 5 lbs. I gain a ton of confidence just knowing I am thinner than I was, and every pound down makes me ecstatic!

So seriously, losing weight is the most important thing. Although, I think I have learned that fasting is just not a good plan to try and keep for a long period of time. Your body just can't handle it unless you are like totally stationary 24/7. I can't deal w/feeling like i am gonna pass out while writing in essay in art history class. It scares me, and I just hate feelin sick all the time especially in public places.

So, I am SEVERELY restricting until Spring Break, and even throughout all these parties coming up. I am gonna eat like 100-300 calories a day for the next 4 1/2 weeks. I know thats almsot like fasting, but I just wanna be able to eat if I feel ill, and just eat a little for some energy for the times i need it. And if I lose some, I'm gonna start workin on some abs...gotta wear a bathing suit soon. I'm already going to the tanning bed as much as i can, don't wanna get burnt like last year in South Beach....ugh I ruined my laying out time. I never burn, but I got roasted the first day. Guess the suns A LOT stronger in Miami then it is in Daytona.

So, anyway, I know I'm not gonna be at or anywhere near my ultimate goal by Spring Break, but we've already made plans to go to my friend's condo in Daytona, so I'm gonna have to suck it up and put on a bikini.

I just wanna be at my before college weight, or lower by then and I will feel okay cause i have TONS of cute clothes to wear, and I used to wear a bikini then all the time even though, even at that weight, i wanted to lose lots, but I didn't look so so bad.

Ugh, I am restricting starting Monday...HARDCORE. Startin off with like 100-200 cals and varying it daily depending on what i am doing for that day.

this better work, i HAVE to be skinnier by Spring Break--i mean HAVE TOO!!!

anyone else goin somewhere fabulous for Spring Break and have any issues w/puttin on their bikini??

Ok,Ok, peace out chicas, it's gettin late, and I gotta take the puppy out, and go to bed...

WEARING: Pajama Pants coz its freezin!

LISTENING TO: Led Zepplin 'Ramble On'

MOOD: Hopeful