Dear Diary,

Ugh....i am SO bored!!!

This long weekend is about to drive me crazy! Since I decided to take a weekend off of partying cause we all know last week..i had my FILL of alcohol! So, now everyone goes home for our long weekend since we have MLK day off, and now I am bored as crap! I cleaned sorta already, and i don't feel like doing homework and crap like that....ugh idk.

I think I'm just gonna take a shower and go to bed super early.

ugh..i have been feeling wretched lately....like this weight thing has totally fucked me up. Ya'll wouldn't believe!! I was thinking about the past and all...and DAMN I was so different and cooler then! This obsessive weight thing due to ana has made me completely crazy and like a damn hermit!

A year or 2 ago, I NEVER would have considered dating Clint...he would held back my partyin style, but then when i thought i was way fat, i felt like he was the only one that wanted me and would like me for me plus he was nice. But if I was skinny and hot, or even how I was then, I would have never accepted dating him!!

And I wouldn't be so avoidant of so many fun possibilites! My best friend and I don't hang out anymore, but most of it is because she lost tons of weight and is super-skinny now and I am fatter so i feel gross around her and embarrassed to go party with her and see old friends!! What a stupid reason to miss hanging out with my girl!!?!?!??

Then, I also have like given up on guys because i feel so fat, and I have kinda accepted that. I have a boyfriend so it's easier for me to not worry about anything since I'm not trying to pick up guys, but soon, when he leaves and we probably break-up whether it's temporary or what....I am still gonna be freaked out about hanging and talking with guys!!

how stupid!

i just suddenly had this big realization that i totally suck now and am WAY less confident than i used to be....and i am realizing how bad it sucks and how it is making me lower my standards which i NEVER do!!

i just see how bad i suck now from then when i was skinnier and happier. I realize I can't undo the damage I have done to myself mentally obsessing about my weight coz it was always there and it always will be, but at least I cna un-do the weight-gain and at least get back to that point and beyond where I at least have that to feel better about myself..

idk...i guess I'm rambeling.....i just had this realization and it's fuckin with my head.

anyway, tomorrow without a fuckin doubt..I am starting a BIG FAST!!!

If the world's about to get hit my a meteor...idcare, i'm damn fasting tomorrow. I feel so yuck lately, and I just need to get started on my fast. It's so hard for me to start on the weekends, and it is MUCH easier when I am busy during the school week and don't even have time to think about food anyway.

I gotta get some good diet pills though. Ever since they took my ephedra away, I dont know what works well.

I have Stacker-2 and Stacker 3- ephedra free, but i dont think they do a damn thing! I took one and then my stomach was growling ang hurting like 1n hour and a half later! Umm...HeLLo! thats not supposed to happen!! It's supposed to surpress your appetite! My metabolife with ephedra worked so well....(sigh) I miss it! :(

I need something else though, but I am broke, so it'll be a while before I can get anything. I guess I'll just have to suffer some tummy-rumbling for a while. The hunger pain doesn't bother me as much as the incessant loud rumbeling especially in public. And then if it happens around my boyfriend, he's always like, when did u eat last?

UGH---i can have NONE of that!!

anyway, i am gonna go take the dog out, and put in Sex & the City, then take a shower and get to bed!!

ttyl

oh-heres some thinsperational pics for u!~ ThInK--ThIn!~

WEARING: Sweatpants, Ex-Boyfriends Frat T-shirt

LISTENING TO: She's All That movie.....Chumbawumba-tubthumping

MOOD: Bored and yucky, but sorta thoughtful....