Dear Diary,

Ok, so I am going to the Health Center....blick.i hate this!

They were really nice on the phone though and my college is H-U-G-E, so I would think they have dealt with this numerous times so they probably think it's not such a big deal, but I have been majorly obsessing and freaking out about it.

Last night, I almost wasn't going because afterall, Clint Never did Cum. So, ya know it's not like normal people who go when the condom breaks or just have unprotected sex. But who knows if any got on me or not for sure. We did have sex for 2 1/2 hours so ya know it might be possible than some little minute amount got by, but sometimes thats all it takes. But I still was kinda thinkin about takin my chances, but then I went to an abortion site that had where girls wrote in about if they regretted their decisons, or were happy about them, and I'd say most of them were all wishy-washy about it. Even the ones that did it for good reasons were all weird about it, like they were hoping they made the right decison or wondering what would have happened etc, and all that shit just freaked me the fuck out. Most of them were too late finding out to get the morning-after pill, so after reading all that shit, and seein how emotional and undecided the people that even already did it were..i was like OMG--i have to go no matter what! Cause I dont want any part in an emotional decison like that and have it haunting me for the rest of my life. So no matter what, even though i feel that the odds of me gettin pregnant from that night are slim, i don't know what I would do if I was. I wouldn't want ot have it, but I also don't wanna be responsible for the effects of a decison like that at all! So, I guess it's better to go through with this and avoid all that all together.

It majorly sucks though, I had to fill out this form on the internet before you come to the clinic about sexual partners and how long you've been with your current sex partner etc...so humiliating. Luckily, Clint and I have been dating for over a year, so that was ok, but lol I lied about sexual partners...(i dont want a big lecture) especially since I am coming in because of something stupid anyway...they'd definitely lecture me maybe.

Anyway, I'm gonna just tell them the condom broke, so at least I don't sound like a complete idiot even though I am, but we were both drunk, and I wouldn't have done that sober..Clint hates condoms though. I personally, hate them as well, but I have been dreading going back to my gyno, mainly because I don't want to get weighed there and have them comment on my weight change or--well they probably wouldn't but they might give me a look or make some small comment, and I just can't handle that. I was waiting until I lost some weight to go back since my weight is so different from the last year when i went. ugh...see yet another stupid reason my weight is bringin me down....and look where not losing weight has gotten me now! Because I didn't go and get my re-stock of birth control bills and a horrible check-up, now I am sittin here typing this an hour and a half before I go to a totally random place and talk to strangers and have them poke at me and give me pills with tons of horomones just so I don't end up with a life-altering effect from being drunk and stupid.

I swear, every problem in my life is weight related, and although I know it's stupid to say that losing weight will make everything better, (cuz i know ultimately you still feel the same inside), but realistically I can make a DAMN good argument for why most of the problems in my life are weight-related, and I think most people might agree, and those things will get better if my weight does. And I have way-already accepted that I am gonna have body issues no matter what size I am. I always have, and I always will no matter what my weight is. So, why not have those same issues, and at least be thin and have those superficial good things about life come into play. Thats what I'm sayin.....

So, if anything, this is a wake-up call for the burden that my weight has caused on my life over the course of my entire life and this past 2003 year. So, I am going today to get a slap in the face about what it's doin to me, and I need to make some changed starting today. (i wanted to fast today....might not be a good idea--since I might need to eat takin those pills?) I WANT to start today really bad though!!! Idk, maybe I can just eat minamally.

I'm so nervous about going. It's gonna be one of those things where I disassociate myself with the reality of whats happening just because I can't handle it, and it makes me obsessively worry.

I hope I can come back and say it went better than expected though. Maybe....

ugh, again, this sucks.....i'll update probably tomorrow since i have to go back home to my real house tonight(hopefully not still sick from the pills) and I won't really have the computer until tomorrow.

ugh....thats all i can say

but good luck to everyone else, and please if anyone reads this....LEARN from my stupid mistakes, and don't put yourself in this position! Go get on birth control, and use a condom or something cause u sure dont wanna be havin to do this.

so much stress...i just want today to be over...and start my life over tomorrow...diet and all

Sorry for my entry to be all down/sad and stuff but, i know u can all understand why...

ugh, ok, i just gotta suck it up, and get through this day!!

ttyl

WEARING: jeans, t-shirt

LISTENING TO: annoying news on tv

MOOD: Freaked the fuck out, and nervous as hell!!